Would you let husband play golf every Saturday?

[oviewan]

I say every Saturday as that is what it feels like. It's just what I know since being with my husband.

At first it didn't bother me too much, we would fall out now and again as I guess I felt like it took priority. He explained that he works so much that it is his respite and he needed to have that release.

But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.

When they were a baby, I didn't mind much. There had been times though that he still went to golf if I had been poorly or up or night which again, made us argue.

I am a stay at home mum, so I feel like I'm on the fence here. Should he get every Saturday to go and play golf? He leaves 7-8am and isn't usually home until 3ish.

Or should he be spending the weekend with his family? I just don't know any other father who does this. But then, I am lucky to stay at home which is what I want to do. I hardly get any respite myself; but apparently it's different...

What are your thoughts?

Do you get a break on Sunday I hope so. My sister seems ok with it but then she 6 days on go with kids. Not fair. Make sure to take some time for yourself op even cinema with friend.

But you are supposed to change after you have kids, doesn’t everyone’s priority’s change once they have a child? I used to go out clubbing at the weekends, I don’t do that anymore because I have kids 🤷‍♀️ and I’m sure OPs life has changed since she had her child. It is reasonable for her to expect him to prioritise the child they made together over his hobby.

Why would OP be sorting dinner when her husband had been out most of the day enjoying himself 🤣

'@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · Today 09:23
She spends her days looking after the home and the child, hardly 'free time' you can spend relaxing- are you even a parent yourself to say such nonsense?'

Where did I say that she was spending her time 'relaxing' every day or that this was 'free time'?

Nowhere...

The point of my comment is that if you have only one bread winner then unfortunately you have less power to dictate what they can do with their free time.

It is not unreasonable for someone who works all week to want to keep a hobby at the weekend.

As I also said in my comment it would be also perfectly reasonable for the OP to also get time for herself and get her own hobby while her partner looks after the children.

It is healthy for both partners to try to keep some outside interests/friends rather than only have a life that revolves around work and kids. Of course I completely understand this is a juggling act.

OP your hobby could be sitting in a coffee shop reading a book. The point is that you get time alone, your child gets to spend time with her father and your husband gets to see what it's like being parent for a few hours

Oh, another person wh oi not a parent on 'mumsnet'?
My work is easier than looking agfter two kids and the house!
I dont know a single parent who finds childcare, cooking and cleaning 'relaxing'.

I wonder if her husband would like to swap roles- and then OP could spend weekends 'relaxing' as he continues to do the stuff around the house. For some reason I think it could be an eye opening experience.

My partner plays football every Saturday, he's out of the house from around 12-5/6pm. I don't love it tbh but it's a massive passion of his and he's done it throughout his whole life and he's a massively hands-on dad to our 7 month old the rest of the week, he even alternates nights with me despite working full time. So that's why I try and suck it up and compromise. We make Sunday our day to laze around or have a day out

I used to work 5 12 hour shifts a week before having kids, and it was a breeze compared to being a sahm this 24/7, your always on call. No way would my partner want to swap with me, he knows what it’s like because we used to work round each other, he worked 4 days and I worked 3, we where both burnt out so I stopped working and he upped his hours. I’m so glad we did that though because now he knows how hard it is, i think a lot of men don’t, they think being a sahm is some kind of holiday.

Lol there is literally a section on here for the child free and plenty of men comment.

This isn't just for mums who think they have it hard.

I'm someone that found being a SAHM preferable to working and I loved my job. I know it greatly depends on the kids and other things like if you are healthy and have enough cash etc but generally speaking being able to hang out with your kids is much nicer than working. Although for me a combination of both was the best.
My husband worked way harder than I did and I was and am grateful to him. Yes the baby years are tiring but so it gettting up and having to be somewhere every working day.
I had four kids close in age but I know I was lucky in that they were easy kids. I had a close friend with a kid who wasn't NT and she found it extremely hard for a good few years.

