Would you let husband play golf every Saturday?

[oviewan]

I say every Saturday as that is what it feels like. It's just what I know since being with my husband.

At first it didn't bother me too much, we would fall out now and again as I guess I felt like it took priority. He explained that he works so much that it is his respite and he needed to have that release.

But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.

When they were a baby, I didn't mind much. There had been times though that he still went to golf if I had been poorly or up or night which again, made us argue.

I am a stay at home mum, so I feel like I'm on the fence here. Should he get every Saturday to go and play golf? He leaves 7-8am and isn't usually home until 3ish.

Or should he be spending the weekend with his family? I just don't know any other father who does this. But then, I am lucky to stay at home which is what I want to do. I hardly get any respite myself; but apparently it's different...

What are your thoughts?

I wouldn’t mind every Saturday if it was only a few hours.

My husband plays golf and most weekends he'll play. We have two kids. 5 and 7 and he's been playing since they were babies. I honestly don't mind. He's happy and loves his passion and never objects to me taking a day to myself or objects to anything I do. I'll do a yoga day retreat or a spa day once a month for example. I would hate a man with no interests and no life outside the home. It would be such a turn off. We never take the piss and hsve zero resentment. Get a hobby don't take away his would be my advice.

My DH used to do this until we had 2 children then it became impossible to juggle activities.
It was ok. He used to take the earliest tee off possible so he would be home around 1. 3pm is taking the piss IMO.
I only worked part time and used to go out with friends or exercise in the evenings so it felt reasonably fair. It’s a balance.
I think time out from parenting is a really good thing generally as long as it’s equitable and not excessive

Tiger Woods has been playing golf since the age of 2. I vote he takes your child to golf with him and you get to sit at the club with a book or you get the day off! In all seriousness I do know a child who has been playing golf with his father since around 3/4 and is a very promising player at 9.

You booked a holiday and never considered asking your husband to go with you? My mind boggles at that. Surely that's not a marriage. It sounds like you spend no time together

I am a working mother and I have a high pressure corporate office job. Your husband is taking you for a ride with this needing half a day every weekend to "destress".

There are people with real mental health issues and there are people who use it as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Both my husband (also in corporate consulting) and myself think going to work is a "break" from childcaring. Being at work is easier because you at least are dealing with adults, you get to dress up, get out of the house, have stimulating conversations, go to the bathroom/have a coffee/have lunch in peace. You get some me time during travel to work especially if you use public transport.

Having children means you need to make some adjustments in your life. If work is so "stressful" that takes you away from family time, it is time to make changes to work by either setting firm boundaries or looking for another role that's better suited during early childhood years. I hope he doesn't put you down in the relationship because he's the one "bringing in the money".

Op, it sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to have great memories every week for your child. I think you need to be a little more selfish and make plans outside of being a wife and mother. Your husbands golfing doesn’t sound excessive, and I do think it’s important to have down time from work/ family stress. However, you also need that! Book I to have your hair or nails, a massage even, once a week - something just for you.

A round of golf shouldn't take more than about 4 hours. I don't think there is a problem with your DH going to play golf. Tell him to go out early at 9 and be back before 2 to give attention to your DC. I think it becomes a problem if he goes out at 9 and doesn't come back until after 2pm.

My DH plays every weekend but makes it a point to be home by lunch time. Kids are older so I don't mind as they hace activities sat am

I guess all the more reason for DH to be around on Sat wheb DC are small

Crikey. I know people that spend more time with their nail techinician than that. You won't get bored of each other, that's for sure!

DH and his dad go golfing, could he drop DD with his mum? No it's not going to make him lean in any more, and yes it's outsourcing responsibility to his mother, and I'm not in love with that aspect of it, but it would get you the break that you need on a Saturday and leave you with the family time you want on a Sunday.

And don't you dare spend Saturday catching up on the housework. You need to factor in a break for yourself, just like he does. His wellbeing doesn't take priorty over yours and SAHM is no picnic despite what he would like you to believe.

Yeah that doesn’t leave much time. 5 hours every weekend is pretty excessive especially since you’ve been caring for your child all week alone. I don’t know much about golf but can he play for a shorter time? Surely a round of golf doesn’t take 5 hours does it?

