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Original poster

He's gone quiet after sex

279 replies

Forfucksake84 · 24/07/2024 22:35

I've been on 3 dates with a guy I met online, and on the last date we slept together. He had been very consistent in his messages up until then with 'how was your day' type texts. The night after we had sex he texted saying he couldn't wait to see me again and I replied the next day asking when he was free. He said he was free this weekend and that I would have to let him know which day was best. (This was sunday) I didn't hear anything else from him like I usually would so I text him on Tuesday asking how his day was and letting him know that my children were ill and that I would have to confirm about the weekend if he still wants to meet up. He replied saying he still does and that we should just play it by ear re the children. So I said I would let him know. I've still not heard anything else from him...his communication level has definitely dropped off since Sunday morning...despite him seeming keen beforehand. What should my next move be?

OP posts:
Bustedpoon · 27/07/2024 14:52

Soon as his dick starts twitching he'll be back on.

taylorswift1989 · 27/07/2024 15:00

Sorry OP. He got what he wanted, now he wants to just keep you hanging on for those times when he hasnt got someone else. I'd block him

the number of pp saying he's vulnerable and whatnot... seriously? No wonder so many women end up in horrible relationships with shit men. If you believe that shite, you'll believe anything.

PicklesPiper · 27/07/2024 15:06

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 14:49

I just said. No worries. Hope you feel better soon. I definitely won't message him again

From experience, I made the mistake of messaging my ex to say happy birthday when he was giving me the silent treatment. He messaged a cold reply back. I replied back with a plain text and wish I hadn't bother. I didn't hear from him for weeks until I bumped into him on a night out and he ended up pulling me back in.

It's a cruel game these types of men play, they want their egos stroked to know that you are yearning them. It's how trauma bonding starts - you are wanting it to go back to how things started, you are wanting to believe that love conquers all and that the arsehole is not the real guy. This is who he is. If you get any further in, you will regret it. He doesn't want you, he doesn't care. It's all a fun game to him.

Block him and move on. Not one single person is worth this crap. Love thyself enough to do and realise this.

fantasycake · 27/07/2024 15:24

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 13:05

Tbh the most hurtful thing is that it's made me question myself. Whether there's something unattractive/gross/boring about me that put him off...as he was initially very keen. Or am I just crap in bed. It's not really about him. I was enjoying dating him and liked him physically but wasn't sure he was long term relationship material myself. I would have continued seeing him to see where things went as this is the most dating action I've had in a year since being single. It certainly does nothing for the self esteem when someone goes cold on you, and I would feel like this whether I'd slept with him or not

Do NOT make this about you and that there is something wrong with you. If you google your scenario of a guy ghosting after sex or even after a few dates there are thousands and thousands of posts about it online - it's incredibly common. There cant be something seriously wrong with everyone - it says everything about him and nothing whatsoever about you.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 27/07/2024 15:45

Don’t question yourself, you might not be right together but don’t say words like unattractive/gross/boring about yourself or you’ll start feeling like that.
Get your favourite tunes on, pick yourself up and carry on with your day. Let him do him and you do you… it was 3 dates, you can get over this quickly - don’t doubt yourself !

Doesn’t sound like he blew your socks off either by the way !

SallyWD · 27/07/2024 16:40

It's not you!
First of all, maybe he genuinely is ill. If he's really not interested it could be for many reasons. Maybe he's a player who pursues women until he gets sex. Maybe he was dating several women at once.

