To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

@whichwayisup I don't know why. Like I said its something he has always done after we were married. No I wouldn't do that.

This is not normal.

Christ op I’ve just read all your posts. I think you know you’re being abused but if you admit it to yourself then you know you’re going to have a really difficult few years. And it doesn’t help that you know your mum won’t be supportive.

Well I’m afraid it will be difficult but you’ll get to a point where you know that staying will be more difficult. And when you do leave, go to a solicitor. I didn’t and now I have no pension.

I suggest you watch every single Dr Ramani video and go from there.

No, that is not normal and re your post from 17.07 he absolutely knows that you need to consent to sexual activity, there’s no way it hasn’t crossed his mind - it’s just he’s manipulated you enough that you’re not questioning his awful behaviour.

Also about your old posts - you can see them if you go to advanced search and search for your username.

And he "jokes" about not needing consent...

He's not joking. This is truly how he thinks of you. And he doesn't even see you as a possession worth investing any money in. Sex workers at least get money.

Plus he thinks you are too stupid to Google basic facts about home ownership.

He has utter contempt for you.

I wasn't sure if it this was normal for a man who was attracted to his wife. I know that sounds stupid but I genuinely thought everybody did it. I do find it annoying yes it's uncomfortable at times. Especially when in front of windows but he always says noone will see. It's just his way, i wouldnt say it was malicious, he wouldn't give me a loving hug for example instead he would try to do something sexual.

I feel so sad for you that you think this is what love is. I'm so sorry. You deserve more than this.

Sorry honey u sound lovely and definaty not immature or babyish. But your hubby I think is defo keeping u away from finances and it does come under financial abuse. I think u must start your own looking about, finding bills contracts the mortgage etc. you need to know exactly where you are at and what you have before I bring this up so he can't make up lies to you or fob you off. Just in case. I would defo be speaking to someone like citizens advice etc to see what you are legally entitled to.

No, it’s not normal and it shows he just views you as a sex object. Think about on tv/in films for example- have you seen that kind of behaviour in romances/rom coms? I haven’t, and they are trying to show an exaggerated version of attraction!

Mostly no he doesn't do it in front of them, but maybe they do sometimes.

Jfc, OP.

But men who see their wives as inferior accessories not worth risking money for rarely think much better of their kids.

Please stop calling yourself stupid. You are not stupid. You are a valuable and worthwhile person and not this man’s plaything.

Well I'm 33 and can't even drive so you were doing better than me! About the autism. I never thought I was. My dad is my sister is and two of my nephews are. Iv always been good at reading people and social cues so thought I definitely didn't. My husband has said a few times I'm 'so autistic or ADHD' but I'm not sure if it was meant to undermine me (no offense intended, I don't see people with autism as inferior I meant him).

That’s very cruel of your husband to say you’re ’so autistic’ or ‘so ADHD’, as I imagine he’s saying that to put you down. You’re absolutely right to say it should never be used as an insult but it sounds from what you’ve written like he is using it like that here. I’m so sorry, OP.

The likelihood is that your husband will die before you. His name on the mortgage. You will have no idea how to run your finances or do any admin. My mother was in this position as my father did everything and she hadn’t worked for some time when he died.
You have a right to know about his savings, be on the mortgage and know what he earns. Insist upon it and start educating yourself. Tell him you want to be an equal partner from now on and don’t take no for an answer. Can you retrain to get a better career? This would give you more of a sense of being an equal partner with equal rights, your own money and identity.

I’ve just read the sexually abusive stuff. This man is utterly vile . He’s abusive, manipulative and holds you in contempt. Please see him for what he is.

I honestly don't know what I would do. My children are young so I can't retrain in anything yet because of childcare. Mu husband has said tonight that many of our shifts for the next couple of months are clashing and I think I will have to leave my part time work. He says I don't need to work and there's no point if I have to pay childcare fees with my money which I do understand. I can't be an equal partner in that regard. l can't be on the mortgage, my H said the bank won't allow it because I don't earn enough.

He says I don't need to work and there's no point if I have to pay childcare fees with my money which I do understand.

Childcare fees should be a joint household expense; the kids are his too. Forcing them to be a woman's sole responsibility to punish her for earning is abusive.

Please please don’t leave your job. Please try and do everything you can to keep it. Once you leave your job, it will allow him to control you fully. Please don’t leave it.

Your husband is lying to you and manipulating you.
Hes also trying to get you to give up work so you don’t even have that bit of independence. If I were you, I would book an appointment with a solicitor and get some advice about how to proceed. You need to divorce him.

He’s lying to you. Your income being low doesn’t matter if his is enough to get the mortgage. For example if he earns £50k and you earn £10k and the income needed for the mortgage is £50k why would they not allow you to be on the mortgage jointly when between you you earn more than enough? It’s your husband’s responsibility to arrange and pay for childcare just as much as yours. If you want to work, then work (and I recommend it - it will make it easier to leave).

A mortgage and the deeds are two different things.

A mortgage is the money the bank lends someone to buy a house. Some people will just have all the money needed outright and so don’t need a mortgage, but most people borrow from the bank.

The deeds are a document that says who owns the house. So if someone had all cash and didn’t need a mortgage, they still get the deeds. If a couple decide one person pays 75% of the mortgage and the other 25% if the mortgage, they can still both own the house together on the deeds.

Your husband could have asked the bank for the mortgage solely in his name and based on his salary, but you can still both go on the deeds and own the house. That’s what most couples with one earning partner and one non-earning partner do. All the stay at home parents I know are also on the deeds and jointly own the house, even if they aren’t contributing financially to the mortgage.

The answer your husband gave you is very waffly and doesn’t answer your question.

DO NOT leave your job. Kindly, I want to shout this at you.

He says I don't need to work and there's no point if I have to pay childcare fees – Manipulative lie. Childcare fees come out of the joint family pot, not just your pot.

l can't be on the mortgage, my H said the bank won't allow it because I don't earn enough – manipulative lie. Any money you earn goes towards what a bank allows you to borrow (eg 3x your joint income). It would only harm the mortgage if you had large debts or a poor credit rating. The bank 100% would allow you on the mortgage.

He is lying to you.

@Acapulco12 The trouble is we both work shifts and they aren't set, so often our shifts clash where we both do 12 hour days. Iv already spoken to my manager and she has done what she can but it's still difficult. And my husband said to me tonight when I asked if he'd put his shifts on the calender and asked if any of them crashed he said 'a lot' and looked angry and unhappy. I also know he won't do anything about it. I have a feeling in guna have to leave.

He is trying to manipulate you into giving up work. Truly ask yourself why he would do this.