Going back to husband - social services

[Frozenyoggy]

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

This⬆️

They probably only closed the case because you did the right thing and you moved away. You must inform them so they can assess what level of protection your DC may need.

But in all seriousness what on earth are you doing- you are willing to risk your child being put on a CP/CiN plan just so you can be with a violent, manipulative, twat!! Is that really your plan -because the hard truth is he won’t of changed, he will start counselling and not finish it (because he is better now!) and ultimately he will still be violent and abusive!!

You need to think about the impact of this on your DC and you - and never go back - you have escaped keep it that way.

Get yourself some support and learn to be free xx

sorry but your being stupid.

id at least be saying he needed to do all those things whilst apart i mean jeesus!!! he is an abuser ! How dare you put your marriage before your kid

Madness if you do go back to him.

Yes you need to tell them.

yes you are at risk of losing your child(ren).

yes you are making a massive mistake.

Poor kid. I really hope they have massive intervention in your life if you make this choice. You don't need to live with each other at all

Sadly I see this every single day at work.

Best case scenario - social tell you to protect your child and leave the husband, he engages with therapy and rehabilitation then slow introduction back.

Worst case scenario - child protection. If you don't comply with the child protection plan, legal action to remove the child and protect them.

Sorry but those are the facts.

The only advice you will get here is don’t do this.

Did you think your life would be like this? Abusive partner, SS, child in need plans, DC living in a house with a man who needs anger management.

Your DC will not thank you for the years they will spend in an unhappy household. You risk not only yours and their safety, but emotional damage that can never be undone.

He was violent towards you in front of your toddler to the extent it was reportable to social services, and you want to go back? Look at your toddler. Imagine them in 20 years time saying they want to go back to someone who did that to them. Would you want them to? Or would you be horrified at them being so unbelievably stupid?

Op, please, don’t go back. You’ve done the hardest part (leaving) that so many never can do through coercion or fear: for their children or even their life. Unfortunately this can all too often result in them losing their life by staying. Sorry if it sounds like I’m scaremongering but I’m not sure you’re going to listen to all this advice to remain separated from him.

I work with young people and the amount of times I have seen young women and men settling for abusive relationships because it was what they saw at home is so depressing. If you don’t do it for you, please do it for your child. We often think we’ll protect them and won’t expose them to anything like this but they are more perceptive than we’ll ever know.

Please seek advice here about how to remain separated from him and next steps perhaps if you are tempted to go back.

Are you that desperate for a man you would go back to a woman beating thug. Who not only beat you but did it in front of your toddler son!

You will go back, because you have decided that you are going back.

I can guarantee that if he even starts his therapy and courses he will cease, because they are ' rubbish', or he's 'got it now'.
'Things to work on' will be you walking on eggshells, not 'winding him up', not asking him to be a good partner.
What living conditions are you leaving to go back?
Will they still be available to you next time, because there will be a next time.

It's so disheartening. Do you know that you are chucking your child under the bus in order to be with this apology for a man?

I was the toddler in this situation - and went on to be his punchbag as well (You dh will eventually lose his temper with your child too)

The outcome (I am one of the fortunate ones, my mother and I survived and lived to type to you today - you and your son might not be so lucky)

So what happened when my mother decided it was okay to stay with a man just like your dh?

I too was then violently assaulted from toddlerhood, he moved on from my mother to his children
I tried to kill myself age 10 and again at 17 (the latter almost worked)
I developed an eat disorder (Anorexia)
I was bullied severely at school due to low self esteem and no one supported me, not once
I lived on my nerves as it would blow up out of nowhere - I am have since developed auto immune diseases of which has had significant impact
My mother made me lie to the school and SS and I was constantly afraid of being 'taken away' (now I wish they had)
I nearly died due to risk taking in my teens on more than one occasion
I could not tell when I was in danger (I was always in danger at home) so developed an incapacity to see when I could come to harm
My first relationship, my boyfriend nearly killed me, and assaulted me for over a year
I spent years in hospital due to neglect and injuries
I have never truly recovered and now no longer speak to my parents.

