DP has been a twat (Content Warning)

[Mindyourownbusinessmadam]

My DP who I have been with for 4 years has put his thumbs into my eyes when I asked him if hes been seeing his ex...who , by the way, has constantly been messaging him.

Last year I suspected something as he was acting weird and kind of mocking me after he had a drink.
So, I told him my gut was telling me that he had been messaging her...well he went fucking mental and punched me on the face causing me to have , what the hospital said was a deep zycoma (broken cheek bone)
I never reported him and just forgave him as at the time I just thought he was angry at my 'paranoia'
I had to have an operation to put my cheek bone back, basically plastic surgery! I also had to have a procedure where they go in from the eyebrow bow to fix the cheek bone.

Anyway, fast forward to this year and we have been really happy, but I still suspect the ec is in the picture and he's been sneaking meetings with her...

I am in no way a paranoid or jealous person. I'm not the sort of person who will ever just assume things. But my gut has been off, and anyone who has had the git feeling will know exactly what I mean.

Now here is the issue...my god would I just love to kick him out as everything is in my name , but I totally rely on his money, that is another thing he said "I wouldn't give you all my money if I was having an affair"

One more thing...
He has a tattoo on his back saying that she is the love of his life forever. When I ask him to remove it he lies and says it's just some random writing. So wont remove it. What are your views , please be nice as I am in bots after tonight and I appreciate everyone's advice.

So he's physically, emotionally AND financially abusing you.

Not working will also affect your pension contributions unless you have children under 12. (You get your NI covered).

Please tell me you don't have children.

Welldone OP. You need to ring the police to let them know what’s happened in case he reappears. He won’t be happy and you are still in danger.

You have already left him.

Call a locksmith and get the locks changed. You can not have him in your house.

Thank you for pointing that out, happy to be corrected

Call the police now.
Call a locksmith now.
NOW please, please OP.

I hope that you are safe and have involved the police.
This is one of the most disturbing threads I've read on MN in a long time.
Please listen to all the good advice here.

Hi,
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I haven't read the whole thread but I've just read through all your replies.
Please call the police now and call 999. You are not wasting their time, that's exactly what the emergency services are there for.
This man is an animal and is a serious threat to you. Nobody should ever be treated like this and he needs arresting before his behaviour escalates even further.
My daughter has finally left her abusive partner after several years. His behaviour was controlling and manipulative and has left her feeling extremely vulnerable with small children. The police have told her to call 999 if he turns up at the house without permission and he's never even physically hurt her.
You can go to a womens refuge and get an emergency restraining order so he will be arrested if he comes back to the house.
Don't worry that you told the hospital a cover story, they will be used to this.
I read recently that around 50% of 999 calls are now due to domestic violence and that on average it takes a woman 14 times to finally leave an abusive partner.
You deserve so much better than this. Please make an official report to the police now and get this animal out of your life for good.
Once you make that call you will feel such a huge relief.

Please don't do anything without calling the police - you are going to NEED support and protection.

I would literally rather be homeless, getting by on pennies than stay with a violent woman beater. He could be a millionaire for all I care, you’re basically saying that taking a few beatings here and there is worth it because of money. Call the police and get the cunt knobhead removed before you end up dead. You can do this 🤝🏼

@Mindyourownbusinessmadam so while he’s out your walking your dog ?
I stead of calling women’s aid . Instead of going to the police .
I stead of dropping his stuff off somewhere and applying for universals credit ? So you are financially independent. .

You are now allowing this man back “home” to abuse you more .

Stop OP

Take action your hurrying your head in the sand.

I don't have any thing more to add to what all the previous posters have said other than just please put yourself first. If you aren't going to leave the house, please at least change the locks and report him to the police so he cannot get in and there is a paper trail.

He WILL be saying all the right things to win you back over. Please please please, for your own safety, do not be taken in by it.

