DP has been a twat (Content Warning)

[Mindyourownbusinessmadam]

My DP who I have been with for 4 years has put his thumbs into my eyes when I asked him if hes been seeing his ex...who , by the way, has constantly been messaging him.

Last year I suspected something as he was acting weird and kind of mocking me after he had a drink.
So, I told him my gut was telling me that he had been messaging her...well he went fucking mental and punched me on the face causing me to have , what the hospital said was a deep zycoma (broken cheek bone)
I never reported him and just forgave him as at the time I just thought he was angry at my 'paranoia'
I had to have an operation to put my cheek bone back, basically plastic surgery! I also had to have a procedure where they go in from the eyebrow bow to fix the cheek bone.

Anyway, fast forward to this year and we have been really happy, but I still suspect the ec is in the picture and he's been sneaking meetings with her...

I am in no way a paranoid or jealous person. I'm not the sort of person who will ever just assume things. But my gut has been off, and anyone who has had the git feeling will know exactly what I mean.

Now here is the issue...my god would I just love to kick him out as everything is in my name , but I totally rely on his money, that is another thing he said "I wouldn't give you all my money if I was having an affair"

One more thing...
He has a tattoo on his back saying that she is the love of his life forever. When I ask him to remove it he lies and says it's just some random writing. So wont remove it. What are your views , please be nice as I am in bots after tonight and I appreciate everyone's advice.

OP - Finances - start by applying for Universal Credit, do it tonight, the sooner you apply the sooner you'll get some income.

You'll get your first payment 1 month plus 7 days from the start date, you will have access to a UC New Claims advance loan to help you until your first payment, it can be repaid over a 2 year period.

Please disclose to your Work Coach that you have been in a Domestic Abuse situation, they can put an easement on your claim so that you can have some space to sort yourself out before looking for work.

You will be OK, just one step at a time, you've got this xx

Will your kids still adore him when they learn what he has done to you, @Mindyourownbusinessmadam? Surely they will be horrified at the violence he has used, and will condemn him for it.

He is a domestic abuser, and things will only get worse. Leave before he hurts you even more seriously than he already has, or kills you.

@Mindyourownbusinessmadam

He is due home soon and I will be out. I have bagged his stuff up and left it with the neighbour. He doesnt have keys but has guessed his stuff will be packed up.He was saying that if I chuck him out he will have to sleep rough untill he gets paid tomorrow. I have lots to sort out with money and don't know what to do. I've been to sad to sort that stuff today.

You brave, brave woman.

If you can, ask your neighbour to keep an eye on the house and either notify you so you can call the police or to call the police directly if he breaks in or starts to do damage.

I'm not in the UK so am not an expert, but will you be eligible for any type of benefits? I know posters on other threads have said there are websites (entitledto or something like that?) as well as agencies (Citizen's Advice?) who can help you find out what you're entitled to and help you apply.

For now, sit down and make a list of all the expenses you currently have (I assume everything is in your name, he's been giving you money but you've 'physically' been paying the bills yourself. Cull them down to the bare necessities (mortgage, council tax, insurance, utilities, phone, car expenses, food) and cancel the rest (TV packages, any subscriptions, etc). Be absolutely brutal. Once you get it down to basics, see if you can 'trim' anything like going for a cheaper phone contract or internet provider or parking your car (if you have one) and using the bus/trains if that's cheaper. Even using food banks if you qualify, now is not time to be 'too proud' to use what you qualify for. Then take it from there to start figuring what you'll need to do to pay for things. It may take some time and effort, but you'll get back on your feet in time.

Please call the police OP to alert them to the fact that you are putting an abusive violent man out.

You and your address need to be on their radar.

Please believe PP when we say this is now a very dangerous time for you.

Don’t go back there until you have changed the locks and added extra security such as reinforcing your doors and windows.

Well done for waking up to the danger he presents to you.

💐

The time a man is most violent is when the woman tries to leave him.

Tell the police the truth.
Tell your sister the truth.

Now. Or it could be too late as he loses his temper and kills you. And nobody will know the truth...

You deserve better.

I'm so sorry that you have been living in an extremely abusive relationship @Mindyourownbusinessmadam.

I want to say this in the most gentle and understanding way I can, but you are currently in danger. I've only just come upon this thread and was frankly alarmed that you were going back to feed your lovely dog this morning by yourself which indicates to me that you may not fully grasp just how serious this is.

It is a lot for a person to confront the realisation that their partner isn't just a 'twat' but a violent and manipulative bully who is perfectly capable of causing you lifelong harm or killing you. Extensive research has shown that the most dangerous time and the biggest threat of being murdered is when they try to leave a domestic abuser.

You need to phone the police now and you need to stay with your sister or one of your adult children until such time as you have accessed expert advice, changed the locks and put yourself in a position of safety. YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

You have taken the first steps so please pack your own stuff and your dogs and get out of your home until you have gotten the ball rolling to extricate him from your life.

And you don't ever need to see him again.

OP

This man is so vile that he could break in and lie in wait for you to come home.
AND you have no proof he has no key.

