Going back to husband - social services

[Frozenyoggy]

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

@Frozenyoggy it took me 7 maybe 8 goes to leave my abusive BF for good. I left and went back over and over again and each time the violence got worse. He begged, he cried, he'd hurt himself and threaten suicide. I kept returning it was like we were tied together. In all honesty it took me the best part of a decade to somewhat recover. The physical scars healed quickly but fuck me the emotional ones were far more horrific. Every relationship after seemed to lack intensity and passion but I had to remind myself that his violence wasn't passion. It wasn't lovely or loving. It was control. It was humiliation. It was belittling and demeaning. He made me less than to make himself feel bigger, stronger. I was a shadow of myself.

And he's going to say whatever he thinks you need to hear, anything to get you back into the house and back under his control. I have no doubt he has been relentless with telling you how sorry he is, how he will never, ever do that again, how he can't live without you. I'm sure part of him even believes it. He's lying to you and himself. He is an abuser.

You were smart enough to get away from him, be smart enough to keep it that way. Your children are depending on you to make the right choice.

This nails it. You're probably already back together/sleeping with him aren't you?

I hope someone in your child's life can safeguard her as you don't seem able to.

You don’t need to tell SS. If you don’t have a social worker now and don’t have a letter, they probably didn’t take it far. There is no system to ‘flag up’ that you’ve gone back, unless something happens and your re referred by police, school etc.

But it’s probably not the best decision to go back yet at least. Have considerable time a part, at least a year, with him actively demonstrating change in attitude and behaviour. If he gets annoyed with you in 6 months time how does he respond etc. It doesn’t always continue or escalate but the chances are pretty high

How could you do this to your child? You might not give a shit about yourself but why would you put your child in that position ever again if you can protect them from that? They have witnessed violence at home and that is not an easy fix.
Let me tell you something for free: there is never 1 incidence of domestic violence. He will do it again. And you are forcing your poor baby to go through it too

Oh, he's 'going to' do the courses. Sure he's 'going to'. If he was so genuinely and meaningfully sorry he would have done them already. The only thing he's 'going to' do is make your life even more of a misery if you go back because he will know just how low your threshold is.

I’m sorry but time and time again we see threads like this on Mumsnet, where the parent NOT abusing the child is unsure on whether to leave or not so comes onto here to ask the most obvious question.
You need to leave with the children and clearly explain to him why you’re leaving. Or ask him to leave. Instead of messing around trying to set up cameras- start getting all your ducks in a row now. Jobs and money doesn’t mean anything when it comes to protecting your children. Jobs and money are replaceable, your children aren’t. There is support out there for a reason, why we have the social welfare system, and the police etc. All it takes is your husband going from a slap to a punch etc. You know where I’m going with this. You’re failing to protect your children, and in doing so you will cause resentment from them towards yourself too. I co- parent with my ex and we share a 3 year old little boy, he slapped him on the bottom once, which he told me about, thinking it was acceptable and I threw the book at him. He never did it again and he apologised. There’s better ways to discipline children that doesn’t mean needing to slap them. Why do you need to be told what 95% of other parents would automatically do? Protect your children.

OP, three years ago my DH and I had a bad argument where he went and grabbed me round the throat for a few seconds. There had also been a few incidents before this of him pushing me. I had also been verbally abusive towards him and also physical at times. My DH is an A&E doctor and the night of the neck incident, had had a patient from a car crash die just before his shift finished. He came home and I'd had a go about something. The fight escalated and he snapped. I also have a very stressful job (deputy head of a school) I called the police as we have two young children and I told him I was not willing to put up with that kind of behaviour. Both children were asleep but had witnessed heated verbal rows in the past. Police arrested him and SS got involved. They did an initial assessment and said from the outset they understood that we were in a pressure cooker. They didn't once say we had to split up or insinuate the children would be better off without either one of us or us as a family. They offered us relationship counselling which we glady took and then closed the case with no further action. We learned how to deal with our anger in a much healthier way and our arguments have never escalated since their involvement. I found them to be extremely helpful and supportive of our situation and complex issues. I find all this 'a leopard never changes its spots' stuff a little too reductionist and simplistic. SS also told us that DV is often not as simple as that either. They will assess each case individually, looking at past incidents, criminal record, school/GP input etc etc etc. If your DH really is capable of change, they will see that looking at all the evidence. It's a different story if they insist on you staying separate...they absolutely will take steps to ruthlessly enforce that if you don't comply (most likely for good reason).

