To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Ask him for the name of the mortgage provider. Then phone them and ask him to verify that they can speak to you about the mortgage. Ask them if and when you can be put on the mortgage . If you can’t , ask them when the mortgage can be switched to another provider without penalty . Make a note of the date. When the time comes, make damn sure you’re on the new mortgage . If it is free to switch now, get him to do it and show you the proof it has been done. Then phone the mortgage provider to check .

Alternatively, just divorce him.

It does seem like I'm back-tracking yes. That's what my mind does all the time. For those who are suprised I cannot see the abuse I would like to say I have told two friends IRL now. One who is decade older than me and a survivor of horrific domestic abuse including sexual and physical and even she wasn't overly concerned or telling me he is abusive and to get put. So sometimes I do have doubts because these people know me very well.

Have you told them how he pulls your underwear down and treats you like a sex object?

I told them both that he touches and penetrates me in my sleep, and that he has joked about it being rape and joking that he doesn't need consent. And that he seems to be interested in sexual touching all the time.

I think I'm going to reflect on the whole thing and write it down.

If they think that’s normal they have strange boundaries themselves.

If you're married you can both be on the mortgage and deeds, whether you're earning or not. And he knows it.

He's trying to convince you you're stupid and incapable of understanding anything, and it sounds like he's succeeding.

A couple that never argues is a couple where one person is the underdog. Why do you never argue? Because you've been convinced that you're stupid and needy to believe everything he says? Because you're scared of his anger?

He's using anger to control you. And succeeding there too.

He's a bloody liar.

You haven't mentioned that you had loads of debt or any other problems with your credit.

As you are married to him the bank would need to know you live in the house and would have a claim to the property if something went wrong e.g. you divorced, he dropped dead. Nearly all mortgage companies want to know what adults are living in the property to understand who would and wouldn't have a claim if major adverse life events happened.

Also as you are younger than him it would be better for him to have you on the mortgage as he could get a longer term if needed. I have a friend with a younger husband who has a joint mortgage and her mortgage term seems ridiculous to me but it is based on her husband being younger than her. When she got married she went to the bank and put his name on the mortgage even though he didn't have a complete credit record as he came from abroad.

@Elsvieta You are absolutely right. We don't argue because i darent question him about anything or let him know I unhappy in any way. He has done this before but instead of getting angry he went really cold and looked weirdly calm, while he sat and watched me cry for 5 minutes straight while 20 weeks pregnant. He didn't apologise, he never apologises and always finds a way to turn it back on me.

OK, so now at least you're recognizing what's happening. Or at least some of the time you are? But then sometimes (like in your previous answer to the last commenter), it seems like you're not? Talking about how you've "hurt him" (by asking perfectly reasonable questions and maybe actually standing up to him a bit for once) and made him think you don't trust him for "no reason" (he's lying to your face, very deliberately and with full knowledge, about how mortgages work, which seems like a damn good reason). Maybe try to hold onto the part of your mind that's starting to actually wake up to what's going on here?

Not sure if anyone is still following. I know I'm being annoying by posting all the time, iv used this thread as an outlet for everything (sorry)!
I have a 13 hour shift today and can't face it. H was out last night for 2 hours, I wrote down everything I could about his behaviour and what I remember in the past. It doesn't look good me reading it, from him abusing me in my sleep including emotying himslef on my face while asleep, to him having pulling me onto the floor and having sex in the kitchen because he thought my repeated 'nos' were me joking, to him sending a picture of me to a colleague wearing just a thong from behind, his manipulation, he never apologises it's always me who's in the wrong. He will go on and tease me about other men but he has loads of female friends and I don't question it. He teases me about my past and calls me things like sl*t when iv only been with one man before him (always in a jokey way ofc.)

He is controlling, he sees me as lesser and an object, he has no respect for me. He will gladly be physically rough with me I feel to assert his 'dominance' but always in a jokey way so it seems OK, like pushing me slapping me including face in jest, pulling my hair. But he's so bothered how he presents himslef to his work colleagues who think he's absolutely amazing. I feel iv checked out of our marriage. I'm done. I see him for what he is. That gut instinct when he let me sob for 5 minutes because he said I humiliated him for asking why his first married ended and that there were rumours about his being controlling, well that was right.im going to contact the local services near me given by womens aid on Thursday. I have no idea what next steps to take, or whether to tell anyone IRL. I have no money at all maybe £100 to my name which is very difficult. I realise it may not be possible to leave just yet, but as long as I keep reading my diary I will not let myself be manipulated by him. Iv checked out, i dont respect him even though i do still love him which i know is normal. Thanks to everybody who has replied, I really feel iv got an army behind me! Sorry for these really long posts, they are the last ones I promise!

I agree with this, OP.
On the plus side, you are aware of things that weren't and aren't right: not everybody who begins therapy has such a clear vision of their problems! That, to me, shows maturity! Good luck 💐

Edited: Oh... now I've seen your other posts, OP. OBVIOUSLY you are not the problem here!!!

Reading your last posts is heartbreaking. This man is a typical manipulative bully. Unfortunately they often choose people who have low self esteem or lack family support . They often also appear charming to others.

Thank God you are seeing him for what he is. I hope you find the support you need to break free. Don’t apologise for posting here. Do it as much and as often as you need to.

You are strong and you are grown up. Take back your power.

I am SO PROUD of you for this. Think about how you are doing this incredibly difficult thing for the sake of yourself and your child, and realise how big and powerful you really are! Stand up straight, take up your space in the world. You deserve it, and it’s yours to take. But you don’t have to do it alone - let all the people you’ve been pointed to here help you.

Just read the thread - well done OP! There is no need to apologise for posting here, this is what Mumsnet is for! Please keep posting :-) Wishing you the very best of luck x

😊🙌💜

OP - none of this is “jokey” it’s absolutely heartbreaking to think that you’ve believed this. His treatment of you is appalling. Im lost for words.
i am so so pleased you can see him now for what he is, wishing you nothing but the best 💗

I’m so impressed that you have recognised his abuse and control for what they are. It takes a huge amount of courage to do that. Now I am cheering you on to leave this horrendous man. You can build a wonderful new life for yourself and your children. Stay strong.

How are you, Tulip?

Hi. Thanks for still remembering me! I have been ok. H is being very nice and caring. Says he doesn't know what's wrong with me and I seem 'lost', although he hasn't said sorry to me or admitted he's done anything wrong after blowing up the other day. Unfortunately, iv been having more frequent and worse panic attacks and he had to help me to breathe and keep calm the other day. I then feel so weak and useless and feel I can't do this without him, especially if I were alone with the children. Not really sure what my next steps are. I tried mentioning to my mum about the mortgage but she didnt seem alarmed she thinks a lot of H.

I think it's very sadly become clear that the people around you aren't going to save you. I'd argue that they aren't people that value themselves or you too highly, but I'd also argue that you have an incredibly strong sense of what is happening to you here and that you know – very strongly – that it isn't right. I know in the face of feeling confused it doesn't feel strong, but it just keeps coming back, doesn't it? And it never entirely goes away. This is normal – no abused or traumatised person wakes up with absolute clarity on her situation. It's a long hard road, paved with doubt and difficulty. I don't say that to discourage you, but to let you know that you truly do have to save yourself.

It might not fee like it, but you have benefits on your side – a job, good qualifications and a wealthy enough husband who will have have no choice but to provide for you and the children. You just have to figure out your first step.

@Didimum Thanks for your encouraging words.