To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Hi again. Not sure if anybody else is still interested in this thread. I contacted womens aid this morning via their chat service. The very nice volunteer gave me some website a d addresses to have a look at, including some DB charities in my local area.
My H also randomly wrote down all the monthly outgoings of the home. He seemed a bit short and annoyed at me today but think he has a lot on his mind. I now have a better idea of what he pays and how much disposable income he has. I'm not really sure if he is financially controlling me, now he is saying he can manage without me paying half the mortgage (which he can looking at the excess income he has when i pay half the mortage, almost a grand, which he says he saves for emergencies things he needs) He said i could focus on the children and what they need, childcare and the council tax bill. I feel maybe I jumped to conclusions about him but I'm not dismissing anything and will keep a log of anything I find strange especially the unwanted sexual things. I am also still at a loss why he lied to my face about the deeds. Now I feel I have given him a bad name about nothing. Is it normal to be like this? I swing from one extreme to the other in my feelings about the relationship and don't know what to think.

It sounds like he is throwing you a few bones to placate you, to get you to back down from challenging him on anything.

Your original concern was that you felt childish and uninvolved in financial and other matters. Ask yourself whether what he is offering changes that at all? It sounds like he’s still calling all the shots, telling you what to focus your time and money on.

And it definitely does not change the fact that he is sexually abusing you on a daily basis.

I’m really glad you found Women’s Aid helpful.

I agree with @DownThePubWithStevieNicks. I think you should keep asking yourself how you feel. I also think your idea about keeping a log is very good.

If you’d find it helpful, you could write down your feelings and your husband’s behaviour on here or somewhere on your phone, to have a record of your husband’s behaviour and how you’re feeling about it. I think the important thing is to make sure you write it down somewhere that you know only you have access to.

You write here that your husband wrote down the monthly outgoings for you, which you were after. However, you do have an unconditional right to that information. You also write that he seemed short and annoyed with you, for no clear reason. That isn’t acceptable and could be a sign of emotional abuse, especially given the wider context of your relationship that you’ve given here.

You also write here that you’re feeling confused and at a loss. That is not how you should feel in a healthy relationship. It’s not normal to feel like that.

He wants you to stop paying the mortgage so that if you separated, you would have no claim to the house. Do not stop paying it - instead, tell him to pay for childcare. He will resist, and this is why.

He is a predator and an abuser. Please keep checking in here and keep in contact with Woman's Aid. Do it for you children - this is so damaging for them. You need to save them.

Stay strong and keep checking in.

OP why did he write down the outgoings?

Do you think he's read the thread?

If she's married it makes no difference if she pays towards the mortgage or not

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks actually he hasn't been near me much at all today. He's not acting mean just very distant. I did suspect he isn't happy about something.

@cupcaske123 No I don't think he has. I did ask him a few days ago if he wouldn't mind and then I was talking about childcare again last night so think that's possibly why. He just didn't seem happy about it though. Something doesn't feel right. I will just have to keep an eye on the situation. Atleast I now have the number of a support organisation local to me and support on here of course.

@Acapulco12 Thank you that's such good advice!

I agree with this. It’s very obvious he is saying this because thinks you not paying the mortgage will less your claim to the home – what a huge coincidence he has said this a couple of days after you probing.

But OP’s husband doesn’t appear to know that or wants to frighten her off. He has previously told her that if she left him she wouldn’t get anything from the house.

He is keeping it, deeds mortgage and all, solely in his name AND lying to OP about it for a reason.

Unfortunately, that's not entirely true.

I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate about the OP’s mortgage situation.

Cohabitation law is really complex and we aren’t adding anything helpful to the situation by just speculating with no evidence about the difference it might make it OP contributes/doesn't contribute to the mortgage.

OP, the only thing I would advise - bearing in mind I am not a lawyer and have no qualifications/experience/knowledge in this - is that you continue paying part of the mortgage, as you have done, as I think it will be more beneficial than not for you to pay your half of the mortgage.

Can you explain how? I always thought that once you married all property and finances legally belonged to both spouses.

Which is why a chat with a solicitor will help here. I would agree that this is a play from him. It depends on what money has been used to buy the house etc. It's not quite as simple as you are automatically given half the house.

They are married.

The house as the marital home is a joint asset.

Paying for childcare should be a joint responsibility as well as their children are theirs not hers.

If the house is in trust or has a relatives name on it then it belongs to the trust or the relative not him.

However the OP seems to have found the deeds with just his name on and hasn't indicated she isn't in England so the house is jointly owned.

If they divorce whoever lives with the children if they are under 18 most of the time will get most of the marital assets. This is why lots of men wait until their youngest child is 17 before initiating divorce proceedings.

Though this is true, we have reason to believe the husband thinks otherwise (either erroneously or not!). He has previously told the OP that if she left him she wouldn’t get any of the house because she’s not on the mortgage.

He has deliberately kept her off the mortgage and the deeds.

All this leads me to think he isn’t as bright as he thinks he is and is attempting to ensure assets stay with him.

I think his purpose in telling the OP not to pay the mortgage anymore is ‘throwing her the bone of extra money’ on the face of it, but really he think he is securing the asset for himself by not accepting mortgage payments from her. It’s not a coincidence that he has suddenly said this after she has questioned the deeds to the house. He asked her ‘what she is planning’ and now he is worried and tightening up on his (flawed) security.

Thanks for everybody's input, I really do appreciate it. As regards the housing situation. I'm not too concerned atm. I know that I will have rights when it comes to it. And I'm not planning on leaving H imminently. I'm going to keep on observing and keeping a record of things that I suspect are abuse so i have enough evidence so to speak. I may talk to a friend if I'm brave enough but not sure yer. Thanks again for all the help. Xx

Good luck Tulip, I suspect that you are more grown up and capable than you realise.
Also leaving this man when you are ready will be the making of you.

It's hard to know what is normal and acceptable when you haven't been exposed to it but your gut feeling is rarely wrong. Well done for taking steps and reaching out.

@Holshicup yes that's true. My gut feeling hasn't been good for a long time.

Hopefully she’s still reading x

I am still reading. I visited a friend today from work (not the one in my religion). Iv shared a lot with her in the past, and she works in the same building as me and my H and his ex. I asked her if she had heard anything about my H and she just said what iv heard before, that he was nice but ex said he was controlling. Altho she does have many issues herself. I told her a lot about my marriage, specifically the lying about the deeds, the refusing to have a joint account, and the having sex in sleep. She seemed a bit worried because of what she heard before. She told me to give him one more chance and ask him if i can be put on the deeds. She said his reaction will reveal who he truly is and it's important to talk about these things. I understand her point. I won't know his reasoning unless I ask him.

I am still going to watch out for his behaviour but in worried I am getting things wrong again and seeing things that aren't there

I’m curious to know what your religion is OP, does it have any relevance to your situation? Are you encouraged to stay with your husband despite his behaviour?