To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

I understand your point, however you can take control over your own life.

It's not overly difficult to learn these skills. There are certainly things in life I have no idea about, but google is my friend!

He’s not too clever himself, OP. Not having you on deed or mortgage does not erase you from rights to the house or the money in it. If he thinks it does, then he’s rather dumb.

I do think he is slightly paranoid. He lost everything after his divorce to his first wife and think maybe it stems from there as to why he is very controlling with money. Do you think its a good idea if I ask about all the other finances and have him write them down for me? I will also open a savings account.

Absolutely - it’s a very good idea.

Not only does it make sense but you have the right to know. I’m sorry that he lost everything after his divorce but that is not your problem.

He needs to work on his feelings with money, either by seeking counselling or some other support, so as not to be controlling around your finances as a couple. He has no right to behave in a controlling way with you because of his feelings from his divorce.

Martin Lewis is a good starting point if you want to learn about finances: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com. He explains lots of financial things in a clear and straightforward way.

Please update yourself on the full situation. This man has repeatedly raped the OP. He does not need counselling or help working through his feelings. OP needs help and support in gaining independence from him.

I have read the full thread and am fully aware of the whole situation. I am responding only to the point that OP made about him being controlling after his divorce. Thank you.

Given his suspicions were clearly alerted with the deeds question and that he lied to you about what the house deeds are, no I would not engage with him any further about finances. He will either tighten his grip on you or continue to lie, and probably both.

I would rather what financial information you can without him knowing. Do you know if the mortgage statements are paperless or not? Do you know what bank the mortgage is with?

Definitely open a savings account and begin to build a fund for yourself. Keep everything paperless, online only, and do not let him know about it.

As other posters have already suggested, I would also contact Women’s Aid - and other groups that support women in abusive relationships - and ask them their advice. Good luck

So you think an abusive rapist just needs to work through his feelings in counselling?

And you also think it’s a good idea for a vulnerable woman to question her abusive rapist about the finances he is controlling her with?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

They have chat and email functions as well as telephone.

I haven’t written anywhere that counselling will just sort out the OP’s husband and that that’s all he needs to do. In my post above, I said that the OP’s husband might find counselling helpful to ‘process his feelings with money … so as not to be controlling around your finances as a couple’. That is an exact quote from my post above.

I made no link anywhere between OP’s husband raping her and suggesting he gets counselling. I mentioned counselling as a way of helping OP’s husband deal with his feeling around money, because he is letting his feelings about it affect her.

I also haven’t suggested that the OP should question her husband about his finances.

Yes I think he was a bit suspicious as he looked sheepish and made the same face he always does when he doesn't like something. He's never directly angry or confrontational, that's not his style. His comment about me planning something may also be out of suspicion I'm not sure. I know he has said in the past that if I leave i won't get the house (I think I mentioned this on the other thread). He then asked what I was doing on my phone which is why I couldn't post on here straight away. He also kept pulling my dress up repeatedly and I keep putting it down. Just does it tucks it into my pants and walks away. Then I pull it down and he does it again and again. I know I sound silly maybe to complain but I just find it a bit childish and annoying.

OP asked ‘Do you think its a good idea if I ask about all the other finances’ and you replied ‘Absolutely – it’s a very good idea’

Her husband is not controlling because he got rinsed in a divorce, he’s controlling because he’s an abusive man who uses money, criticism, sex and power to dominate her.

Why is he tucking your dress into your pants?? That’s so weird. Especially when he can see you don’t like it because you are pulling it back down. What the hell?? He’s uncomfortable and he’s reacting to that by humiliating you.

And why wouldn’t you get the house if you divorced? I’m so disgusted and shocked for you. Luckily a court will probably see it differently to him.

He thinks you are his inferior. This isn't about him desiring you - he wouldn't keep his money from you and lie to you about legal documents if it was that. To him, you are an accessory to his life, an inferior, and that's why he can "joke" about not needing consent. You aren't a person to him, you are something he finds useful, and he doesn't even want to pay for what he takes from you.

He's a bully so he's tucking your dress in your pants to humiliate you.

Legally the house is a marital asset as are his savings, investments and pension. He can't stop you getting a share of the house but he can sell or remortgage without your consent as you're not on the deeds so I suggest you register your interest as advised.

Apologies - I completely forgot I mentioned that. I thought it would be a good idea for OP to ask her husband about their finances. I still think it’s a good idea as I do think she has a right to ask him though. I realise that she’ll likely be putting herself in a dangerous and difficult situation by doing so. Of course, the OP’s priority is to be safe, so with this in mind, I understand it’s not a good idea for her to ask her husband.

