Should I sent the paragraph to him?

[serenabar]

I wrote a message on my notes for my ex. I wanna send it but at the same time im scared too.. this is the message:
im scared he will leave me on delivered, or that he will tell me he is with someone else now.. but at the same time i wanted him to know this..

You probably won’t open this, just like you didn’t open the yesterday one. But I am gonna say it anyway.. I never expected that we would disappear from each other’s worlds. I never expected you would be okay with that. I never expected you would not care what I have to say to you, I never expected you would ignore me like that.
But they say men are quite simple.. “the way a man treats you is exactly how he feels about you. If he wants to talk to you, he will reach out. If he wants to see you, he will make plans with you. And if he acts like he doesn't care, then he doesn't care.”
Yes, looks like you stopped caring. I was there when you needed me, I answered all your questions and when I mentioned I was hurt too - you disappeared. Yes, you showed me once again my feelings are not valid. I am just someone from now another universe for you. You seem like you are doing just fine, like you are forgetting all about me. I wish it was that easy for me too. But then again.. this new you is not the man I fall inlove with. He would never do anything like that, he wouldn’t just delete me from his life. And that man is gone. He no longer exists and I gotta acept that. Its a new you that I don’t recognize, I just don’t know him. It hurts now but the sun will rise again.
No one can take away the person who you were when we were in love.
Not even you. That person can stay in my heart for as long as I decide.
I think he loved me.
Even when you hurt me multiple times, I still didn’t leave. I won the I love you more.
You put me in enough breakups for a lifetime. And I still wouldn’t walk away from you. Cause not for once I looked at another guy, not for once I accepted any follow request. Cause for me that will be offensive thing for my man. I’m pure and I’m loyal. When I love - I love hard. And i know cause when you want something badly you just don’t give up. Everything can be sorted. Absolutely everything. Of course if it’s wanted.
I guess I got my closure too.
No one is going to want something and let it slip away. That's not how the human heart works.

She’ll be assessing more than judging and that’s a completely normal part of therapy

However ‘bad’ you think your revelations are, opening up and talking about them is part of the process of examining them

It’s like opening a bag from schooldays - you will find some useful things still in there like pens & pencils, maybe some books or jotters that can be repurposed, some which are out of date and no longer useful to you

And of course some rancid sandwiches that will make you want to throw up so need binned and the bits they touched examined for mould and cleaned up!

A good therapist will look at body language as well as listening to words and tone etc - it’s just a way to gather more information to work towards a best outcome for you - especially if you are shy, it’s just another tool the therapist can use to help you

Choosing, seeking out and engaging with therapy is three more steps towards having a deeper understanding of yourself, how you move through the world and ways to make that dance healthier and more fulfilling

I think you can be really proud of yourself - it can be scary - but you are being brave enough to do it anyway 💐

I agree with previous posts - therapy is never easy and it can be very unsettling and make you feel 'raw'. However, if you engage with the process, reflect on your feelings and what has happened to you, it will allow you to gain new and valuable insights. And if work on yourself, it will ultimately bring you to a better place and equip you to be less vulnerable.

Thank you all! Your replies made me feel better! 🫶🏻

I went to therapy again today and this time it felt different - way better! We even laughed and I will be back next week!

Aw lovely. How’s everything else x

That’s great news!

i am a bit preoccupied tonight but am so pleased for you i didn’t want to pass by

be sure lots of us are cheering you on from wherever we are

Oh good grief no, You will cringe that you even posted here . No

Good to hear back from you, @serenabar - things seem to be looking up!

KOKO.

[And ignore posters who post without reading the thread...]

Thank you so much! I think I am feeling a bit better now. I still have bad days, but they are less painful.
I’m hurt he couldn’t choose me the way I chose him but it must be for the best. I just sometimes struggle with the reason he gave for the breakup because he put all blame on me. And I sometimes overthink and wonder if he was right and it’s my fault but people tell me we all have fault. So I don’t know how to be in peace with this.

if he said it was all on you (taking 0% responsibility)

and you are wondering if it was all on you (taking 100% responsibility)

and people say we all have fault (aka responsibility)

leave it at a 50-50 split 😂

i think it’s all on him but maybe easier to make peace with it if you consider it all equal/cancelling out and then you can let go and move on

therapy will help you understand yourself better and prioritise your needs/recognise dangers - until then consider it all even-stevens if it helps you not overthink ‘fault’

ps it might have been worse to be chosen by a bad person than not chosen at all so hopefully you can shake free of that too

Thank you! I appreciate your words! They make me feel better! 🤍

posters on MN helped me very much when I was trapped in an abusive relationship so I am glad I can be of some help too now I am recovering a bit 💐

and there is so much more support and fun to experience here so have a nosy around some of the games threads or style & beauty or whatever things you have an interest in - good distractions and ppl posting at all hours (v useful for 2am ‘wobbles’ 😉)

I know what you mean, but to be "chosen" by someone who is a total plonker like him really isn't something worth having.