As others have said, and sorry to be blunt but he WILL kill you in the end. He will. Don't think that everyone is exaggerating. You will end up dead and your children will have no mother. If that is not reason enough, then just put yourself first. I know its scary and you feel you can't do it alone, but you can. You really can.

Reading through this thread and OP's updates.... PLEASE update and let us know you are safe and that you have contacted police. You need to get away from this vile excuse of a human and save your own life. Have you told your sister EVERYTHING that he has done to you?

Didn’t need to read past your first paragraph to know you should have left a year ago and NEED TO LEAVE. The ex is irrelevant. What matters immensely is the fact he is VIOLENT and has assaulted you. Why oh why can’t you see this???? Please leave op.

This

I think you care about OP and meant this kindly, but these situations are complicated, and abusers are experts at increasing the severity of the aggression and violence bit by bit. It’s a bit like the frog in the boiling water analogy, if you’ve ever heard that one- the frog doesn’t notice until it’s too late that it’s being boiled alive because the temperature is increased very slowly.

Saying things like “why oh why can’t you see this??” When OP has recognised she needs support only invalidates her. People in abusive relationships have their whole worldview threatened and manipulated. Abusers are also great at spotting people who may be vulnerable to abuse. It is not supportive or constructive to say she should have left a year ago.

😱 why is his money more important than your safety? He’s a violent cunt. I’d rather live in a bed sit and have peace of mind than go anywhere near a bastard like that

I'm getting very concerned with her last post being when she took her dog out and it being 4 hours ago... I'm just hoping OP is safe with her sister and kids

Same here and does @PipMumsnet Mumsnet not have a policy in place for this kind of situation, can they identify the user and alert police?

I thought same. I'm hoping she's just embroiled with the police or something. Such a worrying and dangerous situation.

Also hoping that is reason on lack of update too

I know you need time to come to terms with this OP, but you must now realise that you have already formed a habit of waiting for the storm to calm and the guilty love bombing to start up again as it feels healing to you. It seems the ‘soul mate’ text from him has set you back into the familiar pattern of allowing him to talk his way back with promises never to do it again and another lovely weekend ahead.

We all want to stop you in your tracks as you calmly walk the dog because we can feel how passive you are being about it. He WILL do it again. But you are still dealing with the adrenaline of fearing for your life yesterday so you are subconsciously grateful for the familiar pattern today of him calming you.

Please see past today to a future without him in it ever again. Cancel the weekend away …. or plan to go on your own.

You MUST take active control of this situation today.
So what is your plan ?

Don’t let him back in. Neither into your house, your heart or your head.
Keep your own head.
You haven’t bagged his stuff just to frighten him into begging your forgiveness. You have bagged his stuff so that he walks right out of your life forever.
This is way too serious to be a game where you both know the moves you will both make to keep the cycle of abuse going.

Put a stop to it OP. Only you can do it. It’s your responsibility to do it.

And, tell all your adult children everything. Their right to know exactly how monstrous this man is, tops the misplaced, undeserved shame you feel.

He is able to make you fear for your life because of that misplaced shame.
He counts on it.
Can you see that the shame should be his, not yours.

Are you fucking joking?

@Mindyourownbusinessmadam have you had an emergency locksmith out to change the locks yet OP?

Have you rang the police yet?

Oh OP I'm afraid for you
He has robbed you of your confidence and kept you dependent on him so you think you won't manage without him
I promise you will thrive and fly without this psychopath( yes, I really think he is)
Stay out of the house
You can go to any boots or any pub if easier and " ask for ANI"
From there, you can call the police and womens aid
It's fantastic you have your own home but now is the most dangerous time and your safety is paramount.
If in immediate danger if you can't ring 999 text 55 and police will trace you, but suggest boots.
From there, you can arrange a lock change. He may have taken a copy you're unaware of
Stay strong and take great care.

This. And also to add to that no money is even worth it alive.
Please leave OP before you end up being another sad statistic.

and Please, Please, Please tell your adult DC.. The shame is not yours
They love you and want you to be safe and happy.