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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Going back to husband - social services

185 replies

Frozenyoggy · 26/07/2024 16:34

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

OP posts:
Josette77 · 26/07/2024 17:50

You're a mother. Your child comes first. Don't go back.

Your DH should be doing therapy as it is. Why isn't he?

DragonFly98 · 26/07/2024 17:56

No you don't and your friend had no obligation unless you or your child are professionally involved.
No marks or or injuries is not something social services are going to follow up on after this time. If it genuinely was a one of incident than your child would not be placed on child in need it wouldn't meet the threshold.
I would wait though until he has completed anger management before moving back in.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 26/07/2024 17:56

What would you tell a friend who was in your situation? What would you say if your daughter was in your shoes?

Don't go back. Ever.

Invisimamma · 26/07/2024 17:57

Protect your child. Do not go back to this abuser. Children are not passive witnesses or abuse, they are victims too and will soak in that trauma, even as toddlers. Put your child first.

unsync · 26/07/2024 17:58

Please don't do this. You and your child deserve so much better than life with an abusive, aggressive man.

It never ends well, there are so many threads on here from women who went back. The men take it as a green light for their abusive behaviour and the women find it so much harder to leave again.

Don't risk your life. Don't go back. If you can't do it for you, do it for your child. No child should see their mother being abused by their father.

GreyCarpet · 26/07/2024 18:00

No you don't and your friend had no obligation unless you or your child are professionally involved.

She might not have had a professional one but she certainly felt a moral one. And she did the right thing. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 26/07/2024 18:02

OP, I went back to my DH ex now. He promised everything under the sun, and HE knew what I needed to hear, he played the part to reel me back in, the hoovering tactics, the love bombing, the "I am so sorry" this was so not me kinda thing, over and over again. Till I returned to the family home.

Well, it took him a week till he reverted back to the asshole true self. A week. So, take it from me, it took me 3 further attempts to leave the bastard after that, and ones someone chooses to emotionally, financially, sexually or physically abuse you, because a person always thinks about these actions first prior to acting on them, so its a choice for them in order to control you, its not love, its what comes with you, the benefits of having you, its never about love, abuse is not an accident, not your fault, its a choice.

Why bring a child into that? You may be able to digest it emotionally, but your child will not have a choice in the matter, so act in the best interest of your child, call your mate who is a safeguarding lead and tell her to wobble your head my love as he will choose to blame you, and do far worse things second time round.

The reason you are wanting to go back is because your head is being messed about by your ex. Its terrifying not knowing what the future holds without the "love" from your ex, its the uncertainty of "will I find love again" and the "but I love him so much that makes us think that perhaps your situation will be different.

Now I want you to remember the feeling when you picked up your child and the feeling you had when you left your DH last time, how terrifying it was then, now sit with that feeling, and ask yourself if you are willing to go through all that 100x over again and again, because the two of you have "things left to do in order to be good, your DS has no choice, and I had to go to a womans aid refuge, saw things there, both courage but also defeat where some mums decided to go back, and hearing how social services were all over them, and on one occasion taking a child into their custody because some woman could not safeguard her child. So safeguard your child, that is your duty, its not your duty to raise a man, and believe me if you do go back, you will loose friends, you will get isolated and it will be far worse staying together than the pain of starting over.

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 18:02

OP the anger management course, therapy whatever he's paying lip service to, is a complete waste of time. Even on perpetrator programmes they just learn from each other.

Do not be under the illusion that he will change.

SoulMole · 26/07/2024 18:04

SoulMole · 26/07/2024 17:34

I work directly with DA perpetrators. It is NOTHING to do with anger management. Your local authority will probation run a specific intervention he can self refer to.

Typo there. Was supposed to say will likely offer an intervention.

craigth162 · 26/07/2024 18:07

Social services need to look out for your childrens welfare because clearly you arent. Think very carefully before doing this. Worth risking losing your kids?

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/07/2024 18:11

SoulMole · 26/07/2024 17:34

I work directly with DA perpetrators. It is NOTHING to do with anger management. Your local authority will probation run a specific intervention he can self refer to.

This is quite important .

Anger management can help teach control which is actually more dangerous for some perpetrators of DV and is not usually recommended in this respect.

There is likely to be a waiting list for a Perpetrators' course but I would think it would be essential for him to complete and be able to show learning from this before you even consider getting back together .

And yes for you to do some DV awareness work yourself (like the Freedom Programme) - again before you consider resuming your relationship and also in terms of helping you to recognise patterns/ red flags in future.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/07/2024 18:13

Good post from @TheseBootsAreWalking

IncompleteSenten · 26/07/2024 18:15

This anger management course he's "going to do"... Will that be before or after you move back in together?

