Going back to husband - social services

[Frozenyoggy]

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

So you think all doctors strangle their partners because their job is stressful? I work with firefighters and know their families and I can honestly say I've never heard of their partners coming home and strangling or beating them because they've witnessed something horrible at work.

Tell the leader of your freedom programme what you are considering.

A book will not tell you why someone is abusive or prevent any future abuse. There is no excuse for what he has done. Stop making excuses for him.

If I walked up to your kid pushed him over, laughed at him and then said "yea well I'm going go get anger management help. I had a crap childhood" would that make it OK? Would you then invite me into your home to hang out with your kid? Hell no!

Because my husband is a good man who saves live every single day and snapped under immense pressure after coping with one of the most stressful jobs anyone could ever have. Considering I rang the police, I hardly accepted the behaviour. But I did accept the excellent support that SS gave us, which didn't just claim destroying my family was better for my children. Also considering this was three years ago, I think it's pretty safe to say the therapy they gave us was very worthwhile. It's not about defending DV, it's about showing how engaging with SS and the really useful support and help they offer is worthwhile.. they don't want to break up families, they want to keep them together. I imagine with most DV reports this isn't the best course of action. I'm simply saying that I don't think it's correct to say the root of DV is always the same... my DH and I had been together since we were 15 and 16... not a single domestic incident until we were early 30s... the trigger was clearly not him enjoying preying on my vulnerability was it? We had a couple of years of stress with work and children and a big relocation, which manifested in us taking it out on each other. After SS involvement we are back to how we were in the previous pretty harmonious 15 years. Not everything can be reduced in such a black and white manner.

I don't want to live where you live.
Where your husband (a pillar of the community) and you 'got support from SS' after he put his hands around your throat - in a manner that made you call the police, instead of insisting that the child comes out of the situation - with you or without you.
I don't want to live where SS think it's OK for the abuser to have therapy with the abused.
So you are saying stress is his trigger? As an A and E doctor, he will probably have other patients die on him. You will have more stress, chuck some teenage hormones into the mix, and see how stressy it gets.

Ask at any refuge. Professionals also abuse. 'good men' , pillars of the community abuse.
You write as if it's all over now, back to where you were. 3 years passed? That's nothing.

I do a similar job and have never ever hit anybody. You're making excuses.

Not even a harmless bit of strangulation?

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up and are ticking things like the Freedom programme off your to do list. It should be the reverse. He does all the therapy, you have therapy then make the decision. As others have said anger management is not a cure for him, just attending a course will not change him.
It would be a good idea to contact SS, get a contact SW details as you’ll probably need their help in the future.

Your comments are both irresponsible and dangerous.

Your children will have been aware of what happened. If you think an argument that let to strangling went unnoticed by the children, you are absolutely deluded. So what you have taught them is that it’s ok to treat women like that way when “stressed” (if you have sons), and that it’s ok to be treated like that (if you have daughters).

The ONLY acceptable course of action after someone puts their hands round your throat is to leave. You can tell yourself any lie you like or make any excuse you like, that behaviour is unacceptable and unforgivable.

You said he’d pushed you a few times and then he strangled you. How can you not see the escalation there? How can you not see the danger?

News: doctors can be violent abusive wife murderers too.

That you said you could be violent too, and yet seem to see social services’ blind eye-turning to you both, and how you’re still together for your children, as something to be proud of is an astonishing failure on your part.

Fucking hell. Your poor, poor children. You’ve both failed them.

@Flamencosheep
Was there ever a referral through the LADO department to your husband's employers - given the nature of his employment ? It's something that would normally happen if someone has a role in a school or hospital and there is social services involvement due to an act of violence .

Abuse in front of a child is abuse. A child growing up in an abusive household is also more likely to experience direct abuse. So yes you do need to tell social services as you are choosing to expose your child to a greater risk of being harmed.

Apologies for being so blunt but I am trying to state the facts.

I recently left an abusive relationship too and have a young child. It is very very hard. The abuse means we are brainwashed and start thinking the following:

Maybe he will change?
Maybe it was my fault?
My child will be better off with two parents
Will I be alone forever?
Maybe the abuse wasn't so bad etc.

