To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Your mindset of "I'm not a proper grown up" is self fulfilling prophecy. If you think you're not an adult then you won't behave like one.

The truth is, you are an adult. You have been an adult for 15 years. You have the power to play a more active role in your own life and make decisions. Things do not just 'happen' to you - you make a choice.

I recommend you start by speaking to someone at a charity like Women's Aid about your relationship. It sounds abusive and controlling.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I'm not sure this would be the best thing. I love my mum and like spending time with her but she's not the best at giving emotionl support. She never hugged me or told me she loves me for example. The fact she has stayed with my abusive dad for so long who is far worse tells me she won't think what my H is doing is a big deal. I think she will tell me to stay for the children and she does really like H.

Thanks for all your continued replies. I had some terrible panic attacks last night. Thinking I can't cope with everything and would rather bury my head in the sand. I also worry how I'm going to cope if I do go it alone as I can't even cope with being an adult or parent now. I did tell my H this morning I was up a lot during the night, and his reply was 'you should have come downstairs and given me a bl*w job.' He said it in a non-serious jovial way but it's always the same, i just wish he would be caring towards me as a person not a sexual being. When he came in from work last night he doesn't hug me or kiss me he goes straight to putting his hands down my shorts. It just reinforces what many of you have been saying about his boundaries being messed up. But today I just feel I can't cope. And iv noone to talk to in person. I cannot ring woemns aid for the next few days because I am either at work or my husband is at home.

I was just about to post that maybe your mum isn't the best person to advise. She doesn't sound like she's got the healthiest view of what a good relationship looks like.

I honestly think you need to make an appointment with a good female solicitor and find out where you are positioned. Get all your "stupid' questions answered. This doesn't need to lead to any changes, but it will help you sort out in your head where you stand. It's also a good powerful move and will give you a bit of confidence in your own power.

As a pp said, you are an adult, forget that feeling of not being grown up enough... We All just ignore that and power through.

You can cope by the way, you are stronger than you know. Small steps every day. Write down your 10 first steps and try and cross one off each day. Over step could be just to grab his hand and say "no, stop it, I don't like it".

You don't have to do everything all at once. Break it down into manageable steps. You can do it.

OP there are a few things you can do if you can't talk on the phone. Women's Aid have a chat service so you can chat to them even if he's around. You can also go to a pharmacist and ask for Ani, you'll be taken to a room where you can make a call to a domestic abuse organisation.

I wouldn't bother with your mum, she sounds unsupportive and dangerous if she pressures you to stay.

Just take his hands out of your pants and say Stop it! Firmly and walk away. If he asks for sexual favours, say Don't talk to me like that. And walk away.

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Go easy on yourself OP. You are coming to terms with an accepting a lot of unpleasant things about your relationship.

I agree your mum won’t help you here. Not sure your friend will either if she is totally taken in with the religion you were indoctrinated into.

I also agree that you could be more assertive with H if you feel safe to do so. When he assaults you by putting his hand down your pants do make it clear by saying “ No. Stop. I don’t want you to do that and don’t consent to it’. He will maybe ignore you or laugh. But you have made it clear. You can repeat it each time.

At the same time your being more assertive and asking questions about finances will make this controlling man more suspicious even if you have good justification eg I want to work out how I can still work and how we can afford childcare together etc.

Change your passwords for email accounts etc. Or set up new ones he doesn’t know about. Change the lock code on your phone. Where does your wage currently get paid to? Is it your own account? Look into banks with cash back that also have interest rates on savings accounts.

If you start chatting to someone on text about him turn off notifications so they don’t flash up on your screen. Don’t leave mumsnet logged in. If you have shared devices erase your sites from search history.

I think you should journal all of his assaults and lies. Maybe digitally. Just on emails that you send to yourself on an email account he doesn’t know about. That way he can’t find the journal lying around. Don’t save this email login to your phone. And always log out.

You can email Women’s Aid: mailto:[email protected]
or call in your lunch break.

You will definitely be able to cope on your own but one step at a time OP.

💐

Could you phone Women’s Aid whilst you are on a break at work if possible? I think it would be helpful to contact them as soon as you can, and they can advise as soon as possible.

@Catoo I was also going to suggest the OP emails Women’s Aid, but I’ve just checked their website and they say on it that they don’t handle specific queries about domestic abuse - only general enquiries - from that email address.

I don't really get any privacy at work so that wouldn't be possible. Even our staff toilets are right next to the office! My H also works in the same building but not department but a few of them know him so I don't want to take any risks.