Yes you should inform social services because they need to think about what's best for your child.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/07/2024 18:16

DragonFly98 · 26/07/2024 17:56

No you don't and your friend had no obligation unless you or your child are professionally involved.
No marks or or injuries is not something social services are going to follow up on after this time. If it genuinely was a one of incident than your child would not be placed on child in need it wouldn't meet the threshold.
I would wait though until he has completed anger management before moving back in.

The reason that SS closed the case was because the OP left her partner and moved away. Nothing to do with the fact that there were no visible injuries . Verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse .

LizzieBennett73 · 26/07/2024 18:19

He's saying all the right things to make you fall for his lies. And you are.

You do realise that you will probably lose custody/access to your child by doing so? And is he really worth it?

You need a lot of help and support, OP. But you don't need this man in your life. Stop seeing him as the person you WANT him to be and see him for the person that he is.

Franjipanl8r · 26/07/2024 18:25

Do you really think so little of yourself to feel you deserve to live with a man who needs anger management?! Absolutely contact social services if you decide to do this, your child deserves better.

Oldfatandfrumpy · 26/07/2024 18:32

My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.

Sorry OP but if he was really serious about sorting himself out, would he not have embarked on this as soon as possible after you left because he was so mortified at his behaviour?

Waiting until you are thinking of going back really smacks of an empty 'I should probably say this to make her feel better' promise which will never actually happen

Pollyanna87 · 26/07/2024 18:38

Please, please, please do not go back to him.

Doingmybest12 · 26/07/2024 18:39

Presumably they said they'd assess the situation if you reunited? Phone and let them know this is what you want to do and follow the advice .

Normallynumb · 26/07/2024 18:42

Don't do this
He left, if you let him back in, he WILL do it again
Put your DC first
It's highly likely your child will end up on a child protection plan, and it's very possible you will be made to choose your DP or your child
Choose your child now

Topseyt123 · 26/07/2024 18:42

You would be a total fool to do this.

You are putting an angry and abusive man ahead of your child. You are at very real risk of losing custody of of your child and ending up with them being taken into care if you go ahead with this.

Is that what you want? Your poor child will be mentally scarred for life too, and you will have been complicit.

MonsteraMama · 26/07/2024 18:44

Don't be so fucking selfish.

catchthepigeon98 · 26/07/2024 18:44

Before you make your decision please do the freedom course and also look at what a child goes through when living with dv

Backtoanoldname · 26/07/2024 18:51

Leopards, spots etc. Go steadily back into this with your own eyes wide open.

It may work - but common sense, statistics etc say it won’t.

PaminaMozart · 26/07/2024 18:57

TheseBootsAreWalking · 26/07/2024 18:02

OP, I went back to my DH ex now. He promised everything under the sun, and HE knew what I needed to hear, he played the part to reel me back in, the hoovering tactics, the love bombing, the "I am so sorry" this was so not me kinda thing, over and over again. Till I returned to the family home.

Well, it took him a week till he reverted back to the asshole true self. A week. So, take it from me, it took me 3 further attempts to leave the bastard after that, and ones someone chooses to emotionally, financially, sexually or physically abuse you, because a person always thinks about these actions first prior to acting on them, so its a choice for them in order to control you, its not love, its what comes with you, the benefits of having you, its never about love, abuse is not an accident, not your fault, its a choice.

Why bring a child into that? You may be able to digest it emotionally, but your child will not have a choice in the matter, so act in the best interest of your child, call your mate who is a safeguarding lead and tell her to wobble your head my love as he will choose to blame you, and do far worse things second time round.

The reason you are wanting to go back is because your head is being messed about by your ex. Its terrifying not knowing what the future holds without the "love" from your ex, its the uncertainty of "will I find love again" and the "but I love him so much that makes us think that perhaps your situation will be different.

Now I want you to remember the feeling when you picked up your child and the feeling you had when you left your DH last time, how terrifying it was then, now sit with that feeling, and ask yourself if you are willing to go through all that 100x over again and again, because the two of you have "things left to do in order to be good, your DS has no choice, and I had to go to a womans aid refuge, saw things there, both courage but also defeat where some mums decided to go back, and hearing how social services were all over them, and on one occasion taking a child into their custody because some woman could not safeguard her child. So safeguard your child, that is your duty, its not your duty to raise a man, and believe me if you do go back, you will loose friends, you will get isolated and it will be far worse staying together than the pain of starting over.

@Frozenyoggy - please read this. Then read it again. And again - however many times, until it sinks in.

It has been documented that it takes abused women several attempts to leave their abusers. Why do you think that is? PLEASE do not let him sweet-talk you into trying again! So far he has done F'All - and his promises are just that and basically worthless.

Please read Why Does He Do That (free pdf online) and do the Freedom Programme. And get counselling for yourself.

And obviously don't move back...