To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Tulip I'm so impressed to see you waking up to your Hs horrible abuse. I think he can detect your strength and is trying to reel you back in. He might even move onto worse tactics once he realises you're onto him so please take care and stay safe. Get help getting away if that's what you need. Good luck, it will take a little time and a lot of bravery but I believe you have it!

Yet you haven't left him. So your friends know that if they say something negative about him, you might tell him what they said, which could cause trouble for them or he could try to stop you from seeing them. If they want you to remain friends with them so they can keep an eye on you and because they like your company, saying negative things about your husband isn't the way to achieve that.

As you haven't left him yet, it's also possible you'd respond to their negative comments with anger because you might disagree with their opinion, so they stay silent.

They could also be shocked and not know what to say. That happened to me when a friend mentioned in conversation that she'd been raped, on two different occasions by different people and many many years ago. On the second occasion she was apparently annoyed because she'd been wearing jeans and a jumper that time. Which said to me that she partly blames herself for it the first time because she'd apparently been clubbing and was wearing a mini skirt and crop top. She was quite matter of fact about it all and wasn't looking for sympathy but I was shocked not only by the disclosure but also that she partly blames herself. I said nothing.

What you've described quoted above is rape and it's happening regularly and you still remains in the relationship, which looks like you've accepted getting raped all the time, even if you don't like it. Whether your friends recognise that it's rape or not, they'll likely realise it's very wrong and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they're shocked into silence. By the fact you've not called the police to arrest him and haven't left him, as much as by the raping itself.

The one who has been through an abusive relationship may still have poor boundaries herself and doesn't necessarily recognise that you're being abused because you're not being beaten. I mean you didn't recognise it when you started this thread and you're the one living it.

IME friends never tell you to leave. What if you left and life was hard for a while and you hated them for suggesting it? They don't want the responsibility for that or to risk their friendships with you. What if you went back to him? You can't really stay friends with someone who you know hates your partner, it doesn't work and becomes the elephant in the room you can't talk about.

If you want to leave though, I'll bet most true, decent friends would do whatever they could to help or support you and after you've left and stayed left, not gone back, people will start to voice their secret opinions about how they never liked him and they think you're well rid.

@Snowflake2 Your making a lot of assumptions there. I dont think my friends were shocked knowing what I have spoken about with them before and what i kniw about their lives. One is deeply religious so sees things differently to how you would and most people. For example I know she had another friend who was being physically abused and she just said the man wasn't very nice but she wouldn't tell anyone to leave their marriage, because it is up to them and God. I wouldn't expect them to tell me to leave either.

You may be right about boundaries regarding the other friend who has suffered from DV herself, although last time I saw her she did say she was worried about the financial situation and him hiding things fro me, as for the other things that happened, she kind of laughed and made a comment about men being like that, so maybe her boundaries are different like you said. She does like my H though and speaks of him highly as she knows him through work, it was her who told me to give H the benefit of the doubt and ask him about being put on the deeds, she said she can see he loves me. He wouldn't stop me seeing them anyway and they know I wouldn't get angry at them.

I don't know if you have read the whole thread but I'm not getting 'raped' all the time.

Non consenting sex is rape. You literally posted that it happens (while you're asleep isn't consensual). I wasn't making assumptions about your friends I was offering suggestions about why they might not have told you to leave him, because you seemed confused about it. Whatever, I'll leave you to it. I've no interest in arguing.

@Tulip2478please remember these words that you wrote just a week ago. Try to hold onto that clarity, that anger, that resolve. I know how hard it is, especially without support from your family and friends. But you have the strength and the courage deep within you to leave your husband. For yourself and for your children.

I wasn't arguing at all! I appreciate you taking time to post, thank you. I was just giving some context as maybe why my friends may have reacted that way, which is very different fron how people on here have reacted. Yes i know it was assualt I'm just pointing out it doesn't happen daily, I don't want to exaggerate the facts or be seen as an attention seeker! I agree with you about my friends not seeing abuse because I am not being physically abused, I think most people including myself have a hard time interpreting it as abuse when I am not being hurt.

@InternationalVelveteen Thank you. Yes I keep reading this and my diary as well to keep perspective on the situation, especially when when he treats me well so often.

I agree with you about my friends not seeing abuse because I am not being physically abused, I think most people including myself have a hard time interpreting it as abuse when I am not being hurt.

Sexual assault - non consensual touching and rape - having sex with you when you can't or don't consent, is physical abuse.

He is emotionally and physically abusive. Just because you're not covered in bruises doesn't mean you're not being abused. Many people have very little idea about abuse and what it entails.

@cupcaske123 Sorry, I always assumed it was separate from physical abuse.

How are you, Tulip?

Sorry OP but not respecting sexual boundaries is the ultimate red flag. Have a look at how this fits into your relationship with him in general. Does he behave like he's buying your service? (Washing, cooking, sex)

I think some individual therapy would do you a lot of good. You are still very young. I'm almost a decade older than you and feel that I'm immature in some ways (eg never experienced grief yet) but taking personal financial responsibility is a big part of maturation and I think you're right to have concerns.

Can you raise it as in you need to be sure of how to handle things if he was ill or suddenly passed away. It's not an unrealistic risk with the age gap

H

Posted send to early...
How old are your children?

I don't know much of this thread you have followed but I have asked him several things recently and he hasn't seemed too pleased with me doing this, although he did write down on paper about the outgoings of the house each month. He blew up at me when I said hlit made me feel like be didn't trust me with things sometimes, so I'm scared to question him again. He didn't say he would put me on deeds or mortgage yet but if I wanted to keep on transferring money to him towards bills into his account, he said I no longer have to pay half the mortgage.
I can't obviously access the online statements.
I have taken financial responsibility before, I lived on my own for four years so have dealt with bills, rent etc.

I may try counselling but not NHS. I would have to go private and thus would be hard to hide from H.
If he dies he has life insurance to protect me. My children are still young, under 7.

Hi. Don't know if anybody is still following. Nothing has dramatically changed yet, except that I am still firm in my conviction that my relationship is atleast partly abusive. I have had a word with my manager regarding work and they have said I could do two set days a week of 12 hour shifts so H could hopefully take these two days off. I mentioned it to H and he rolled his eyes but then said he would ask his manager if he could have two set days off, but he still hasn't contacted them. I hope he does and can because I really don't want to leave my job!
I also spoke to a friend who I told about the inappropriate behaviour in my sleep several years ago. She said when I first told her she wanted to give H the benefit of the doubt, thinking he didnt know his behaviour was wrong, which is why she told me to speak to him and essentially work it out, but she didn't know anything about the financial aspects of our marriage. She feels it isn't normal and says it might be him wanting to have control, same with the sexual matters. She is my best friend whose opinion I hold in high regard so it helped to know I wasnt going crazy! She also said she would support me if I stayed or if I left and she wouldn't give me advice either way. I am finding it all v difficult emotionally and having more anxiety attacks which is making life really hard, even though I feel I'm gaining more control. I will continue to document any behaviour that I find is controlling. I also really really need to learn to drive but I don't have my own car or any savings to buy one. It makes me anxious to think about it but it would give me so much freedom.

I am so grateful for all the kind people who posted on my thread for helping me to finally wake up. This is the longest time I have felt determined to take back control!

Sorry for the essay!

We’re still here to support you, Tulip