Her husband is controlling because of the divorce, yes. And because of other things we don’t know about. He shows that control by, as you say, using money, criticism, sex and power to dominate the OP.

I know he has said in the past that if I leave i won't get the house

You are married, have been living at the house and paying the mortgage. You are also bringing up three children. You would, without doubt, have rights to the house. In law, it is called a ‘beneficial interest’ because the intention has been for you to share the property.

He also kept pulling my dress up repeatedly and I keep putting it down. Just does it tucks it into my pants and walks away. Then I pull it down and he does it again and again.

This is juvenile behaviour for him to dominate you and press at your boundaries. He is showing you that he can do what he likes to you.

Seems you met him at a vulnerable age and he has taken advantage! He knew you was vulnerable, If you’re not on the deeds or even on mortgage (even though you pay half on a part time job) this “relationship “ doesn’t benefit you it benefits him! You are his toy, his play thing, he has no respect for you. It’s time to start putting a plan together and getting the hell outta there while you still have your self respect and dignity

You aren't silly to complain and I think it's not unusual to feel that you are not grown up. I know I don't and none of my friends do, even my 60 year old friend with grown up children feels the same.

I happily left all the mortgage stuff to my ex.. he liked to handle the money and always made out how stressful complicated it was. We split around 2 years ago and I was stressed about taking it all over because I didn't know anything about it but actually it's all very straightforward and honestly nothing to get worried about.

I think I'd be going to see a lawyer to have them explain it. I'd recommend a female one. Mine was fantastic and so good at explaining everything in very simple terms plus you are paying them by the hour so they don't mind you asking stupid questions or looking for further explanation.

As for the sexual boundaries...I haven't read your other threads. But it sounds as though there are quite a few boundaries in your marriage which aren't well defined and maybe this could be addressed by counselling although obviously if there is any abuse this wouldn't be appropriate. Maybe counselling for you to help you get your head around it all and find ways to assert yourself and not apologise for wanting to in the first place.

It's funny how everyone keeps telling you how lucky you are... Wonder if everyone tells him how lucky he is... I'm always a bit 🤨 with all of that from mums... It's usually loaded with misogyny.

Hi OP, I’m 51 now and was very much like you. My parents were emotionally neglectful, and my mum was (and still is) very controlling and overbearing but very stupid and childlike (since realised she’s a concert narcissist) and the advice I did receive was terrible. I was pushed into the wrong career, so I dropped out and ended up doing various courses, not knowing what I wanted to do.

Then I ended up with a husband who did everything although he wasn’t financially abusive like yours clearly is. We had a joint account and equal amounts of pocket money was paid into our personal accounts. I took over the banking in the end because he was terrible with money and we had a lot of fees. I realise you probably can’t do that but I would make a list of all the things that go into the running of a home. Find out which companies you’re with for the mortgage, gas and electric etc and how much the direct debits are. Even if he’s reluctant to let you be involved, find out how to do these things so that you know that if/when you leave, you’re confident in your abilities. It’s really very easy!!

When I first left my husband I couldn’t even put petrol in the car! I was 36 and my dad had to go with me. Since then, I’ve moved house about ten times, bought two investment properties and completed a degree. I remember my husband saying that he knew I’d leave once I started doing all this stuff and being less dependent on him. Turned out that he was a narcissist too (a mid range one according to Dr Ramani on YouTube). If our parents don’t treat us very well and don’t give us adequate support, we think that’s normal and we don’t understand that we’re being abused.

To be honest, I still feel like a child a lot of the time when I’m with my family. Could you be autistic op? I’m only asking because I am, and we tend to take a lot longer to mature. We also tend to be naive and think everyone’s telling the truth because we don’t usually lie.

Re. The pulling up dress. It's something he does daily and has always done. He often pulls my knickers or clothes down especially when I'm washing up for example and my hands aren't free. Or he will unbutton my trousers puts his hand in between even when I'm embarrassed or busy. Tbh I kinda thought this was normal behaviour for a married couple. If I say anything like I did tonight he will joke it off and usually say I'm his object or that's his property (meaning my lady part) but he always does it in a jokey way like he's playing a part. I don't know what to think sometimes. I'm not sure if its done to humiliate me I haven't thought about it like that.

This makes me feel physically ill. Do your children see this?

Well he must see that you aren't enjoying it and that it makes you feel uncomfortable at the very least. So why does he continue?

Would you continually do this to him if you knew he didn't like it?

OP this is simply sexual harassment and bullying. You don't have to put up with anything you don't like and no woman wants to be treated like this. It's not normal.