To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

You seem very reluctant to see your husband in an abusive light, OP. Which is understandable. But given your past posting history, and now this, I think it’s crucial you start to really dig deep into your relationship. Your posts are full of you blaming yourself. Other women here would not call out abuse if they didn’t very plainly see it.

Thanks. I wasn't aware that I had a previous thread I thought it was deleted because I can't see it on my account.
I know it doesn't sound great but it's not really an abusive relationship, it's not as simple as that. And I think I would feel this way regardless of my marriage.

I know it doesn't sound great but it's not really an abusive relationship

Your husband has repeatedly raped you and you think it’s not an abusive relationship? Abuse isn’t just anger and battery - in your case it sounds like your husband doesn’t view or treat you as an actual human being, so it’s no wonder you don’t feel like an adult.

OP if you're not on the deeds or mortgage you are vulnerable. It means that your husband could sell or remortgage the property without your consent. If he refuses to put you on the deeds you can register a marital right of occupation. You can do that here:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

Legally you have equal right to money coming into the house and any savings or investments. I would ask how much your husband earns, how much he's saved and any investments he has and any debt. I'd also want to know how much the mortgage is and how much he pays per month.

I would enquire about utilities and other expenditure such as food, house maintenance and things bought for the children. I would request a joint account where you pay money proportional to your income each month towards bills. Making sure you have additional money left over for personal spending money. You also need to be paying into a pension.

I would tell him that you want an equal say in major household decisions and he's not to make big financial decisions without discussion.

I would contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some advice on your current situation.

No problem!

This link explains what property deeds are: https://www.pettyson.co.uk/about-us/our-blog/898-what-are-title-deeds#:~:text=This%20series%20of%20documents%20not,history%20of%20the%20home's%20ownership.

I don’t think you will be, given what you’ve just explained on the thread. You can still be put on the deeds though.

It’s important because the deeds are proof of your right to own the house/property.

I would suggest this is a priority - first to ask your DH if you are on the deeds and next to explain you need to be on the deeds and to get yourself on them.

Good luck.

@cupcaske123 thanks for the practical advice! I know what the mortgage is because I transfer money to his bank account to pay for half of it from my monthly wages.
I will ask about the deeds later on, I just need to think about a way to phrase it so it's not accusatory or too direct.
I have mentioned a joint account in the past and he says no and that his mum and dad never had one. It sounds stupid and hard to explain but asking him direct questions especially things about his money is really hard for me.

Thanks for your message. If you are referring to him crossing sexual boundaries while I have been asleep, this hasn't happened since my baby was born because I co-sleep. So this is no longer happening. I honestly don't know how I'd cope on my own as a mother and this thread makes me realise it even more as I'm clueless about so many things!

A little chat with DH about finances is not going to help - in fact the more he knows what is going on in your head, the more vulnerable you are. Talk to womens aid, a solicitor and any friends/family you have. You and your children are living with an abusive man.

It’s not crossing boundaries, it’s a crime. He committed crimes against you and he knows it. He’s refusing to allow you access to the family money and he’s making it all sound much more complicated than it actually is because he wants to keep you in a vulnerable position so that you feel like you can’t leave. I promise you that you are absolutely capable of coping, it’s his subtle attacks on your self esteem coupled with your childhood that makes you think you’re not.

Here's some info on financial abuse:
https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20is%20a%20common,accessibility%20to%20the%20family%20finances.

It's very hard OP, so take your time to read up and absorb information. It's like a fog lifting when you begin to see reality.

When you talk to him be calm, polite and persistent. Don't let him sidetrack you or put you off. Have a notepad and pen and write down your questions and note his answers so you have a rough idea of expenditure. Get as much proof as possible, if it feels safe to do so.

If he becomes aggressive or threatening, immediately drop the conversation and get advice. You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is open 24/7. You can obviously call the police if you're being threatened.

Just on the back of this, I’ve noticed that in a lot of your posts on this thread @Tulip2478, you put yourself down and criticise yourself. This is likely to be because of the dynamic of your relationship between you and your husband, at least partially. And also - partially - because of the environment that you grew up in. For this reason, I’d suggest you look into getting counselling. I think it would be very helpful for you. Good luck.

This is an excellent point. I think you should follow this advice - and look at the resources in @cupcaske123’s post - before you talk with your husband, OP.

I agree with others. I’m a sahm and I’m on the mortgage. Our house is in joint names but we’re married anyway.

You feel immature because your abusive partner has made you feel like way.