Dressinggowntime · 27/07/2024 16:47

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 13:05

Tbh the most hurtful thing is that it's made me question myself. Whether there's something unattractive/gross/boring about me that put him off...as he was initially very keen. Or am I just crap in bed. It's not really about him. I was enjoying dating him and liked him physically but wasn't sure he was long term relationship material myself. I would have continued seeing him to see where things went as this is the most dating action I've had in a year since being single. It certainly does nothing for the self esteem when someone goes cold on you, and I would feel like this whether I'd slept with him or not

This is one of the reasons I say don’t sleep with them early on. There’s a high chance they’ll ghost or do a fade after sex. A good percentage of these types will not wait for sex so if you don’t they’ll disappear and you won’t be left feeling quite so battered. The ones that are super keen will wait and there’s a better chance of it working out. I don’t think you’d feel quite as shit if you hadn’t slept with him

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2024 16:51

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 14:49

I just said. No worries. Hope you feel better soon. I definitely won't message him again

Good. You will move on from this, wiser. Good luck.

Imanidiotiknow2 · 27/07/2024 17:41

hang on OP - instead of focussing on what you think may have been wrong with you (there's is nowt wrong with you by the way ) ask yourself this - was he amazing in bed? did he blow your socks off? was he really that special ? or was he he just a half decent guy that had shown some interest? stop putting him on a pedastool! He's an arse!

Blackthorne · 27/07/2024 18:33

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 14:49

I just said. No worries. Hope you feel better soon. I definitely won't message him again

That still sounds a bit too nice in my view.

Dicks like these are only motivated by a sense of loss.

He knew he could have you eating out of his hand this weekend if he wanted to. And sex on a plate where he’s already had that meal recently isn’t enticing.

By being meek and available you’re not that exciting to him. The thrill of the chase has disappeared. Some men like enigmatic unavailable women that seem to view them as an afterthought. They want to fight for the prize.

Suffice to say you’re the normal one and he’s got real issues. If you want to date a player you need to be prepared to play but it’s a lot of mind games and not very healthy!

Alwaystimeforacupoftea · 27/07/2024 18:47

@Blackthorne if that's the case, and the man is put off by the OP's niceness, he's not the right person for her! Who wants to pretend to be mean to attract silly men?

OP, I had a case like this when online dating, I didn't even sleep with the guy, just went for a date or two after months of interest, it became clear he was keeping me around as a back-up but with no pressing interest, trying to book a time to 'go to his for dinner' (sex), but the texting/quietness thing was just the same, I just let him know I wasn't interested. Hot and cold doesn't float my boat, it makes me anxious and stressed.

It's not you, he's not right for you.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 18:54

Imanidiotiknow2 · 27/07/2024 17:41

hang on OP - instead of focussing on what you think may have been wrong with you (there's is nowt wrong with you by the way ) ask yourself this - was he amazing in bed? did he blow your socks off? was he really that special ? or was he he just a half decent guy that had shown some interest? stop putting him on a pedastool! He's an arse!

To be fair he was quite good in bed. But that might be because I was sex deprived (hadn't had it for a year). I did enjoy it but maybe the feeling wasn't mutual. He didn't strike me as a player....39 year old single dad who had his kids a lot. Also told me had a pacemaker! And was on crutches for our first and second dates due to a dislocated knee. But I suppose it takes it all sorts. He did put 'casual dates' on his bumble profile so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised....

OP posts:
lasagneforteatime · 27/07/2024 19:39

If he's put he's looking for casual dates on his dating profile he will probably be chatting to other women and may have other dates lined up.

Don't take it personally OP. I know it's disappointing but a lot of people on theses sites (men and women) just want casual sex and then move on or have a few fuck buddies. No judgement by the way, each to their own.

Hope you manage to have a good weekend OP

Blackthorne · 27/07/2024 19:54

Well that adds a bit more to the story. Pacemaker at 39? And crutches and bad knee. He sounds like even more of a liability.

OP do yourself a favour and find a fit bloke with less physical and mental baggage.

Bustedpoon · 27/07/2024 19:56

Blackthorne · 27/07/2024 19:54

Well that adds a bit more to the story. Pacemaker at 39? And crutches and bad knee. He sounds like even more of a liability.

OP do yourself a favour and find a fit bloke with less physical and mental baggage.

Bit of a drip fizzle! He's probably been in the wars again.

