To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

@Elsvieta yes I love him very much. His mother said I am lucky because my H helps out around the house which her husband never did. My mum says I'm lucky because my H does nice things like take me away which my dad never did.

I feel like that myself! I'm terrible at making decisions, taking criticism, taking in information, learning new things etc. I'm impatient and emotionally unstable sometimes. I cry really really easily. I get very overwhelmed in unfamiliar places and can't go anywhere alone that's not the local shop. But, somehow I survive.
I think with me it was that I've kind of got arrested development from when my dad died when I just turned 13. I didn't have any therapy or anything so didn't grieve properly.
I think you'd be surprised to find a lot of people feel they aren't very good at 'adulting'.
Why not set a challenge to do something or learn one new thing each day.
Even just doing some online research about a random subject.
Nobody can stop you learning new things if you want to.

Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way!

What you mean he was doing things to you in your sleep ? Wtf

Then those are two women speaking out of their own experience of unequal or abusive relationships, and their views as to whether you are 'lucky' or not can be discounted. Both my MIL and my mother think DH is a star because he does the cooking and grocery shopping and looks after his own child. I think he's just doing his equal share of the parenting. He doesn't 'help out around the house' because the house is not my job. He does an equal share of whatever gruntwork we don't outsource. Housework and childcare are not more my job than his because I have a vagina.

And no amount of housework or taking you on holiday makes up for financial or sexual abuse. And let's be clear on this. If he thinks what's he's doing to you is fine, why not ask for your consent? Why not ensure you're conscious and up for sex?

And that's why he doesn't think he's being abusive, because he does a couple of things differently.

Do you think any rapist thinks he's in the wrong? Would he actually be horrified to realise what he's done or would he say that people don't know what they're talking about and he knows he's right?

OK. So I'm doing the ironing and decided to ask about the deeds on the house. I tried to make it casual and say what does it mean by the deeds on a house. He replied it means like a payment to someone or something. So I asked what does 'being on the deeds mean?' And be again said where you owe money like a contract. So I said 'so a contract between you and the bank for example' he said yes. I then asked if I was on the deeds and he said no but looked a little uneasy and pursed his lips. He then jokingly said sorry, why what are you planning? I just casually brushed it off and said it was just something on a Facebook advert for life insurance. So I am not on teh deeds it seems but wouldn't have found out without the advice here so thanks to everybody.

He's not telling you the truth. The deeds are a document stating who owns the property and who has in the past; it's the history of ownership of the property.

He is not a good man OP, he is lying as well as being controlling and both financially and physically abusive. You've had loads of good advice on here, now please speak to Women's Aid for further advice and support.

He's lying. That is not what the deeds to a property are. He seems remarkably confused about a lot of things, like property ownership and consent.

The way he’s talked to you about the deeds makes it sound as if the deeds are like a mortgage. They’re not. As PP have mentioned, the deeds are proof of your ownership of a property.

Of course he’s on the house deeds, because he bought the house - and he has to be on the deeds if he bought it. I’m really sorry and disappointed that he’s lying to you about the deeds. He should not be behaving this way.

How do you feel about the information he has given you, OP?

He’s lying.

The deeds are almost like a receipt. They prove who owns the house.

Separately, a mortgage is the contract you have with the bank agreeing the details of the loan they give you to buy a property. If you’re named on the mortgage (eg, of the bank has lent both you and your husband money), they’ll insist on your being on the deeds.

As you’re married, however, it’s likely that the house would be seen as a marital asset, regardless of the deeds.

Does he have older children? Was the house bought after you met, or did he own it beforehand?

Sorry he is hovering around. I will reply when I can.

Why did you feel the need to brush off his question? Why not just be honest and say 'Look, I feel like a bloody child; I've got no idea how the finances work in my own house. Can you write it all down for me?'

What would happen if you did that? What do you imagine he'd say?

Why don't you want him to see?

Yes OP, as others have said, he is lying to you about what deeds are and seems very confident that you couldn't Google it...but also very paranoid about why you want to know.

This is sinister, OP.

Probably because this thread has brought up her rape by him multiple times.

Oh I see so the deeds is an actual document. Sorry again for being dumb! I did think it strange how he said it was his contract with the bank when that's not what people said on here. Either way he did say I wasn't on the deeds which is most likely true. I will have a look tomorrow while he's at work.

What question sorry?

So is it possible to be on the deeds without being on the mortgage?

Gosh you were 24, neglected/abused as a child - and your husband a big 41 year old adult. Sorry OP, but he saw you coming. I don't think he wanted a wife who would make adult decisions with him. He's infantilising you, and likely financially abusing you as well. I'm sorry.

OP, you need to educate yourself. Start by doing a web search for “how does a mortgage work” and “how do property deeds work”. You can move on to reading up on how to budget for household expenses, how insurance works etc. I’m not in the UK but maybe someone on here can recommend a good basic website.

Then go open a savings account somewhere and make sure you put some emergency money in it each month. Make this a priority and don’t tell him about the account. Your learned helplessness is going to mean that you don’t know how to protect your children if things go wrong. You need to step up now for their sake. Don’t worry that you know nothing- we all had to learn this stuff and many of us did not have parents who were interested in teaching it to us. We just taught ourselves. You can too.

It’s possible for someone to be on the deeds but not the mortgage, but most mortgage lenders wouldn’t allow it.

If you divorce, the house will go into the pot to be divided regardless. The law is on your side.

No he doesn't have any other children. No. He another mortgage when we met but this is a new one. We moved over a year ago when I just found out I was pregnant with third child. I did keep asking if I was on the mortgage and for him to explain because I'm clueless