DP has been a twat (Content Warning)

[Mindyourownbusinessmadam]

My DP who I have been with for 4 years has put his thumbs into my eyes when I asked him if hes been seeing his ex...who , by the way, has constantly been messaging him.

Last year I suspected something as he was acting weird and kind of mocking me after he had a drink.
So, I told him my gut was telling me that he had been messaging her...well he went fucking mental and punched me on the face causing me to have , what the hospital said was a deep zycoma (broken cheek bone)
I never reported him and just forgave him as at the time I just thought he was angry at my 'paranoia'
I had to have an operation to put my cheek bone back, basically plastic surgery! I also had to have a procedure where they go in from the eyebrow bow to fix the cheek bone.

Anyway, fast forward to this year and we have been really happy, but I still suspect the ec is in the picture and he's been sneaking meetings with her...

I am in no way a paranoid or jealous person. I'm not the sort of person who will ever just assume things. But my gut has been off, and anyone who has had the git feeling will know exactly what I mean.

Now here is the issue...my god would I just love to kick him out as everything is in my name , but I totally rely on his money, that is another thing he said "I wouldn't give you all my money if I was having an affair"

One more thing...
He has a tattoo on his back saying that she is the love of his life forever. When I ask him to remove it he lies and says it's just some random writing. So wont remove it. What are your views , please be nice as I am in bots after tonight and I appreciate everyone's advice.

As people have said you need to make an official complaint and get a restraining/protection order. I would also contact Women’s Aid for advice as they would be best placed to know all the steps you should do!

If you can’t afford a locksmith and need to change the locks you can do it cheaply by opening your door and unscrewing the lock inside the door and just screwing in a new one yourself - it literally takes minutes and the locks themselves aren’t too expensive + will come with the new keys. Take a pic of the lock inside the door and the outside, measure the height and width and go to any hardware store (key cutters probably do them too) and they’ll be able to tell you which one you need.

I would then also get some cameras off Amazon, put some outside and some downstairs in your house!

In terms of affording mortgage/bills you will need to apply for Universal Credit - you could also take in a lodger which might be good if you fear being alone in the house and would help with bills. You do not need this man - he has convinced you that you are dependent on him it’s how abusers operate (calling you butch is also deliberately to break down your self esteem and feel grateful to him for being with you).

I've been there - not so severe but even so it's terrifying. She needs to take it seriously because he will kill her.

It makes me despair and sick to my stomach knowing that some women still live like this.

The worst part is that there are many decent men out there who would never even consider this, but some people are in the cycle of thinking that DV can be excused, and "they are doing it for the children" whereas the reality is unfortunately that they can't face the fact that they are allowing their partner to use them as both a punching bag and a willing slave. Let alone anything to do with the sex.

@Mindyourownbusinessmadam

Lovely, I'm probably a day late and a dollar short due to the 8 hr time difference, but if you're bagging his stuff up, please don't hand it to him. Put it on the porch, the garage, on the lawn. And please, most importantly, do NOT be alone in the house whether you think he has keys or not. Or even if you change the locks/lock barrels.

You need to have someone there, preferably someone large and male. 'Witnesses' can tend to stifle a violent person's tendency to 'act out'. Not always though, so even if you have someone there, do NOT open the door.

And notify the police that you are legally telling a violent man to leave and that he is no longer allowed in your home.

If OP changes the locks he’ll just kick the door in.

I was actually asking because if she was disabled an escape plan might not be possible and it would probably be best to call the police to extract her.

Anyone else really worried about OP now? It's been hours since she updates. Hope everything is ok

OP does he have access to your home ? Are you safe? Who is staying with you to support you ?

No amount of Money cannot replace a life

This is what I have referred to in the many threads like this. A man capable of smashing his wife's face in is not going to be put off by a new lock.

