He's gone quiet after sex

[Forfucksake84]

I've been on 3 dates with a guy I met online, and on the last date we slept together. He had been very consistent in his messages up until then with 'how was your day' type texts. The night after we had sex he texted saying he couldn't wait to see me again and I replied the next day asking when he was free. He said he was free this weekend and that I would have to let him know which day was best. (This was sunday) I didn't hear anything else from him like I usually would so I text him on Tuesday asking how his day was and letting him know that my children were ill and that I would have to confirm about the weekend if he still wants to meet up. He replied saying he still does and that we should just play it by ear re the children. So I said I would let him know. I've still not heard anything else from him...his communication level has definitely dropped off since Sunday morning...despite him seeming keen beforehand. What should my next move be?

He messaged this morning asking how my weekend was. I replied after I'd finished work saying it was good thanks and yours, how are you feeling?
He has replied saying it was ok, still feeling shattered. How was work?
I don't know what he's playing at. Plus he's stopped putting x's at the end of his messages

I don't know what he's playing at.

I do. He had sex with you which he enjoyed. He doesn't want to date you or embark on a relationship with you. However, he also doesn't want to ditch you completely, because he sees it as he's now put the work in with you, so he'll send you the random friendly text to keep you hanging around. Then, when he hasn't got another date lined up or he's feeling a bit down or bored, he'll take it up a notch with the texting, and try to get you to agree to another bout.

He isn't behaving very well, but tbh OP, he did make this clear on his dating profile, that he only wants casual. He probably thinks that's okay with you since you went out with him and slept with him despite knowing that information.

It's not that complicated, OP. He likes you enough to have sex with you but he isn't into you otherwise.

What are you playing at OP?

Seriously, you're giving just as many mixed messages as he is.

If you're still interested in seeing him, then either pick up the phone or send him a message saying "Look, I'm not sure what's going on here, things seem to have gone a bit weird since we had sex. Are you still interested in me, if so let's set a date to meet up, otherwise let's just go our separate ways."

Your tiptoeing around, and neither of you seems to have a clue what's going on.

He wants to keep you on the back burner for more casual sex while he looks for someone he prefers, that's why he is still non committal texting.

Treat em mean keep em keen. Basic

@Forfucksake84

Healthy relationships involve no effort in 'working out what the other person thinks/feels', because they communicate it to you, and they care about making sure you've got the right end of the stick.

It's not a wildlife documentary, where you're watching something in its natural habitat, and trying to figure out the purpose of its behaviours.

Why all the puzzling? 'This bloke baffles me' should be enough to realise he's not your guy, and yet you continue to fixate.

please don't do this! are you still interested in me? don't ask that. surely you can't still be interested in him!! he's shown you he's immature and by the sounds of it he wants something casual and you don't. stop being an option for this bloke

Don't do this OP. You're not giving any mixed messages at all. He knows you still like him, otherwise you would have blocked him by now. He knows he could still have you anytime he wants you - that's what the lame texts are for, just to keep you hanging on for when he decides he wants another round with you. You sending him a message like this will get the following response: 'yes, I've just been busy and had a lot on my mind' - and he'll be smug in the knowledge that you really like him and he won't have to make any effort at all to keep you hanging around.

I'm sorry, I know it sounds harsh but for your own sake, OP, the best thing to do here is ignore him completely. Block him and move on.

Hardball is the only way now. Just ignore him and move onto the next. There's plenty more tosspots out there.

He's relegating you to booty call, refuse to participate.

He's odd and very very casual. For the reply about work I'd write "Same as ever"

And leave it at that.

Or not bother at all. I think in this instance I'd just not bother and see what happens. If he's genuinely interested, he'll text again as he'll want to to know why you haven't responded. In the same way you texted, when he hadn't been in touch.

He's so casual to garner any interest you'll need to be even less keen than he is.

It's become a game. Is it worth it though? You're not on the same page.

You want someone who will be more available and commit more readily than this, yes? Someone who is a genuine match.

So don't reply and see what happens... let us know! If he texts again, or not!

It's a test of his interest, look at it that way. If you don't hear back, you know.