I would advise you not speaking to your husband either, OP. He will get wind that you are beginning to question things, and he will not like that.

You are deliberately using terms such as ‘crossing sexual boundaries’ to soften the blow to yourself, which I understand, but this man has raped you vaginally and anally while you slept. When you said you didn’t like it he laughed and said he does not need your consent. He accused you of being attracted to a neighbour and called you a whore. The only reason he has not raped you recently is because co-sleeping is being used as a defensive barrier to it.

This behaviour could have happened a day ago or a decade ago. He is a rapist and would receive a criminal sentence for these crimes.

Do not bring your children up with a rapist. Your father was accused of sexual assault too, wasn’t he? Break the cycle. You will be able to leave this life and get help.

Trust me, I’ve tried on previous threads and it’s got me precisely nowhere because the OP isn’t willing to see that her husband anally raping her doesn’t make him a “good man”.

I get she’s being abused and probably is no longer capable of seeing the wood for the trees, but she’s had so many threads on here that many of us are worried for the children who keep being added to this mess.

I appreciate you’re frustrated, but please try and reserve judgement as much as you can. Anyone who ir being abused needs lots of time and patience to realise they’re being abused. It’s not a question of the OP being ‘willing’ or not to see the situation she’s in - she will see it, with time. Good luck, OP.

Oh, you’ve ‘tried’. Bless your heart, what a difficult thing you have endured in life.

Stop victim blaming and have a word with yourself. It takes women years to leave their abusers. They will, on average, return to their abusers seven times before finally breaking free. OP has been controlled all her life and comes from an abusive family. She has no money and three children.

And you’re ticked off because she’s not jumping into action at your demands on an internet forum. You should be embarrassed for yourself.

You’re clearly triggered that someone has said something you don’t agree with.
Odd.
Not sure if you think you’re a moderator on this form but you don’t get to dictate what others post. Bless your heart for thinking otherwise.

I grew up in a situation similar to the OP’s children. My mother is now 80, still married to a “good man” who kept a roof over her head while abusing her and all of us. She chose him over us at every juncture. Still does. She’s bitter now and angry at us for being born as she feels we’re what tied her to him for so long.

I stand by my comments. Until the OP admits to herself that she’s in an abusive marriage, nothing will change.

I’m really sorry about you and your mum, DrNo.

I agree with what you’ve written here - Until the OP admits to herself that she’s in an abusive marriage, nothing will change.

Having said that, I think we need to try and support the OP as much as we can until she’s in a position where she can see she’s in an abusive marriage and where she can take action to address that. It is counterproductive and unhelpful for us to judge the OP. We need to try and be there for her, to help her gather the strength and confidence she deserves to see that her relationship is abusive.

OP your husband is 20 years older than you so in the target age group to just have a heart attack, and either drop dead or be severely disabled. (He's also in the age group where people have strokes or cancers.)

You need to be on the deeds.

You need to know about the household finances.

You need to know about his finances.

Both of you should have wills were there is proper provision in case one of you dies and the other ends up as a single parent.

If he refuses to give you this information then he's proving other posters point.

Edited to say: The excuse that both his parents and grandparents lived to 101 or whatever doesn't cut it, as some conditions are random.

You aren’t ’not a grown up’, you have been targeted and groomed by a much older man, after having a neglectful upbringing.

this is not your fault.

now is the time to use the internet to educate yourself on all the things you don’t know. Speak to women’s
aid, anyone that could help you.

I don’t think your husband is your friend here. In fact he is probably the enemy. Start gathering info. Tell him you are worried that if something happens to him you won’t know anything and it will affect the children.

is he likely to be tracking you online?

He’s 50.

How many 50 year olds do you hear of having fatal heart attacks or very debilitating strokes?

It can happen, DrNow. Isn’t it better to be prepared for this sort of thing, rather than caught by surprise?

Oh it can happen, but it’s not all that common.

In fact, as they’re married, a death would almost be easier in terms of admin and probate.

Much more likely here is that they divorce, especially as this is already his second marriage.

So I agree with you that she needs to understand finances, but to understand what he could be hiding and where should they split.

Urgh, the day can’t come soon enough when ignorant people on this forum stop accusing people of being ‘triggered’ when they have a robust reaction to a woman treating another like garbage.

No, I’m not triggered. I have thankfully never suffered an abusive relationship in my life. I am simply not going to tolerate you attempting to make the OP feel like shit.

From your post, you are very clearly the triggered one. Perhaps step away from the thread if all you can do is see fault in OP.