Onwards and upwards Serena!

Hi @serenabar - you're doing really, really well. You've already noticed that you're starting to feel a bit better overall. It is a bit of a roller coaster; as you've described - you'll be laughing at a joke and then there will be a reminder of your split and you'll feel a pang. This is normal. The point is that the overall trajectory is towards feeling increasingly comfortable, peaceful and happy (over him, essentially) until a point comes when you feel completely healed. That moment of feeling completely healed can take several months, even a year or so to arrive. But it will come. It's already coming.

You will start to feel more at peace when you stop seeing yourself through his eyes and start seeing yourself through your own. You can't control what he thinks so drop that rope. He may think it's entirely your fault that you broke up but, really, so what? You know you were a good girlfriend who treated him well (but for future reference, that does not include letting someone treat you badly!) - if that's not what he wants, well, that's his loss. If he's too immature to value you - well, that makes him a dick. And fortunately, him being a dick is his problem and no longer yours!

Fortunately, he's done you a favour - he's cut you loose so that you can find a guy who does value you and what you bring to a relationship: not yet - enjoy some time being footloose and fancy-free and completely pleasing yourself - but in the future.

Honestly, OP - you're getting it all right. You will get through this. You will learn some really useful lessons and you will be absolutely fine. Believe me: most of us have had our hearts broken, most of us have imagined that we would never feel normal again; and we've gone on to live fabulous lives and love again. So you'll be fine. And your future self is already massively thanking you for everything you're doing to get yourself to your comfortable, peaceful and happy future.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support! 🤍

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about the restrictions my ex put on me, like how he wouldn’t let me post photos without his approval. My therapist pointed out that he was emotionally abusing and controlling me, not respecting my boundaries, and not protecting me from his mom’s toxic, narcissistic behavior. She explained that he created a reality where I had to listen to him and do what he said, while he never respected my boundaries in return.
She also mentioned that I didn’t express anger in a healthy way. Instead of directing it toward him to protect myself, I internalized it, and that caused me to harm myself emotionally.
She recommended a book about healing from narcissistic relationships, and I bought it
I do feel better 🤍

Hey - just look how far you've come!! 😎👏

Thanks for updating us, it sounds like therapy is helping you both understand the past and strengthen you for moving forward.

Glad you are also feeling better and hope you continue to take care of yourself in the process of therapy - it’s hard work at times but has a real positive impact on what future life is like.

Thank you so much for the support and kind words. Therapy is definitely helping me see things more clearly. I’ve been feeling good most of the time, but with his birthday coming up, I’m feeling a bit anxious and I’m not sure why. I know I shouldn’t text, but it’s still bothering me

You could always write ‘Happy birthday you wanker’ on a bit of food wrapper before chucking it in the bin

that’d be about all the effort from you that his past behaviour would be worth

then start a new association for the date

(maybe an annual clear out of worthless crap? maybe a congratulatory day of self-care when you give thanks to looking after yourself? maybe pick a day before or after to be a new association if you prefer to relegate the date back to just another day in October, or whenever)

start a new association for the date

good idea - first day of countdown to Halloween - the day you buy and carve a pumpkin 🎃

Well done Serena! You've come a long way. You're doing brilliantly.

I had therapy after an awful break up. It helped talking about things. Seems like it's doing the same for you.

Yeah, I like therapy, it opens my eyes haha
Thank you 🤍

I accidentally came across a new picture of him where he looks so happy, with such a big smile, and he genuinely looks good. It made me feel really sad, like he’s enjoying life without me, and I ended up having a cry session. I haven’t had that in a while, but maybe it was a good release. I’ve been having dreams about his Instagram page lately, and the unknown there was really bothering me, so maybe seeing it helped in some way

@serenabar - it’s a rollercoaster. I remember being devastated by seeing my first love (we had dated for nearly 3 years before he finished with me) kissing someone else at a nightclub.

He and I had split several months before and I was generally well on the mend and not giving him much thought but that really shook me. He didn’t know I’d seen him.

But whilst it was a shock and very upsetting in the moment, i was over it within a few days and able to get on with getting on.

That’s what’s already happening with you. There will be painful moments like his birthday and finding his photo - they’ll sting and you’ll shed some tears - but you’ll dust yourself off and continue on your road of recovery. With time all these ouch moments will lessen until they become nothing but memories.