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4801585-i-grew-up-in-a-house-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse?reply=126017849

This is an AMA I did, I was the child that grew up traumatised by my parents. My mum never thought it would get worse either.

Spoiler alert, it did.

If you don't want your DC to end up struggling like myself and previous posters on this thread did, never ever return.

Be thankful your friend intervened.

Much love to anyone who has suffered or is suffering domestic abuse. 💔

As a therapist op anger management does not work. I've seen it first hand and it just isn't enough. He is abusive. Therapy cannot change peoples personalities, this is him. Therapy works on mental health and anger is not a mental health issue, being angry is but anger is not. His problems are deep rooted and habitual. Please do not think therapy will fix this

If your ex hasn’t even started any counselling or done any personal work on himself of his own volition until now and it’s all “I’m gunna…” then it’s likely he hasn’t changed and is just telling you what you want to hear to get you to move back in,

I would be wanting to see several months in one-on-one therapy with a psychologist who specialises in DV. An anger management course is too generic and often attended by others in a group setting, usually. My ex went on one and he was with ex cons. He laughed about it in a “I am not like them” kind of way. Also, he was already able to control his anger with his boss and others, with the exception of one workplace with very soft family like boundaries and they eventually got rid of him.

Laughing at the PP telling us her kids were asleep and didn't see her being grabbed around the throat...guess what, they heard every word, knew what was happening but were scared and didn't dare come downstairs. I was that child. Heard my parents rows, knew exactly what was happening. It's terrifying. I'm still angry at my mum now for making us live in such a toxic household. You are deluded if you think your kids had no idea.

I have taught children who have grown up witnessing domestic violence. It scars the. Don't do it for your kid.

Do your personal therapy first.
Wait till.he has completed his.
Not "going to"

More fool you

Please please please. Do not do it. You not only risk your and your child's safety (life potentially) but even if not it will not be viewed lightly as you are not being a protective parent, there is a genuine chance if you do go back your child could be taken away as you are actively making decisions that place them in danger. Is this piece of utter s* really worth that?! He is just saying what you want to hear. No one else can make the choice for you but on your head be it...

Jesus. Why are you minimising your husband strangling you ffs.

A child being exposed to domestic violence, even without injury is taken very seriously, and is a form of abuse.

I would definitely wait to go back to him. Right now it’s all hear say. He will do this, that etc…… well he hasn’t done any of this! He should be doing it now if he wants to win you back. Read it ends with us by Colleen hoover…. She had a daughter and promised her that she would never let her daughter have to see her go through abuse… and the only way to guarantee that was to cut him out for good!

Because my husband is a good man who saves live every single day and snapped under immense pressure after coping with one of the most stressful jobs anyone could ever have. Considering I rang the police, I hardly accepted the behaviour. But I did accept the excellent support that SS gave us, which didn't just claim destroying my family was better for my children. Also considering this was three years ago, I think it's pretty safe to say the therapy they gave us was very worthwhile. It's not about defending DV, it's about showing how engaging with SS and the really useful support and help they offer is worthwhile.. they don't want to break up families, they want to keep them together. I imagine with most DV reports this isn't the best course of action. I'm simply saying that I don't think it's correct to say the root of DV is always the same... my DH and I had been together since we were 15 and 16... not a single domestic incident until we were early 30s... the trigger was clearly not him enjoying preying on my vulnerability was it? We had a couple of years of stress with work and children and a big relocation, which manifested in us taking it out on each other. After SS involvement we are back to how we were in the previous pretty harmonious 15 years. Not everything can be reduced in such a black and white manner.

There was no mention of the child being exposed to DV in the op. Obviously a child witnessing DV is also a victim and yes it should be taken seriously. My point is one incident especially one that left no marks or injuries does not mean a relationship has to end or that a child would be put on a CIN.
edit have just reread and seen the toddler was present I just read where the op said the friend said because the have a toddler.
It doesn't mean the child wouldn't suffer more harm growing up without their father though providing he completes anger management and it's never repeated.

He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.

It literally says the toddler was present in the OP

Yes , know it does.

@DragonFly98 the OP stated that the toddler was present.

@DragonFly98 a child growing up in a house where domestic abuse is present is a victim of domestic abuse where there or not they witness it.