To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

OK. Thanks everybody.

I wouldn’t believe him about the life insurance either. You need to check everything and don’t take his word for it.

H looked uncomfortable and said I'm not on the mortgage Cs I don't pay it but I'm on the deeds.

He said you don't pay the mortgage? You pay half the mortgage! Even though you are only working part-time and he works full time in a senior role. What is he playing at? It's outrageous that you are paying so much. It's equally outrageous that your husband would lie to you about these matters.

I just want say, OP, that circumstances and your background have stood in the way of "becoming a grown up", as you put it. But you can absolutely do this. it's never too late to become more of a "grown up" (I say "more" because you are a grown up already and, from the sound of it, doing a great job in difficult circumstances). You've already made a huge step by posting here. But please make sure that your husband doesn't see this thread by logging out of all devices. And I seriously do not recommend discussing your issues with your husband or mother. Keep everything to yourself while you assess the situation and work out what to do next.

Well it would be a coincidence so I would assume not (an application would cover things like registering a new owner or a mortgage)

For a start, tell him you are no longer going to be paying half the mortgage on a house you don't own.

I think he's telling the truth. He has no reason not too be on that one, it's not like it will affect me leaving him while he's still alive.

So this month he said I dont need to pay half of the mortgage because I am paying for a trip to London to see extended family. This was before I mentioned the deeds so I know its nothing to do with that. As for the deeds and blatantly lying about it, I'm confused. He's had three mortgages now, one with his ex wife, one when I first met him and a new one now while we've been married. There's no way he doesn't know what a deed is and looks like. Why would he lie about it? He must think I'm stupid. Is he terrified of losing everything like he did to his ex I wonder. He said he gave her everything just to make it easy and get it over with. Then I heard accusations through other people of him being controlling and she overdosed at one point after the marriage blaming him for making her have depression. I don't know what to think tbh.

You're married so entitled to a share of the house irrespective of whether you're on the deeds or not. If you're concerned about where you stand legally you can contact Rights of Women.

Can you contact a domestic abuse organisation? It might help to have a chat and you can ask them all these questions.

If you ever decide to divorce him before you start proceedings or even if he starts proceeding you can immediately put a notification (can't remember the proper name at the moment) with the land registry which prevents him from selling the house until the financials have been agreed. (It also prevents him not sharing his pension.)

If he drops dead in England and he hasn't written a will you are entitled to:
"

• all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died, and
• the first £322,000 of the estate, and
• half of the remaining estate."

If he has written a will, left everything to your children without leaving enough for you to live on and/or a place for you to live then you can contest it, and will likely win.

So not putting you on the deeds or mortgage simply means you have to take extra steps to enforce your legal rights in the event of divorce or his death but you do have those legal rights.

BTW there are stories of women who have been in the same situation as you were their husband controls all the finances. The husband dies and the surviving spouse in the better stories has to learn to pay bills while in the worse stories has to deal with debt. This is one reason why you are being encouraged to find out as much as possible about the finances. (In fact it would probably be better for you to pay one of the bills e.g. council tax OR gas/electric OR water bill but not all which is in your name rather than pay towards mortgage. Then you would have more appropriate ID.)

He very likely sexually abused her too, OP.

He likely didn’t lose everything OP. I expect a court decided what a fair distribution of assets was and he didn’t like it.

He behaves like all of your joint assets are his, and likely he was the same in his first marriage, which is why he feels he has lost it all. In reality it wasn’t all his to lose in the first place.

By mostly being a SAHM you have lost pension contributions to both state and private pensions. You will likely be entitled to at least 50% of everything.

I’m afraid I absolutely believe he was controlling and abusive with his ex and she probably needed some counselling to come to terms with what he had done to her.

You are doing well OP.
Please make it your next step to contact Women’s Aid. Start the ball rolling. It doesn’t all have to happen at once. The day you can leave this arsehole behind we’ll all be cheering for you.

💐

I knew someone in a marriage very like this. He controlled all the money , wife worked part time earning very little. He hid his assets when they divorced and she had to take him to court. When they eventually got divorced he refused to give her any maintenance and she brought the children up alone without any financial help. He was also sexually abusive.

You sound like you’re just waking up from a nightmare, OP. We are all rooting for you.

Thanks again for everyone's replies. I will try and contact women's aid after work. I am not too concerned about what finances etc.i can get at this point. I really am just wanting to understand why I feel the way I do and if things are all they seem. But some of the replies here have woken up some of the worries I previously had. It's v difficult because he isn't physically abusive, he doesn't even shout and he loves me more than anybody could. But I still don't think it's very healthy and makes me feel like I'm not an equal but inferior.

OP, while I absolutely think you should get in touch with Women's Aid, they aren't going to help you understand your feelings or work out 'if things are all they seem' -- what do you mean by that? You still seem unconvinced that you are in an abusive marriage. Why do you think he 'loves you more than anyone could'?

Someone who loves you would not lie about very important things, hide their finances and sexually abuse you. Fact.

The sad truth is that he doesn't love you. Not at all. He may say that he does, he may swear up and down that he loves you. But his actions show the exact opposite. He is an abusive, controlling person who has you exactly where he wants you.

For your own sake, for the sake of the children, please get out of this marriage.

Touching you without your full consent and enthusiasm, and against your wishes is physical abuse. It’s coercive physical abuse, because you do not feel in a position to say no.

Is this not in any way, shape or form love. At all.

I finished work a bit late today and tried to join the chatbox on women's aid website but the waiting time was too long. But I shall try tommorow if I can. My head still feels very mixed up. Especially when they're so many nice things in the marriage like my husband calling me beautiful while he was sat at the table and I was making tea. I think I will continue writing things down and making a digital log of untoward behaviour.

Can you get any counselling sessions?

@Didimum I have had counselling on and off for years. I don't really see ow it would be benefit this situation if I'm being honest.

You say you wish to sort out all the thoughts in your head. This is what counselling is for.

You are effectively having counselling here, because you are speaking your thoughts and receiving feedback on them with support for your wellbeing. Except none of us are professionals or equipt to properly counsel on abuse.

Was the counselling through your religion? Or was it therapeutic, with a properly qualified person?

It was through IAPT. I have been referred several times.

Well done for getting support, it’s not easy.