If you do, then it's more game-playing by the looks of things. If he was so keen before he had sex, he may become keen again, once he thinks sex is off the cards again, because you've gone quiet.

It's all quite silly.

Not something I'd want in my 30s and beyond.

OP, do get yourself back on the dating apps if you can face it and find someone else to distract you. You really do deserve better. You sound like you're ready and willing to meet the right person. You've kissed a frog, but sometimes we have to, to get to the prince. Don't give up, there's someone out there that's right for you. Men like this make me so angry because they destabilise your self-worth if you let it. But don't. You're better than this silly game playing. Save your heart for someone who genuinely cares. He's out there somewhere.

He’s keeping you sweet in case he fancies a repeat performance.

If you’re happy to be a casual shag then that’s all good but if you want more then don’t respond any more.

He's being casual like he said on his profile.

Just delete, block, move on @Forfucksake84

And don’t pick anyone else with casual in their profile if that’s not what you want.

Going against the grain here - any chance he was actually ill? It does happen you know! Maybe he just needed a quiet weekend, was feeling a bit rubbish, wants to take things slowly.
Anyway, it's up to you OP. I certainly don't think you should have high hopes for this one but you could also see how it goes (whilst maintaining low expectations!).

I don't think he's done anything wrong in that he said he wanted 'casual, fun dates' on his profile, and his behaviour is consistent with that. He didn't put long-term relationship or marriage, he wants to date you, date others, have fun dates and that's what he said.

If you want it to turn into an exclusive relationship he'd need to be on board with that and that isn't how he started out.

I don't think he's gone off you, I think he's happy to date you in a casual way.

If that's not for you, move on now i think.

Personally I’d say the fact he’s not contacted her all weekend, not even a text, probably shows it wasn’t genuine and more likely he’s been with someone else.

Unless he was bedridden if he was keen he’d have found a few minutes to get in touch over the weekend not wait till Monday

It’s all down to what you want. If you want Romance, love, someone that adores you, you’re not getting that here. In fact you could be damaging your chances of ever achieving that by allowing him the headspace and energy you currently are. If you’re happy being someone’s ’I might shag again if I’m bored’ then keep engaging with him.

It was a bit of a drip feed to not mention the casual thing at the start, because a lot of the early replies (mine included) went off the basis that this guy misled you suggesting he wanted a relationship until you slept together and then went cold.

I think his communication still leaves a lot to be desired personally (ie i think it’s possible and - actually quite important - to be able to have open and direct conversations in casual (ie sex-onl, or without commitment anyway) relationship). What’s certain is that him openly stating his desire for casual does somewhat change the parameters here in terms of what you can logically and reasonably expect.

I think the other comment here which suggests being better at being clear yourself about what you want - and the limits of what you’re prepared to accept - going into dates - will be helpful. If you’re unsure what someone means by casual - clarify it on first meeting - or before. A respectful, mature person will have no issue setting these parameters for you. There’s no point going into anything with someone who wants less than what you want. They won’t change their mind and it’s a recipe for disaster.

He’s breadcrumbing you. Cut him off, protect your pride

This is so right. But the last bit he's not into you. Doubt he even has sight of that after a 17 year relationship. He wants sex (don't we all :) no strings cause he cant promise anything to anyone. So not at all about you OP.

If he keeps in touch, breadcrumbs to keep you warm, you could jokingly ask is this casual ??

No updates OP? Did you break and reply?

Just some very basic low effort chat thst hasn't lead anywhere. Was just curious to see what he said. I also found him on tinder and it said he was looking for 'new friends ' and he'd put in his bio that he was looking for someone to get to know and spend time with. Does this also equal sex? He could have just put short term fun...

@Forfucksake84 I would read that as 'casual', he didn't say looking for long-term relationship, he means he's happy to meet up, make new friends, have sex as the opportunity arises, and if anything develops further, so be it. He doesn't sound like he's looking for a serious long-term relationship at this stage, and given he's not that interested I'd block and move on, perhaps clarify what you want.

Men saying they want 'new friends' is a lie- he doesn't want a new friend called Gary whose 50 and wants to go cycling, does he? He means be friends with and have sex with new women- that's what he did with you, he's keeping in low pressure touch afterwards and seeing what else is out there.