A more pertinent question would be why do women choose to have babies with men like this?

Op correct me if I’m wrong but your posts give the impression that your DD is a terrible sleeper but that you’re the only parent who gets up to her in the night. It’s all very well for him to say he needs to play golf for his mental health but broken sleep has a negative effect on mental and physical health. Does he care about that?

I think the entire relationship needs a reset. If he is not doing any night duty that needs to change. You should both have equal amounts of leisure time and you both need to compromise in order to achieve that. And equally, your DD needs a close bond with both her parents. Kids grow up and as they grow they notice when a parent has no time for them and would rather be doing other things. Your DD is not at that age yet so of course daddy can do no wrong. A lot of men seem to think that this continues forever. It doesn’t.

Id have a discussion about how you both want family life to look, both now and in 5, 10, 15 years and what you can do to achieve that. There have been great suggestions on here about him playing EOW or fewer holes or starting earlier. That’s a great place to start. But it’s not just about golf. Your health and your leisure time is also important and they need to be factors in the conversation

What is this about being glued to the hip and doing "boring" stuff? Is parenting your own kid "boring"? Is catching up on house chores together "boring"? That's adulting and called being a parent. Maybe divorces are happening because partners aren't pulling their weight and buggering off to do their own thing...to which some people think one day a week to be spent as a family is acceptable. In which case the family are just roommates if you don't want to genuinely spend time with each other and help each other out. The kids memory for weekends is dad going off going golfing on Saturdays and mum going off for ladies brunch on Sundays (if you tell OP to do her own thing equally).

It's very different to having a hobby like going to the gym. Gym there is flexibility, it's generally close to work or home so there's less travel involved. You can easily change to another time or class if kids are sick and OP needs help. OP's husband sounds pretty committed to golf and can't easily decline as he feels like letting down his dad, friends or team mates so everything has to revolve around his golf time. It's about compromises and working out how the hobby selected can work with balancing with family schedules. When the kids are older and more independent he can go back to his regular level of golfing.

My partner does this and I don't normally mind, but our child is older. When our child was 3, we both definitely needed the break of taking turns for a lie in each weekend day.

So you knew what he was like when you met and had a baby with him, honestly why did you think he would change?

If he said 'I am desperate for us to have a child and will give it up' sure

Well you are at home all week and he is the main breadwinner so actually I would expect a partner to be able to relax at the weekend and pursue their hobby.

I would suggest taking on a hobby yourself as well for your own mental and physical health and he can look after the kids while you do something you enjoy.

It really is not healthy for either of you if you entire life is just work and kids and nothing else.

Growing up my dad would play golf every weekend. My mum and I would hang out together/ hang out with her parents on the day he played golf. The other weekend day my mum would meet up with friends/ do her hobby or whatever she wanted and I would spend the day with my dad. Occasionally golf would be cancelled due to the weather or some weekends my mum didn’t have anything planned on her “children free day”. On these occasions we would spend the time together as a family.

it worked for them and they have been married for over 40 years now, they still are independent with their hobbies and interests but also still absolutely love spending time together too.

I think other people would want to spend the whole weekends together. I think it is dependent on what you and your family want life to look like as different people will have different opinions on this.

The child is 3. Will be at school next year so at that point OP has every day to herself. It isn't as if they both work. She'll have every weekday to pursue hobbies.

My DH and I stopped our weekend sport once DD arrived. I was NEVER going to be a mum at home alone whilst my DH swanned off for hours at the weekend.

My dad did that throughout our whole childhood and I knew I would never put up with that shit.

We each get two evenings in the week that we can make plans, and if a plan falls on the others day, you are responsible for sorting childcare. We both play sport on one evening each, and then go for dinner/drinks etc on the other days (but not every week).

Bu then it seems you are not really a couple, but flatmates? You have separate lives, go on holiday together, dont spend time together, so why even live together and be married?

She spends her days looking after the home and the child, hardly 'free time' you can spend relaxing- are you even a parent yourself to say such nonsense?

Mine golfed every Saturday...home by 1. Then I had the afternoon off. Sunday was our family day. It worked for us.. the dcs did drop and go activities Saturday morning so I used to meet friends for coffee.

The OP can go back to work full time in that case and then she'll have it as easy as her husband?