Is this what you want for your son?

You are signing up for the worst possible childhood for your little toddler that will have consequences that you can't even imagine. Please don't do this to him.

As a previous poster has said, anger management and domestic abuse are different. A lot of domestic abusers can be quite charming to the outside world, they can manage their anger in front of other people.
Would your husband have been ‘physical’ with their boss, their doctor, their mate, or is it just with you, who he is supposed to love and protect?

My earliest memory is my father attacking my mother.

please don’t do this.

They always apologize. It doesn’t stop the next assault.

My friend did this and they took her son away .. took her a year and a court case to get him back !

Jesus.

Do better.

Your child is more important than your sex life, OP.

Get some therapy to learn why you are so desperate to keep this loser in your life.

Sadly I fear the OP is not planning to engage with this thread...

It absolutely won't ever get better. My mum was in a DV marriage. We left, several times a year, to a refuge. He promised everything. So she would always go back. Nothing ever changed. The last time we left it was my birthday. My mum met him a few days later so we could all get on the train and go back 'home' together. I said 'no.' He pinned me to the wall, held a knife to my throat and told me I was going home. I kicked him in the nuts and ran back to the refuge. My mum got in a lot of trouble for this as the refuge was very close by to where she had met him. They never did get back together but she hated me for that. He was the 'love of her life.' We have no relationship whatsoever as I view her as pathetic and weak. She blamed me for having the courage that she never did or wanted to have. My point is they never change. It only gets worse and destroys absolutely everything.

Are you still open to social care and do you have a social worker? If so then yes you must tell them or they'll find out anyway and it will look even worse on you.

But regardless you'd be mad to do it. Very very very rarely are incidences of DV a one time thing.

Consider going back to him when he has completed the course and his therapy. Then decide against it.

OP please don’t go back. Your child is more important. you are their voice.

I came from a home witnessing and hearing DV from a very young age until I started to run away around the age of 11/12. DV had a catastrophic impact on my life which lasted well into my 30s.

I am now well, very successful and have a beautiful family.

My parents are still together. My mother wasting her retirement in a haze of “acceptable”
drugs. My father the same. No deep love there only habit. No violence but still emotional abuse under the radar.

Although my father was the perpetrator I will never forgive my mother for not leaving. I will also never forgive her for lying to SW/police when teachers saw my bruises from an attack the previous night. She had herself so entrenched in his grip and her “love” for him she told them I did it to myself.

some may disagree and see this as victim blaming. I believe children are even more vulnerable than the adults who choose to stay with their violent partners.

The late night escapes to refuges only to return, the emotional blackmail of being asked to choose one parent during arguments, the violence, screaming and bullying of us all. The allowances made to keep him calm which are too awful to list really and I am sure triggering for many who experienced similar to me.

whilst you have a right to a life lived with the person you love, you chose to being a child into the world and so they matter regardless of whether they can make any decision.

my point is you never really left him. You’ve been working on your relationship. My mum used to say she would die without him and I will tell you now she doesn’t and didn’t live any kind of life with him. Her life has been full of sorrow.

give yourself a chance to find you

be happy alone until you raise your standards. I agree with PPs do the freedom project or explore therapy.

love your child and keep them safe

be an example and someone they will look up to and know they can rely on x

@Eenymeanymineymo I hope you have found peace now. We have similar stories and I am glad you have shared this with OP.

Your toddler is a victim of domestic violence, so was our son as a toddler, its one of the main reasons he is now our son, and not his birth parents son.

Your relationship will teach your son what a relationship should look like, if you go back he is being taught that violence is a normal part of a relationship.

Thank you! Like yourself I have made a lovely life for myself and have the total opposite life to what I grew up with...a lovely DP and 3 amazing children. Plus a good career. You sound a lot like me. I dont see myself as a victim. We have turned our lives around but at a cost. Sending you lots of love.