Can you go for a walk in your lunch break?

@Catoo Thanks. All really good advice there. I had thought about writing things down yesterday because sometimes I think I'm going mad or over-dramatising things. I haven't mentioned anything about household expenses yet. I did ask for the gov username and password so I could check nursry funding for my 1 year old and it's in his name. He did say why, what are you wanting to do? So.sounded suspicious so I will hold off asking too many questions.

I've been on MN for many years and this thread is honestly one of the most horrifying I have ever read. Please leave this man. Your life will improve beyond measure and your children will have the chance to grow up in a happy, calm household.

As PPs have said, your husband is a criminal. He raped you repeatedly, he continues to abuse you sexually every single day (and your children have probably witnessed that). It doesn't matter that your mother or your best friend believe this behaviour is OK. They are wrong.

And your husband is absolutely not a good father. I had a good dad. He loved and respected my mother. He treated her as an equal in every way. She was a SAHM for years but he never, ever claimed that the money he earned belonged to him. He never belittled her or tried to control or dominate her. He was a good dad in many other respects as well, but the way he treated my mother is the polar opposite of how your husband treats you.

I would recommend not asking your husband anything else about finances. He has already proved himself to be a liar so you can't really trust him. He seems to be suspicious of your motivations as well. In addition, I think it could be very empowering for you to take the initiative to discover everything you can about mortgages, deeds, other financial matters. Don't rely on anyone else to give you this information. Nothing will make you feel like an adult more than taking charge and becoming an active participant in your own life. And please, please contact Women's Aid and take steps to leave this appalling man.

We’re all behind you, @Tulip2478

Really sorry everyone- is this definitely a copy of the deeds? (Excuse the bad scribbling out!)

Yes.

OP, I wouldn’t fixate on the deeds. It’s outrageous that you pay half the mortgage bill yet aren’t listed as a co-owner of the house. But ultimately, as you’re married, you’ll have an entitlement to your share in any event.

I would definitely keep copies of all your bank statements showing you’ve paid half of the mortgage consistently over time. Do you have the payments clearly referenced as ‘mortgage’ on your statement?

It’s your H’s statements for things like pensions, savings accounts, investments that you need to track down, before he can empty/spend/transfer them elsewhere. But you’ll need to be discreet about it, obviously.

I'm asking about the deeds because I had a conversation with him tonight about them (against some mumsnetters advice, sorry). So if they are the deeds then I am starting to see my husband for what he is because he lied several times at first saying I'm on the deeds and he categorically told me this document was not the deeds.

No they aren't on my statement as that. I just transfer the money into my husbands account. I looked for a his statements for everything and couldn't find a single one, except old ones. I imagine they are all online so I can't access them.

Or could you call them on your way into work? E.g. if you drive, could you park somewhere and quickly call them? Or if you get public transport, could you get off a couple of stops earlier and ring them while you’re walking?

When it comes to the point of you getting a lawyer, I think you should explain to your lawyer that you can’t access any of your husband’s finances. They’ll be able to advise you on the best course of action.

Technically that’s not an office copy of the deeds but unless there’s an application relating to the house I think it’s pretty much an accurate description of the ownership.

Yes I did read that as well. But there won't be an application will they? So he has just straight up lied to me several times.

I know I maybe shouldn't have brought it up but i felt I had to. I used the excuse of applying for a credit card and asked if I will be seen as a home owner because I'm not on the deeds. H looked uncomfortable and said I'm not on the mortgage Cs I don't pay it but I'm on the deeds. I showed him the copy on my phone and he said no thats not the deeds several times. I knew he was lying and getting agitated because he raised his voice to our son who was pestering him which he wouldn't normally do. Then I said will my mum know? To test the waters even more and he didn't respond but could tell he was seething inside so I dropped it and said something about saving for childcare which be seemed OK about.

I know it doesn't matter about the deeds and he has life insurance if he died j would get the house anyway, but he lied to me knowingly and he said I would be on the mortgage when we moved house together.

OP you're not stupid, you can learn all that stuff about life. Nobody is born knowing what deeds and a mortgage are. You have a job, you are online, you can look stuff up on the Internet and find out whatever you need to know. I don't know if you have an android or an iPhone but on android you can look at things in incognito mode and it won't show on your history in case you think he would go through your phone.

And you have an iPhone, it’s the same - it also lets you look up stuff in incognito mode. Good luck xx