To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

I think many people don't feel like they've fully grown up, they just cover up their insecurities better!

I'm sorry OP but to me your DH sounds financially abusive. My advice would be to have this thread moved to Relationships where you may get more detailed advice on how to deal with this from posters who are more familiar with this situation.

Thanks for your reply. I wasn't aware this is how a lot of people felt, I guess I just compare myself and life.

I'm not sure if its financial abuse. I did think it could be at one point but he doesn’t stop me from working part time. But I can tell he wants to take full control of the running of the house. He is lightyears ahead of me in experience and maturity however. I also don't know how to move a post.

I’m 41 my kids are 18 and 14 and I look at them and think how am I old enough to have them! Their problems are much bigger now and a cuddle and snack doesn’t solve them so I regularly feel out of my depth and don’t feel mature enough to deal with them 🤣

Im also in a relationship with the same age gap as you. We met through work and he was more senior than me, now been together 20 years - not married (neither of us really felt the need) BUT I’ve always been on the mortgage - we don’t have a joint account but both see our money as family money, we go through bills together, both know each others outgoings and make all major decisions together.

i think your comment that he doesn’t stop you working is worrying, does he stop you doing other things? Does he support your work? My DP supported my career fully and I’m now much more senior than him earning X2 his wage and he picks up the slack at home because we’re a team.

I don’t think the issue is your maturity, it’s your relationship I’m sorry! 💐

It sounds like your parents undermined you and tried to keep you in a childlike dependant state and you have replicated this dynamic with your husband. You really need some counselling on this issue, it’s a difficult thing to tackle without guidance

Yes maybe we all feel this way. Sometimes I wonder how am I a mother! Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch.

Regarding our outgoings, he just always says we have a lot each month and what he can and can't afford. I don't really know what goes in and out as I never see any statements. I have no idea about savings or if he has any savings. He says he does, but its 'his' savings and not mine. I took a couple of years out of work but was getting fed up of having no money! It seems i may have to give up work again however because of childcare. I don't have a career really just a minimum paying part time job. We moved about a year ago. He said I would be on the mortgage but apparently I'm not as I have seen the statements. My H said it was because I would never be able to get a mortgage because of my low income. This is how I feel childish because people ask me questions about the mortgage and bills and I have no idea. That's why he is responsible for all the big decisions.

@Happyinarcon I don't think they kept me in a child-like state on purpose. They weren't overprotective they just weren't bothered if that makes sense. How do you mean I'm replicating it sorry?

It sounds like you were neglected and are now living with a dad like figure. He's a lot older than you and sounds authoritarian, it also sounds as though you have learned helplessness.

You're married and legally everything financial is shared. You have a right to access to money and an equal status regarding decisions. Stop treating him like your dad.

Refusing to give you access to money and making all the decisions is financially abusive. I'm assuming he's controlling in other ways. I would have a chat with Women's Aid about your options.

@cupcaske123 You are probably right although it's embarrassing to admit it that I have learned helplessness, even though I paid my own way before meeting him. And for whatever reason my growth has been stunted which makes me feel a failure. I don't treat him like my father, I don't expect him to wait on me hand and foot. I actually do a lot for him, all his washing and ironing cook the majority of his food.

He's not controlling no, overall he makes me happy and there are no red flags aside from him not respecting sexual boundaries which I have posted about in the past. But this isn't a regular occurance anymore largely because we dont sleep in the same room as i co-sleep and breastfeed. I do not feel I'm his equal in the relationship but I'm sure it's because I haven't grown into a proper adult if that makes sense.

Yeah, if you're married you need to be the joint owner of the house. Whatever else you do, insist on getting that sorted.

What do you mean about not working because of childcare?

Is there anything you are interested in that you'd like to work as?

Your husband is an arsehole. Do go to women's aid.

I read your title prepared to tell you that you probably just feel down on yourself and it’s not uncommon to feel this way at times, but no. I think you’re awakening to the fact that things very clearly aren’t right here, OP.

Yes, it sounds as if you did suffer some neglectful areas as a child, which is one thing, and likely why you succumbed to a relationship with a much older, controlling man. The fact that he went after a vulnerable woman 20yrs his junior and submissive to him at work and is now ensuring she remains submissive to him in life – not OK.

