Would you let husband play golf every Saturday?

[oviewan]

I say every Saturday as that is what it feels like. It's just what I know since being with my husband.

At first it didn't bother me too much, we would fall out now and again as I guess I felt like it took priority. He explained that he works so much that it is his respite and he needed to have that release.

But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.

When they were a baby, I didn't mind much. There had been times though that he still went to golf if I had been poorly or up or night which again, made us argue.

I am a stay at home mum, so I feel like I'm on the fence here. Should he get every Saturday to go and play golf? He leaves 7-8am and isn't usually home until 3ish.

Or should he be spending the weekend with his family? I just don't know any other father who does this. But then, I am lucky to stay at home which is what I want to do. I hardly get any respite myself; but apparently it's different...

What are your thoughts?

I wouldn't be happy with DH doing this or any other hobby, but we currently spend almost all our weekends together as a family of 4 and I really enjoy that family time. The dcs and I enjoy his company and we'd miss him if it was just me and the kids. And of course it's a huge practical help, especially with 2 dc as he can be with one dc who might be interested in different things and I can take the other, and we can do things like swimming where I'd want one adult for each child.

I know other couples prefer to split some time away from family at the weekends and I'm sure when the dc are older they won't want to spend so much time with us anyway, but while they're young we are happiest making the most of weekends for family time before they get too old for it.

I'm 41 and we've been together 25 years, married for 12!
We've travelled the world together and had loads of tike together....we are at the beat stage in our lives where we can appreciate each other company, share a home, no trust issues, no arguments, both of us fet to spend time together and time apart.
Are you intimate with your flat mates? Says more about you than me. But I can say my relationship has lasted alot longer than alot of people's these days who are glued to the hip.

I wouldn’t be happy either - when ours with little the weekends were important for family time when we went out for days away exploring and doing fun stuff together. If DH or I had spent the majority of one of those days doing a hobby that would have really limited the time we had together and neither of us would have wanted that. They’re only little for a short time and before you know it they’ll be off with their friends at the weekends and that’s when the day long hobbies don’t matter so much.

You sound very like us ( golf and adhd) . When our kids were young I was resentful of DH spending a weekend day doing his hobby. We compromised as half a day a weekend home by 1 for the golf / cycling , also doing something as a family and some time out for me.
Now the youngest is 8 , they are much less hard work and DH does golf 2-3 times a week without it being an issue. He needs to know that he can’t do that with a young child.

My DH played golf a lot before we got married
When we had DS he cut down to one day at the weekend
I was absolutely fine with that
I tended to see my mum and my sisters and their DC

NO

I once saw a group of men on a golfing holiday i knew this because they kept stating it very loudly every five minutes board the same flight as me when I was a student. I said to myself that I'd never marry anyone who liked playing golf. So when DH said he hated golf I breathed a sigh of relief. He also hates football. He's almost perfection 🤣

You are both adults!

‘Letting’ - what an awful term.

Why would you as an adult be ‘letting’ another adult do anything?

I would hate to be in a relationship where I had to be allowed to do anything.

Compromise, yes. Time for him with time for you…yes. But permission not needed.

This.

Let? I can just imagine if a question from a man about ‘letting’ his wife do something was posted. Husbands and wives don’t ‘let’ their spouses do stuff. Or shouldn’t. There should be discussion about what each thinks and try to come to a negotiated conclusion. In an ideal world.
But yes, if my husband wanted to golf or fish or play football every Saturday, I’d think, he’s worked all week and is entitled to a hobby and some hours of fun . I’d hope he would also want to do some family stuff. 8 till 3 seems excessive. I live by a golf course and no one is playing golf for 7 hours. Tournament days sees golfers there in greater numbers and for longer because they are in the clubhouse afterwards, probably longer than on the course.
With a 3 year old, you’ll soon have plenty of respite as they go to nursery and then school and you will miss her being home.

So there should be room for some negotiation but personally , I’d let him play …and you still have Sundays for family, presumably . I rarely give a popular opinion though

When he gets back on a Saturday, you go out for 5/6 hours. He can do dinner. He can do bath & bedtime. He can clear up.
You get home & eat the dinner he's left for you, nice bath or shower. And you get a good night's sleep whilst he does all the night wakes, plus you get a lie in on Sunday.
Then the rest of Sunday is family time.
That sounds a bit fairer.