SamW98 · 27/07/2024 19:59

Forfucksake84 · 27/07/2024 18:54

To be fair he was quite good in bed. But that might be because I was sex deprived (hadn't had it for a year). I did enjoy it but maybe the feeling wasn't mutual. He didn't strike me as a player....39 year old single dad who had his kids a lot. Also told me had a pacemaker! And was on crutches for our first and second dates due to a dislocated knee. But I suppose it takes it all sorts. He did put 'casual dates' on his bumble profile so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised....

Show quote history

I’ll be honest I’m surprised at his age - I was thinking mid 20’s by your posts

And tbh anyone putting ‘casual dates’ isn’t looking for anything other than hook ups and no strings sex. Definitely not relationship material.

Choochoo21 · 27/07/2024 20:26

This won’t be anything about you.

Most men don’t ghost women after sex, especially if there’s a chance for more sex in the future.

Not many men would choose not to meet up the following weekend if they are likely to be guaranteed sex.

He texted you afterwards saying what a great time he had and he made it clear he wanted to see you again - he obviously enjoyed himself.
If he was ghosting you then he wouldn’t have bothered with all that.

He may be already in a relationship or have commitment issues or feel you’re not that into him.
Or he may be completely genuine.

Don’t think this is personal.

CareerChange24 · 27/07/2024 20:27

Forfucksake84 · 24/07/2024 22:43

It's just the fact that he used to text me daily and now I'm not hearing from him

I honestly think people may think I’m over dramatic but when someone just stops messaging I consider it mind games and it’s really hard to not let it play on your mind!

GoldFrame · 27/07/2024 20:44

Many many men do indeed ghost women after sex

taylorswift1989 · 27/07/2024 20:45

Sorry OP but he told you he was only looking for something casual. So you can't really blame him for treating you so... casually.

I'm sure he likes you and enjoyed the time with you - I really wouldn't let it knock your confidence. He doesn't want anything more than casual sex so that's how he's approaching this. It's not anything against you.

Sidebeforeself · 27/07/2024 20:51

Didn’t you both get what you wanted though? A nice lead up to sex - which you said was good - and no expectation either side? Isn’t this just both of you dipping your toe in the water , so to speak? I don’t think either of you have done anything wrong . It was just a nice time

Blackthorne · 27/07/2024 21:13

No doubt he’ll be back. These sorts always try their luck. What a head fuck. Try and stay strong OP. Don’t let him hurt you again.

I had someone ghost me and then few months later he called up and said he’d been “feeling introspective” as the reason for not being in touch. He wanted to meet up again. Fuck that.

I pretty much put the phone down.

SamW98 · 27/07/2024 21:57

Blackthorne · 27/07/2024 21:13

No doubt he’ll be back. These sorts always try their luck. What a head fuck. Try and stay strong OP. Don’t let him hurt you again.

I had someone ghost me and then few months later he called up and said he’d been “feeling introspective” as the reason for not being in touch. He wanted to meet up again. Fuck that.

I pretty much put the phone down.

They’re shameless. I went on one date with a bloke last year and he ghosted me afterwards.

Then randomly 2 Saturdays ago he messaged me asking what I was doing that evening. I replied ‘who’s this’ and he replied lol. I just didn’t reply and an hour later he sent ?????

I was actually out with my friends that Saturday so waited til about 11 pm (he messaged about 5) then just replied ‘I'm out’

Probably fancied a booty call and going through his list of WhatsApp numbers

SallyWD · 27/07/2024 22:00

GoldFrame · 27/07/2024 20:44

Many many men do indeed ghost women after sex

Why is this though? I don't understand. If all they want is sex, they'd get more sex by staying with the woman!

Mls1984btc · 27/07/2024 22:06

SallyWD · 27/07/2024 22:00

Why is this though? I don't understand. If all they want is sex, they'd get more sex by staying with the woman!

Show quote history

Notch in the bedpost!