Going back to husband - social services

[Frozenyoggy]

I left my husband after an argument escalated. He was physical with me but no bruises or injuries. Our toddler was present.
i told a friend who said she had an obligation to report it to SS as she was a safeguarding lead.
I spoke to SS and told them the events which took place. They closed the case as I moved out the area to stay with family.

Me and my husband have now had a period of time apart and realised we have things to work on in our marriage but want to try again. My husband is going to do an anger management course and some personal therapy.
i am going to move back to the family home at some point in the near future.
Do I need to call social services to let them know the change in circumstances? Ideally I don’t want to but I realise that looks like secrecy and I want to be transparent if it helps. From what I read it’s possible my children might be put on a child in need plan?

many thanks for advice

@Eenymeanymineymo I am so glad to hear you have made a lovely life for yourself. We have definitely turned things around. Sending love back to you.

@Frozenyoggy mine told me he would get therapy and anger management after he was physically violent towards me in front of my kids too. I believed everything he said and took him back.

The therapy, he did a couple of sessions then stopped. The abuse perpetrator programme, he told me he'd applied to it but never did. He recently admitted to me that he didn't really think he needed it, so he just lied to me.

Fast forward almost exactly one year and I'm trying to leave him again. Social services have been involved a second time. The abuse never really went away and soon began to escalate again.

I really, really believed my husband was the exception to the rule. But I'm afraid what everyone is saying is true. I'm sorry.

If you don't stay away for yourself, please do it for your child.

Your child is a victim of domestic abuse and you want to put them at further risk of being harmed.
As others have said he needs to be doing the course and being able to talk through/show he can use what he has learnt before you even consider moving back with him.

Your poor child. They won't thank you when they grow up knowing you willingly put them back in a domestic violence situation. Shame on you!!!

It’s getting so sickening reading thread after thread of women choosing abusive POS men over their kids.

Oh OP, you fool. 💔

The question I would ask myself is whether he 'hurts' other people in his life. Does he punch his boss when he's not happy, smack the barmaid when he isn't served quick enough, punch the bus driver if he's late? I can guarantee 💯 he dosent. Which means his violence can be controlled. He chooses and wants to hit you. Because he knows he can.Soon it will be your child. And then what?!

I personally don’t believe that one act of violence means that someone will 100% be violent for the rest of their life.

Saying that OP, you have a young child who actually witnessed your ex be violent towards you. There is absolutely no way you should take the risk and hope that the previous exchange was a one off. As much as you may believe he’s changed and he’ll go to therapy, your child comes first.

Can you really say that your child is in the forefront of your mind when you’re considering getting back with this person?

Children don't witness domestic abuse, they experience it - it's child abuse.

Children's services will rightly be concerned that you're putting your child at risk of emotional and physical harm.

I imagine if you don't tell them, your SGL friend will if they find out you're back together.

What did your closure letter from CSC say?

I’m still here, I haven’t had a chance to read messages before now.

i didn’t get a letter from social services

Are you mad? "He IS going to do an anger management course" suggests he hasn't yet done one and you are seriously entertaining this? even with the course he knows he can abuse you and you will take him back. This will not benefit your children!!! Abusers don't stop abusing!!! Get therapy and realise you and your children deserve more!

what chunk of time would you be expecting?

I’ve finished the book Why Does He Do That. I’m part way through the freedom programme online.

im going to ask him tonight if he’s signed up for the anger management course

As has been pointed out, an anger management course is pointless. He has no problem managing his anger with his boss or other situations where 'losing it' is not an option.

He needs intensive counselling. As do you.

Don't go back!

I think you need to at least finish the Freedom Programme before making these decisions.

It would be slightly surprising to see someone completing the Freedom Programme and still believing that an anger management course is going to fix their abuser.

And you would be better off attending the Freedom Programme in person if possible.

OP please read all the posts on your thread.

You're still thinking of going back to him, aren't you.

Please don't!

You are being utterly selfish.
Five years down the line and you'll be back where you started wondering why you weren't strong enough to stay away.
Don't do it, your child deserves better to be some sort of guinea pig for your partner's 'anger management' programme.
Newsflash. Decent men don't need to go on courses that teach them how to not beat women.

I work in safeguarding children and yes this will be flagged up.
If you don't want to protect yourself, then protect your children. A child witnessing domestic abuse is actually classed as child abuse now.

Your friend did the right thing. She was thinking about your child's welfare aswell as yours.

I myself have also been in domestic abuse relationships years ago. So I understand the dynamics. Believe me I would bet my house if you get back with him he will do it again. Might not be for months, maybe not even a year but it will eventually happen again. It's a cycle. Right now you are in the good part of the cycle where they promising to never do it again and get help. Then slowly it will escalate again. Might snap at you one time. Might make a mean comment. Then it will get worse and more frequent. Then something will happen again, probably physical since he's already done it now.

You need to leave and never look back. He's lovebombing you to get you back under his control. Please leave!

Don’t go back! It will never work out!

As others have more eloquently said, don't go back. Violence is not normal or ok in a relationship. Honestly, zero violence is the norm and the minimum to expect.

But I get the impression this won't dissuade you. So perhaps it's better to try a different approach: zero romantic contact (you'll have to have contact for your child) until 1 year after he completes an accredited anger management programme and you have both completed 1 year of (separate) therapy. If he won't do it, or says you don't need to wait that long, that's all the answer you need.

You've clearly made your mind up and are just asking about social services. So I think everyone is wasting their time on here. For what it's worth I hope social services do get involved to try and protect your child as you and the child's father seem incapable of that.

Please, please do not go back there and expose your child to being a witness to abuse, and possible / probable abuse of themselves. Please don't.

90+ years.

Please don’t go back to him. If you can’t prioritise yourself (I understand it takes several violent events for women to leave) please think about your child.

Let SS know, at least they can keep an eye on the situation and hopefully remove the child if there is more violence.

Abusers don’t change.