No wonder the child doesn’t sleep through. I’d put bed time back a half hour to an hour, then you have a bit more time to play..he is back at 3 so plenty of time to go to a park or go teach to swim or whatever activities are in reach.

“But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.”

“Or should he be spending the weekend with his family?”

Your contradicting yourself, your saying you don’t want him golfing every weekend because he has a son at home but then in the next breath you’re suggesting you both leave him and have a day off. Which is probably more the issue, you resent being at home while he isn’t. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a day to yourself sometimes. I’m assuming DH had this hobby before the baby arrived? I don’t think people should give up their hobby’s just because they become a parent however both parents (if they want it) deserve time to themselves

I’d be fine with it. As long as you also get 6 hours to yourself on a Sunday. Doesn’t have to be a sporty hobby- visit your friends, go shopping, whatever you like. The trouble with these men is that they don’t see looking after children as work. He’ll see things differently if you increase your expectations of him.

My husband played every Saturday until recently as we are due our second baby and he’s acknowledged it will be too much for me on my own. I’ve never had an issue with it previously and if I did he would have stopped playing as often.

He works hard and is a very hands on dad, I don’t begrudge it one bit

Wow, how does your child feel about not spending time with their father?

No, absolutely not okay. Once a month would be okay if you get a day to yourself once a month, too.

Golf wife here too… use it to your advantage. If he wants to play all Saturday he takes DC all Sunday and you get to do something you want to do!! Or he makes up for it during the week, or plays very early so he is home for the afternoon etc.

He is not likely to give up golf so he has to compromise on making something work for you too. Also get DC involved so in a few years he can take him every Saturday and then you’ve got the day to yourself.

DH has been doing this for 25 years, he’ll stay home if I ask him but generally just gets in the way. When DDs were little I used to take them to Tesco for breakfast and then to the library, it was our time.
Don’t really have an issue with this.. also I don’t “allow” him to do anything. We both do what we want, each with consideration for the other.

I couldn't be with someone who played golf ever. Never met an interesting golfer, it's one of the most boring sports ever. When the objective is to play the game as little as possible to score the most points, you kind of think that even they don't find it interesting 😂

My partner unfortunately only started playing golf around 2 years ago. He plays Monday nights when he’s in the office in the summer after work and isn’t back until gone 10pm (2 hour drive away to his office) and then maybe pops to the driving range every other week (on a week day) and then a Saturday golf day once a month. He was going every week and I had enough and told him it’s selfish to leave me with the kids (6&2) and he stopped and does once a month on a weekend. Definitely better

Haven’t read the whole thread, OP, but have read your updates. I don’t understand why you have to make dinner… Why can’t your DH sort DD’s dinner and put her to bed? That gives you a (short!) break and him time with your DD. No reason why he shouldn’t sort dinner for the two of you too; he’s had his fun day — once he gets home, it’s your turn to relax…

I think it’s fair. You get a day off in the week to yourself, so why can’t he? As the breadwinner of the family, I can’t begin to convey the stress it causes so is absolutely love to have a few hours on a weekend guaranteed for me! Do you have any hobbies he could/does support ?

Just sounds like another entitled knob who thinks golf is more important than his family and that his time is more important than his wife’s time, pretty common with the menchild folk of today I’m afraid

The word "let" is a bad choice. I don't "let" DH do anything, he's an adult and he does what he chooses.

I wouldn't be happy with every Saturday. Some, fine. But not every one.

I noticed you posted asking what about if grandparents had the child and you both got a day "off". Is that something you want? Both of you get every Saturday to yourself? Or do you want the family time?

It all boils down to what makes all of you the most happy. I wouldn't see anything wrong with a mixture of things. So:

1. One Saturday he plays golf while you have your DD
2. One Saturday grandparents have your DD and you two have some time together
3. One Saturday you have a family day
4. One Saturday grandparents take your DD and you both have some alone time.

Or something like that. He's still getting his hobby, you get some respite, you all get some time together.

But try not to sound like you're his keeper who "lets" him out to play.