Ignore all this. It was bad, he won't change. It was his fault. Your child is better off without being exposed to abuse.

Protect yourself and your child. Notify the police of your intention to end the relationship (again). Then tell him you don't want to live with him. He will become aggressive again.

Read up on cycles of abuse. Do the freedom programme. See a therapist if you can (I grew up believing tiptoeing around others because I was afraid of their anger is normal - it isn't).

I hope you and your child have a safe and happy future free from abuse.

Don’t go back, please don’t. Bad for you, far worse for your child. Think of them if not yourself.

You’ll be back on here in a few months saying he did it again! Think of your poor child.

@Flamencosheep I’m sorry your husband strangled you. It must have been very frightening.

However, agree with PP it’s bad form coming on here to defend men who do these things.

Just because yours is a medic doesn’t make it any less abusive and dangerous. A paramedic recently killed his gf.

Your own posts show he was escalating before this incident.

He’s intelligent and has gone through all the SS advice/therapy to save his own skin and career. You have put the blame on yourself saying he’s an important and stressed man and you were a ‘wife pushing a point’. Just like many women do when they are victims of DV.

Doesn't matter what you were saying, how stressed he was, or how important he is. Bet he doesn’t strangle people at work who ‘push a point’ with him. Bet he has other important colleagues who don’t strangle their spouses.

Also willing to bet that you now tip toe around him more. Tread on eggshells when he’s had a bad shift. Stopped ‘pushing points’. Your children will of course see all of this.

Sigh. Hope you can see it one day.

Thank you for saying this for anyone reading with an abusive partner who may think (whether consciously or subconsciously) that what happened to them was a one off or somehow not quite the same if their children otherwise come from a “good home” eg one with professional parents. Not saying this applies to just the PP but I have encountered this thinking in real life.

Well that is not experience, one time DV incident, with the parent responding appropriately, doesn’t and should not mean a heavy handed response from SS. I get what at @Flamencosheep is saying, the role of SS is not to separate families but to provide support and intervention to keep families together if at all possible. It sounds like the service her family got was appropriate for their circumstances, no one here knows the full details.

My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.

He hasn't done it yet and you don't even know the outcome of it.
It's not like you can just go to something like that and you're guaranteed to be fixed. There might be no change, He might even get worse. Some people (men in particular) feel very entitled after therapy because it's so focused on them and all their big angry and sad feelings and what they need to make them happy and they don't focus too much on how they make other people feel.

From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

Yes probably.
There's a real risk if you go back to him.
And you're less likely to tell a friend the next time because you won't want it reported again so they will expect you to be more secretive.

Flamenco Sheep,
When he hits you again, no one on Mumsnet is going to 'revel in it'.
They will simply repeat the same advice.

It really is this simple

All domestic abuse starts with one incident. Does it end there?

Facts are

He was abusive
Your child was a victim via being present
Social closed the case because you left him
He's now back
He hasn't engaged in rehabilitation
You are on the fence about telling the social (why? If you think it's ok why not tell them?)

The social can and will investigate if they think the child is not being appropriately safeguarded

And the child clearly isn't if the husband hasn't engaged in support or made any changes

So the person on the receiving end of the violence has done some reading, enrolled on a course and is already part way through it.

In that same time frame the person who was actually responsible for the violence has done what? Talked about maybe doing something but hasn't actually started any of it yet.

And you're thinking about moving back in "the near future"?

If everything is as good and safe and positive as you believe OP, then what possible reason could you have not to tell SS?

He's going to say he hasn't had time, he's really sorry and he doesn't really need to do it but he will if you want him to so you say no don't bother then the cycle continues again.

Do not go back.

@Frozenyoggy it is absolute madness to go back to him.
He's hit you once , I can guarantee , from personal experience, he WILL do it again.

He hadn’t hit me x

So you've taken him back though. Because he hasn't "hit" you?!

You will end up a statistic.

Guess what. He hasn't.

Wake up.