I'm glad he's listened to you and has agreed to compromise but no, I wouldn't like this.
I think you said he works away sometimes too. Does he take over with your toddler for a bit when he comes home from work, or have any solo parenting times at all?

Going against the grain here, I wouldn't mind this personally. In my last relationship I was completely stifled and felt I couldn't do anything that was important to me because my partner always wanted me with him. This left me with lasting scars and I now feel it's important that people should be able to pursue their passions, despite being in a relationship. We are more than partners and parents - we're also individuals with interests outside the relationship. I think it's very healthy to have something you can do for yourself. If this is something your DH has always done and it really is important to his mental health I'd let him do it.
My DH has a hobby (a passion/obsession!) and I just let him get on with it. It involves full days out, sometimes nights away. However, it has to feel fair, there has to be give and take. It won't work if you feel like you're always left holding the baby while he goes off and has fun. So yes, I'm fine with my DH pursuing his hobby but it's because I also get to do what I'm passionate about. I often go to gigs on my own or have days out with friends. I'm away this weekend with friends from Friday to Monday. Last month I went to London for the day with my friend. I feel that DH has fun without us but I do too!

I don't see anything wrong with DH playing golf each Saturday, as long as OP has the time off, as she said earlier in the thread, with her child going to her parents for the duration.

So during the week, DH works and OP does childcare and housework/chores
Saturday they both get the day off, DH playing golf, OP having free time to do whatever she wishes whilst her child is with grandparents
Sundays they spend the day together as a family.

Seems a well balanced week to me, with a fairly even split of responsibility, plus each parent having a chunk of downtime.

By saying the breadwinner has more power to dictate what they can do with their free time is under valuing the work of stay at home parents, especially in the case of OP who does all the night shift with a baby. What kind of work will be so hard that involves constant sleep deprivation? A baby waking up throughout the night. You realise they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture? What kind of husband will think it's on to "pursue" his hobby for his "mental health" when his wife has not had any quality sleep for a whole week so he can go and win the bread?

I don't think OP is opposed to a hobby, but one that doesn't take priority over the family (e.g. when she was sick and needed help).

OP has a 3 year old (presumably at nursery at least part time) who should be sleeping through the night, not a newborn needing night feeds.

I honestly don't see why the weekend split can't be one day where both OP and her DH are free to do what they wish (in his case golf, in her case whatever she fancies whilst her parents look after their child), and one day where they have a family day.

A SAHM with one 3 year old should easily have time to keep on top of the day to day housework during the working week whilst her DH is out earning their money, so the weekend should be for leisure time, both independently and as a family.

I'd just like to add that no, she doesn't attend childcare. I am her childcare. And she is still breastfeeding/wakes up numerous times in the night. She has never slept through.

My DH is a golfer. He rarely plays at a weekend.

also 18 holes only takes 4 hours at a push.

id expect him to be teeing off at 7am and being home for midday for family time if it continues.

id also expect a lie in myself every Sunday.

I don’t “let” my husband do anything as he does not “let “ me, we are not each others parent.

Yes is t it just. Mine started when DS was a toddler but strangely have most of it up once DS was 6/7 and weekends became easier.

He plays 1/2 days a week and you get 1 day doing your thing a month?

If that works for you that’s great. He’s getting the better deal IMO.

I think I missed the post saying OP’s parents would be happy giving up 1 day every weekend to look after DGC, did I?

My dh plays every Saturday but he goes at 7am and is home by 12pm. The my kids are older so surface until late morning anyway.

@Sceptical123 Clearly you did. It was in OPs third post.

DH is an ardent golfer, and in the summer plays wednesday and friday evenings and then most of saturday or sunday depending on what day his golf friends are playing. Truthfully I don't mind at all because we work together and I enjoy the respite and more importantly we don't have young children. In the winter, he only plays one day at the weekend and I long for the summer again

Could he play after work instead leaving weekends free?

I honestly stay away from men who play golf for this reason could not be arsed!