I only started reading this post this evening and I felt sick when I realised @Mindyourownbusinessmadam hasn't posted since this morning. I hope she's OK

@Gawjus nice choice of words for someone in this kind of predicament

I’m wondering about drugs ie him taking and also dealing them. That could explain the behaviour at least in part, and the OPs reluctance to involve the police.

@Mindyourownbusinessmadam please please update it's extremely worrying that you have not updated since taking the dog out I'm getting the awful feeling that he has gotten his claws back into you just as you were on the verge of escaping him

Next time he could kill go. Contact Women's Aid. Have someone with you when you tell him to leave. He is vile and a bully why would you even want someone like that. Your self esteem must be rock bottom if you'd prefer to have a vile violent scum live with you rather than live alone. If you allow him to stay I expect we'll be reading he's killed you in the newspaper soon. That's how serious it is.

Thanks again everyone. I'm ok, I'm just so gutted its come to this. He has been messaging me all day which I have ignored but hasn't apologised at all. Just blaming me for the argument as usual.i didnt reply to his messages.

He is due home soon and I will be out. I have bagged his stuff up and left it with the neighbour. He doesnt have keys but has guessed his stuff will be packed up.He was saying that if I chuck him out he will have to sleep rough untill he gets paid tomorrow. I have lots to sort out with money and don't know what to do. I've been to sad to sort that stuff today.

I am going to read all your replies now. Thanks again I truly appreciate it.

So relieved you've posted. Have you called the police? You must do that before he hurts you or the next person. This is a dangerous time. Please contact Women's Aid. Make an application for UC asap. You should be able to get an advance that will see you through to first payment. Police above all else though because this won't end otherwise. Well done for keeping going

So relieved to hear back from you! Also boo hoo he has to sleep rough that's his own damn fault for being an abusive cunt!

@Gawjus RTFT and thank your lucky stars you are not trying to escape a violent, controlling, abusive psychopath. Jesus Christ.

Kick him out. Immediately.

Deal with the financials after and although it won't always be easier you will be safer and happier than living with such an abusive man.

What will he do next time?

Get out, please.

OP please contact the police and Women's Aid. It is not clear that changing the locks will be enough to keep you safe. You could also do a Clare's Law request to see if he has previous - it's almost inevitable he will have.

https://clares-law.com/

You are obviously not ready to call the police but please please please consider it, I'm not sure how Claires law works as I have never had to use it, but think about it and look into it as you could save the next partner he has.
Also if he turns up you could always give him a bed for the night in a police cell.
Keep safe and remember one of us will always have an answer to any of your questions and we are always here to chat to.
Stay safe xx

Continue to ignore him OP he's trying to bully and emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him by saying he'll have to sleep rough he will find somewhere to go his type always do and he should have thought about that before he was an abusive cunt to you! The fact he has blamed it all on you and not even apologised says it all really, he has no remorse for what he's done and clearly thinks his behaviour is acceptable. My dad was and is still the same DV abusers normally follow the same script its always everyone else's fault they behave the way they do and poor them they've been through so much so their victims should put up and shut up with their behaviour. Also be prepared for this cunt to make himself the victim in this.

Please keep all and any abusive messages he sends you OP as that can be used as evidence and please call the police and report him as other posters advised because this is a dangerous time for you because whilst you've been so strong in getting rid of him DV abusers are at their most dangerous when their partners leave as they can't handle losing the control they had over their partner and will resort to any means they can to regain that control. In your ex's mind its "how dare you take my power" away" and that is what this is all about him having complete power and control over you. It took my mother 4 years to get my dad to leave her alone after she left him he used the courts, police, social services and any agency he could to get at my mum she had to change our phone number about 3 times and it took a judge threatening to send my dad to prison for what he did before that fucker gave up and left us alone and only because he realised he went too far and pissed off the judge. Also get an in injunction to prevent him coming anywhere near you although I don't like those pieces of paper as they often break them anyway it goes in yoie favour and shows how dangerous he is.

ArrabellaScott great minds x