To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

No he's not part of that religion. I only mentioned it because I said on this thread previously the only person IRL I spoke to was in the religion of my parents and they look down on divorce. My husband isn't religious.

I meant you really. I wonder if you have internalised those attitudes to divorce. For example I know Jehovah’s Witnesses encourage women to stay in marriages come what may.

I dont, i no longer believe in the religion. I'm not against divorce, I am still confused as to what's happening in my marriage.

It’s not confusing really, it’s just that you seem reluctant to accept the truth. Your husband lies to you, doesn’t treat you like an equal partner, is trying to control you. He also treats you like a sex doll with no regard for your feelings. That would be enough for most people to divorce . No amount of talking to him will change those facts. He is highly unlikely to change his behaviour either.

Sorry yes I see your point. I mean confusing in the sense that i sway between things feeling not right and things seeming to be good. And after confiding in a friend IRL who advised to ask kindly about being on the deeds I wasn't sure whether to try this, as like she said his reaction will tell you more. And whether it's worth having a proper discussion about everything because he maybe doesn't realise.
It really feels very confusing and not clear which direction I should take.

OP 100% your husband realises he controls the money and doesn’t allow you access to household income or accounts. 100% he knows this is financial control and is a crime.

100% he tries to stop you working and says you have to use your wages on childcare or mortgage, making sure you have very little left to secure alternative housing.

100% he knows raping you in your sleep is a crime.

100% he knows he should not be pulling your clothing up or down and that this is assault.

I also think he is responsible for the accidental pregnancy since he was in control of the contraceptive and was raping you in your sleep. I think he doesn’t want any more children as it will give you an excuse to continue sleeping in a separate room for a few more years.

What do you think he doesn’t realise?

My friend was the one who said maybe he doesn't realise. I told her basically everything and she said to give him the benefit of the doubt and have a good long talk about things im not happy about, and to ask about being put on the deeds. I'm still not sure. He has been very lovely these past few days and asking how I am etc. He's not pulled anything down. And because my friend was fairly ambivalent about it it's making me think whether I should lay my cards on the table so to speak and have a chat about it.
He wasn't responsible for the pregnancy no we used a condom and it failed.
And no I don't think he's not getting me pregnant because he wants to come back into the room. We would both like the kids to sleep in their own rooms me included. But I am worried he may wake me up again.
He doesn't try to stop me working I never said that. He just doesn't want to pay for childcare himself that's all. I do see his point as I would just be working for childcare. He's OK with me having my own money, it's not like he's wanting to keep me trapped. He just doesn't want to share his money. We're on a day out today and he's seen lots of people from his work and it's easy to see how liked he is. Even my friend said I do seem happy and he is a good father but she was concerned about the financial aspect. I think that just put seeds of doubt into my head and makes me not trust my judgement.

But the other night I was reading my first ever thread under a different username ELL2478 and I was crying at how bad it all sounded. But it was though it was somebody else, because I don't feel like that's my everyday life.

But you aren't happy.

Guys please help! I had a heart to heart with my husband and asked about the mortgage again. I said it felt like he didn't trust me. He just comoletely switched. Went bright red and said that's ridiculous. Shouted at me and ran out the door and now he's driven off and Iv got the children so can't leave. Please help I feel so awful what do I do now.

I think couples counselling may help. Would he be open to that?

I don't know he just seemed so angry. We never ever argue so no he wouldn't even think we needed couples counselling. He didn't let me finish I was trying to say was it because his ex got everything that he was worried I would do the same. I don't know where he's gone this has never happened before I just hope he's OK.

Couples counselling is absolutely NOT recommended when a relationship is abusive. Being raped, sexually assaulted and coerced and controlled is not a relationship problem, it’s abuse.

Why are you worried about whether HE is ok? Are YOU ok? He just can’t handle being called out for his abusive behaviour. Let him stew.

I am worried about what he will do. If he is a safe. No I'm not OK I feel terrible. Iv never seen him like that. It took less than 2 minutes to flip. He went so red u could see the anger coming on his face really quickly. Its because I said it feels like you don't trust me. He said that's upset me then screamed THATS RIDICULOUS as he was going downstairs. I have noone to turn too and I feel so bad and don't know what's going to happen. I just wish I left it all now. He clearly knew I was probing.