Because yes, he absolutely is controlling – house, money, household decisions. Any partner who does not allow and wholeheartedly encourage you to flourish in life is a very problematic and likely abusive person. He definitely sounds financially abusive at the very least. And I wouldn’t expect you to truly see this at this point as you are only just beginning to think about this fog that is hindering you.

there are no red flags aside from him not respecting sexual boundaries

What on earth is this? This is never OK, ever. And please stick around to get some advice.

I wasn't aware dads waited on you hand and foot! Mine certainly didn't.

I mean in the sense that a dad is an authority figure stereotypically laying down the law and making decisions. You have surrendered your autonomy to a man much older than you who is treating you like a child.

I haven't read your other threads but it sounds as though he was sexually abusive as well. I'm telling you that's he's abusive. He's controlling and the only reason the abuse hasn't escalated is because you're very compliant.

He doesn't have a right to withhold money, make unilateral decisions about major work or keep you in the dark about finances.

You need to snap out of this OP and start taking control over your own life.

You again.

Until you acknowledge the fact that you’re married to a predatory and abusive rapist, you’ll never overcome your issues or feel worthwhile.

I mean it is difficult for me to work around my husband's shifts so would end up paying more in childcare than I would earn.

You mature by getting life experience. If you're locked out of decisions and finances, you don't ever get the experience do you?

You can make a change by involving yourself in these matters.

If he says "you're no good at this, there's no point" then you have a husband problem.

If he says "great! Let's sit down and I'll talk you through it all and we can decide what do about xyz" then green flags galore.

You have to wise up and that is on you.

That's not what's happening here or what my post is about.

Are you on the deeds of the house, OP? Please talk to your DH about being on the deeds. That’s really crucial in terms of you having equal rights to the house.

Also, please talk to him about all the aspects of running the house that he deals with. It’s so important that you know how these work. It’ll do wonders for your self-confidence, as with each thing you learn, you’ll know more and feel more comfortable. Also, it’s just really important to know these things anyway, so you can deal with them if your DH is ever away or if anything ever changes which leaves you in a position where you have to learn these things. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, because it won’t, but it is really important. It’ll give your relationship more equality too. Good luck 🌺🌺

If you talk to your DH about any of the above, and he seems to dismiss your concerns, I would suggest that could be an indication of financial abuse. If he dismisses you, try and stay firm and calm and explain why it’s important for you to know and learn these things.

It sounds as if you are not really in a partnership, your husband has taken up the role of parent. He makes all the decisions based on knowledge that only he had access to. Insist on being a party to finances, childcare is a joint expense, he needs to contribute too.

@Tulip2478 if you want to move your thread use the Report button at the bottom of your OP and ask MNHQ to move it for you. I actually suggested this though because your OP was about to disappear from Active Posts with no replies, and because AIBU can be quite nasty at times.
I've looked at your previous threads and the problem is not you OP, it's your abusive husband - please get help to escape him. I'm no expert but I've just googled "help abusive husband" and lots of helpful stuff came up, so why not try doing that.

How about attempting to speak to this woman with an ounce of decency? Christ, what a horrible way to talk to someone in the thick of an abusive relationship.

I also think it would be helpful for you to look into having counselling. Please look into counselling options if you feel able to - the BACP website is a good place to start: www.bacp.co.uk

I'm really sorry I don't know what being on the deeds means! I know, how stupid! I will ask him. And all your other advice is very good too, maybe I do need to sit down with him. Like you said its good to know these things. It's just hard sometimes asking for fear of embarrassment! I will ask him later.

You're right I have to be pro-active. As another poster has said, I have let myself get helpless and that's on me. I shall ask H when he is free to help me with it all.

You’ve not been put on the deeds.

You have no idea how much money you have as a family.

He says his savings are his, not the families.

He tells you how much money you can spend a month.

He's lied to you about your finances.

He doesn’t help look at childcare as a family problem.

He doesn’t respect your physical boundaries to the point you sleep in another room and use your children as protection.

None of this is normal. None of this is how a healthy family and partnership dynamic is.

He is physically and financially abusing you, and I bet he’s also one of the people telling you your too “stupid and immature” to understand.

Childcare is a family/household expense NOT the mothers personal one.

plus if he earns say 50% more than you then he should be paying 50% more towards the home/bills.