Going back to husband - social services

[Frozenyoggy]

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

This is correct. It's considered abuse to bring a child up in an abusive household.

Most healthy relationships dont involve one person putting their hands arpund the throat of another regardless of lifes stresses.

in your relationship is there or Was there any coercive control? Was there any repeated name calling? Any isolation from friends or family? Threats to harm themselves if you left? Controlling of any of your money or the joint accounts so you could not access basic stuff? Manipulation of the children to be against you? Any sexual stuff eg. Forcing you into sex.

If there was any of this aswell then I'm afraid you're in denial and you are in fact in an abusive relationship?

I thought 'failure to protect' from a violent parent/partner was taken very seriously by SS. If you were close to me I'd be telling you you are insane to get back together. All he's done so far is what every other cunt who abuses does, pay lip-service. "It'll never happen again..."

Children don't need to be physically present during the DV to be harmed.

They can hear it - they can hear the thumps, the crying, the screaming and begging for it to stop. They see the bruises.

Some try to stop it and get hurt. Other sit frozen in terror listening to their world fall apart - knowing their family unit is not a safe place to be. Sometimes they have to phone for the ambulance or even seek out help for their parent.

Young children will grow up believing this is normal for a relationship and may repeat the behaviour as victim or perpetrator.

Do remember as a parent to the child who witnessed it happen, that it does impact the children, they should never feel unsafe in their home, and their primary care givers should never act aggressively.

Do think carefully about whatever actions you may take. It's okay to be confused and to have a million emotions pulling you from both sides of going back, and not. It's also okay to have love for someone who has proved themselves capable of hurting you.

Do prioritise your child and yourself. Everyone deserves to be safe, and feel safe. And partners should enrich the lives of each other, with respect, support and partnership. Be sure you truly feel that can be achieved, couples counselling is something I think you should consider also

If he does the course, and then you date for a few years, and you see no signs of anger etc, then if you're really desperate and lacking in self-esteem you might go back to the abusive creep. Though better not to.

To go back now? Your poor child.

Hopefully your friend will have the sense to make social services aware again.

I'm quite shocked to read that @Flamencosheep - particularly in view of the fact that he grabbed you round the throat - that is really serious - I believe it's a red flag in terms of risk of men who go on to kill their partners .

I imagine it is in a lot of cases. However it really wasn't in mine. I do think SS are good at fully exploring individual cases though and offering appropriate and proprotionate support and help. They did fully explore and investigate ours and their support was great and really helped us. My original post was only trying to get the OP to engage with SS if she chose to entertain returning.

The extent to which DV alone causes the removal of children, it has to be very very serious and/or very prolonged. In the case of the OP, even if SS did know she moved back, it’s very unlikely to even be a CIN plan. That’s not to say you should go back but some of the comments being made on here are not even remotely accurate.

@Flamencosheep Kindly, your husband only got away with that because he is a doctor. Your relationship would not have received that much support or the abuse minimised that much if he had been a porter and you a cleaner. Social workers can be biased towards certain classes/occupations just as much as anyone else.

So a man is more important to you than your child’s safety.
I hope SS go all the way.

Going back to him is up to you but why can't you put your children first and do what you know you should

They have to have social services and if parents won't protect children someone had to try, and people can rubbish then if parents took better care they would not need to exist

Sorry but this isn't accurate. I see hundreds of CINs and CPPs every single day.

Child in a home with reported DA that mum is being dismissive of is at the bare minimum a CIN, and I'd be surprised if it was only a CIN. It's not just about the DA, it's about whether or not mum acknowledges she needs to safeguard the child and what safeguards are in place.

It is a long drawn out process sometimes but kids can and do get removed in cases like these. I've seen it once this week already.

@Frozenyoggy, it is quite disturbing that, having escaped his abuse, you are seriously considering sacrificing your and your children’s well-being by returning to the brute. You will be risking their emotional and physical safety, and the damage done will have far-reaching ramifications. Don’t do it.

Potentially. But I do also think when someone is pushed to the edge in literal life or death situations every shift (as is the case with that type of medical practitioner), that should also be considered when assessing why someone has done what they have done and deteriorated in their own mental health. As stated previously too, the reasons behind DV and its triggers are also relevant. Preying on vulnerability or enjoying control or substance abuse is very different to 'I've watched someone die in front of me and mentally I'm struggling when my wife is pushing a point' (even though IMO the point needed pushing). As SS said at the time, there's a difference between minimising and understanding that mentally we can all break.

Yes but not everyone's natural instinctive stress response is to throttle another person. The majority of people don't lash out at other people. That is what makes your husband dangerous. That is why it is minimising to blame the "trigger". His reaction is who he is, not the trigger.

You have done an amazing job of gaslighting yourself, I'll give you that. Putting your hands around someone's neck in anger is never excusable. I genuinely hope your husband doesn't kill you someday.

The previous 15 years without a single domestic incident prior to the event and the (over) three harmonious years after the event - as it stands today - would suggest otherwise. My children would have been far more traumatised had we broken the family up after. SS didn't let us off lightly, trust me. But their help was constructive and useful and involved some really decent therapy. My original post was simply trying to encourage the OP to not fear SS and to involve them if she chose to return. Probably better advice than those calling her selfish, desperate, insecure and saying her children will be removed. All that does is promote a fear of SS... so then what? She hides it and doesn't get the intervention and support necessary?

Well if he does, it will all be my fault I suppose and MN can revel in being right and saying how selfish and stupid I am. As I say though, out of the 23 years we have been together - the vast majority of that (21 years) being harmonious and incident free - I think I'll hedge my bets that I know my life and my DH (who literally spends nearly every day saving lives, not taking them) better than some stranger on the Internet.
As said earlier on the thread, it's not about defending DV (or my life for that matter), it's just wanting to encourage people to not fear SS and to work with them. They are good people and do want to help. That is all.
Goodnight!

I don't think anyone should be encouraging a woman with children to return to a violent partner.

Like I said, the intervention and support offered will likely depend on their social status. People see a doctor being stigmatised and criminalised as a bigger loss to that occupation than someone in a less prestigious role. And it is a bad look for a deputy head - someone with safeguarding responsibilities towards other people's children - to be raising children in an environment where violence is present. Hence why SS were eager to throw all kinds of support at you to minimise the potential for this to happen again. That potential will always be there though.

Also, this wasn't a single incident. You said there had been verbal and physical altercations before this. By both of you.

Directly from the NSPCC website - ‘Exposure to domestic abuse is child abuse, and it can have a significant impact on a child's development, health and wellbeing.’

If you go back to this man you are complicit in child abuse. You can dress it up however you like, but your poor child will suffer because of your selfish actions. Do not go back.

You must never go back, your child is already scarred for life by this incident. Do you want this to happen again?
My DS remembers my exH punching me 40 years ago. He has never forgotten it and has had to have a lot of therapy.
Do what is best for your child and never go back.

That is all well and good for two adults with no children

How many endless children have to suffer because of their parents?

He will kill you (statistically you are now at severe risk if he has already grabbed you by the throat)
And your son will have no parents at all to raise him.
SS will be the least of your worries.