He still claims that when you get a mortgage, the bank look at both your finances, and because what I was earning at the time they said I couldn't be on it, especially considering his age. He also said he explained all this in January, he maybe did bit I'm too stupid to remember it probably.

No. He is controlling and abusive.

He was probably right about me not being allowed on the mortgage. And now iv gone and told him I don't think he trusts me for no reason, and hurt him a lot.

He’s angry because he knows you are on to him. He’s managed to keep you where he wants you for quite a few years and now you’re waking up to his abuse.

His ex didn’t get everything. She got her fair share of marital assets. Which is what he is trying to make sure you don’t have access to.

Why shouldn’t he pay childcare for his own children? So what if it almost cancels out your wages if you want to build a career and pensions and financial independence then it’s the price you may have to pay for a few years. But you won’t be worse off as a couple, you may end up with higher pensions and so better off, so what’s the issue? I’ll tell you, he wants you at home where you can’t meet someone nice and normal who you fall for.

So what if he explained in January? He can explain it again. What’s the issue? I’ll tell you what the issue is. He was lying and he will have to tell the same lies again.

You are back tracking. You know you avoid sleeping in the same room to avoid the rapes.

I think enough people have told you now that this man is abusive. It’s difficult to understand how it is possible for you to keep fooling yourself like this. But I guess you just can’t see it or don’t want to believe it when you are in the middle of it.

It’s not really impressive that he’s been nice to you and stopped pulling your clothes down for a few days. No doubt he has suddenly realised after all this time that it’s abusive.

I hope you manage to get yourself and your DC away from him soon.
💐

I'm sorry you are upset, but please do not blame yourself for your husband's anger. It is not your fault and quite frankly it is very telling. He has been controlling you so much in so many ways that even an ordinary question about finances has caused him to blow his top. Apparently he can't stand any tiny challenge to that control.

Please do not back down. You've been in a fog, allowing him to do exactly as he wants financially, emotionally, sexually. It's time for you to stand up for yourself. He is abusive and controlling. You would be so much better off without him.

As for the financial stuff:

Nothing is stopping him from adding your name to the deeds. Nothing.

As many people have said on this thread, childcare is a household expense. You should not be responsible for paying all of it. Nor should you be responsible for paying for half the mortgage if your salary is a fraction of his.

And he is not right about your name being on the mortgage. That isn't how it works at all.

There are mortgages where you can name people who are not working on them. This was mentioned in the thread somewhere. So it is perfectly possible for him to have found one of these mortgages.

He clearly doesn’t trust you to have any freedom or control. You have no access to his income. So you didn’t tell him that for no reason. You have a very good reason. He isn’t hurt. He’s angry you are on to him. He feels he is losing control of you.

If he comes back still furious, it’s time to call the police to get him out. If you can go and stay with family and friends for a few days I would consider that to be honest. These abusive men often turn physical when they think they are losing control.

So he returned home. Wasn't angry or anything seemed really calm. I asker him to talk. But then I got really upset and started crying. I was sobbing a lot but was apologising and saying I just feel that I'm not good enough for the family and I feel like iv never grown up, since we got married and had 3 kids in 5 years straight away my self esteem isn't good. I said I feel that everyone would be better off if I disappeared (which is true). He said the only thing he can do is when the mortgage goes up in 5 years tike I could see if I can get on it. He also said he thought my friend who I visited last night planted something in my head. I just said sorry repeatedly and he said its OK it's done with. And then he was absolutely fine.

I know people on here will be disappointed that I cried and apologised.

I know nothing about mortgages so can't verify if what he is saying is true which is extremely frustrating.

In a healthy relationship you should be able to have difficult conversations/discuss sensitive things without someone shouting and storming off.

it’s really not a big deal to ask him about this stuff

There was no reason for you to apologise. He is the one who owes you an apology. Actually, not just one but many.

I'm not saying this to berate you. I know how easy it is to fall into typical patterns of behaviour. He is used to being in control. You are used to being controlled. You are used to deferring to him in everything, and (like many women) you seem to be taking responsibility for the emotional temperature in the house.

Please listen to everyone on this thread. What is happening in your relationship is not OK. Find your strength, find your anger. And get the hell out of there.