Please do not enter the house on your own until you have reported him to the police.

We can all understand you not wanting to tell the police.
But you have to. Not only to protect yourself, but all the other women who might meet him in the future.

Your own safety is the point here.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

I can understand how talking about it in real life makes it 'real'.
Being here anon, is a start.

You can do this! But it needs reporting and once you do so it will be a weight off your shoulders.

Please don't think that by keeping quiet, you are safe and he won't come after you.

The opposite is true.

You need the law on your side.

OP please listen to everyone’s advice and LTB. I would class my DP as being a ‘twat’ when he gets home from work before me and leaves all his stuff by the front door for me to trip over or more recently for eating my slice of cheesecake that I was saving. Yours has gone way past twat, he is a seriously dangerous abuser. Run. Run as fast as you can and do not look back

Can't believe he kept slapping you in the face after he'd broke. Your cheekbone.

I really hope you get the courage to leave him for good and get a Non-Molestation Order in place

I hope you are ok, and safe, tonight, OP.

I would sleep better tonight if I knew you were OK.

You could always offer a place for him to stay overnight, just by phoning the police I'm sure they would happily give him a free place to kip for the next 24 hrs. In all honesty if you did phone the police they would make sure you are safe immediately and then get you victim support where they can help you at least practically to point you in the right directions with universal credit but also hopefully emotionally as well. We live in a Social care environment for exactly your example for you to break the cycle and beagle to start building your life not living in constant fear.

Keep on posting here @Mindyourownbusinessmadam

This is your thread and we’re here to support you. We know it’s overwhelming.

Posters here want you to be safe. That’s why they keep urging you to call the police. But if you haven’t and you’re not ready don’t let it stop you coming back to this thread.

Tell us what’s holding you back. The more you can put those swirling thoughts into words, the clearer things will be.

Why are you hesitating to call the police? Has he got something to hold over you? Are there drugs involved?

Whatever it is, we can help you figure it out.

Please speak to the police and women’s aid. You are not safe. Even with changed locks , he could wait outside or break in .
Lots of people have said do this, I don’t think I’ve seen you respond to that .

An apology is meaningless . Sorry for smashing your face up, slapping as it healed and poking your eyes and threatening to gouge them. Would an apology lead to you returning ?

He has been controlling you by getting you to give up work so you depend on him. Please stop thinking in terms of it’s been good at times, that you are disappointed to not have the weekend away with him. Please get some therapy as you are at risk of repeating this .

Hope you are ok OP?

🏃‍♂️ run, run, run. 🚩
He fractured your face.
You've had to have serious surgery.
Where is your self esteem and pride?
Get into therapy fairly lively x

Seriously, the woman has suffered horrific long term abuse and controlling and coercive behaviour and you're asking where her pride is? Get lost with your judgement.

Never, ever trust a charmer. Ever. To be charming is to be deceitful.

Stand on your own two feet.

Be an independent, financially free woman in your own right.
He's fractured your face and gouged your eyes.
He'll do worse next time.
Check out the work of David Challen on Twitter.

This isn’t love op. People don’t hurt, manipulate and abuse those they love and respect.

Mate he punched you in the face and caused so much damage that you had to have surgery. This is not okay!!! Who cares about his fucking money?! Get out and get out now. Women’s Aid is there to help

You will not 'see' a penny of his dirty money because you will be blind or d e a d.

Bravo OP , the shame or embarrasssment is not yours its that women beating psychopath you were with. Dont look back. I would rather be poor than be with someone who gauged your eyes. I am so proud of you. Please dont worry about your childrens reaction. You said they suspected domestic abuse. If you waver on doing this for yourself do it for them. Dont be surprised if they adore him a lot less than you think.

You deserve to be happy and FREE . Not that it matters but he has a guilty conscious. I pity his next victim. Domestic violence escalates. Dont let it be you. Ps please tell the people around you about the attacks. it is his shame and not yours. Sending you love, empathy , hope and power. You can do this
.

Please ask your sister to take pics of your eyes tonight and any marks or scratches too for when you contact the police Thank God you're safe ATM.

He’s healthy, he doesn’t have a broken cheekbone or gouged out eyeballs, he will be much better off sleeping rough than you were in a hospital bed. Don’t have any sympathy for him- it’s more dangerous for you at home than it is for him in the street and he’s the reason why. (I don’t believe he will sleep rough, it is obvious he doesn’t have to so it would be a choice if he did. but I think it would be pure karma if he did have to.)
don’t feel bad that he’s paid the bills. He’s also a violent criminal. It’s your house. End of. He has no rights. He paid the bills, fine, now he has to leave.

I really hope you’re ok @Mindyourownbusinessmadam. This thread is full of people who are concerned about you and your well-being.

It may be a case that he has talked you around. And if he has, please don’t make that stop you from posting here. We are here to support you and talk it out xx

He broke your cheek bone😳 and you’re still with him. This individual has the propensity to kill you. And he WILL do so, sooner or later, challenge/disagree/irritate him. He’s shown you what he is…believe him. How much warning do you need?