Would you let husband play golf every Saturday?

[oviewan]

I say every Saturday as that is what it feels like. It's just what I know since being with my husband.

At first it didn't bother me too much, we would fall out now and again as I guess I felt like it took priority. He explained that he works so much that it is his respite and he needed to have that release.

But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.

When they were a baby, I didn't mind much. There had been times though that he still went to golf if I had been poorly or up or night which again, made us argue.

I am a stay at home mum, so I feel like I'm on the fence here. Should he get every Saturday to go and play golf? He leaves 7-8am and isn't usually home until 3ish.

Or should he be spending the weekend with his family? I just don't know any other father who does this. But then, I am lucky to stay at home which is what I want to do. I hardly get any respite myself; but apparently it's different...

What are your thoughts?

Mine plays on sundays, but really early so he's back home before lunch time. This is an agreement we have come to, it doesn't impact the full day so we can still go somewhere in the afternoons.

I regularly play sports on week nights and haven't given these up since having a child, so I wouldn't want him to give up his hobbie either . It works well for us, but then again we are a sporting family so I might be more understanding than others would be.

He has said this to me before too. I have adhd and my hobbies don't tend to stick for long. I also am extremely shattered due to 3 year old never sleeping through! Unsure id have the energy for a hobby that was sporty anyway!

It needs to be a joint decision. Myself and my then husband both wanted to not stop our hobbies, so we didn't. He had golf on Saturdays, I had my sport on Sundays. Bout 6 hours each off. For us, there was still plenty of family time around that.

An adult doesn't need "permission" from their spouse to leave the house or enjoy a hobby. My husband does sports every Sunday - I've no issue with that, because then I enjoy a nice, quiet day on my own, and I do my stuff on other days/evenings. We all need our own, independent lives when we're married..... imagine how tedious it would be if couples did absolutely everything together?

If he has 8-3 on a Saturday, could you do something on a Sunday? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have a hobby but you should also get downtime.

I don't really understand your post with the dates - does it mean he's only playing 3 days in the next couple of months? If so I wouldn't have an issue with that.

Personally I'd be unhappy if it was every Saturday all day. My husband put his cricket on hold while the kids were little. He got back into it when they were older. It's just normal for parents to make those adjustments with a young family isn't it? You soon get the time back again.

But then we'd never spend time together as a family? If he was out on a Saturday and I was on a Sunday. What kind of life is that for our child? Family time growing up was amazing and I have such fond memories. I want to give that to our child.

I don't think I'm wrong in asking him to compromise here but maybe I am

So how often does he actually go?

This is what he's come back with after I had told him earlier about him going to golf every Saturday and how he needs to start thinking about compromising and spending time with us all as a family etc. he works away often and in the week he's very busy.

But he’s home by 3, if you come home by 3 on a Sunday you’d have the rest of the day to have family time

My suggestion is that you schedule your own plans from 7-3 on a Sunday. Let him take the DC for that period of time. After a while he will realise that looking after a child is ‘work’ just as much as being in the office is ‘work’ (if not more so.)

if he doesn’t think you deserve the same downtime as him, that suggests to me that he doesn’t know much about/ hasn’t experienced much of looking after kids.

@K37529 child gets to bed for 6:30pm so I don't think after dinner and bath etc there's much time to really go and do much! Not really.

How would you 'never spend time as a family' if you're both back at 3pm from your hobby? What about 3pm onwards?

Can you provide context for this? Did you ask him for his golf plans and he’s saying he’s not golfing in August but will golf three Saturdays in September? If so I think that’s fair.

However every Saturday from 7-3 with a toddler would be a no from me. And I have horses so I’m obviously quite in favour of hobby time. When I have children I will just have to cut back and compromise with it a bit like any reasonable, mature parent would do. Interesting how that seems to be beyond so many men.

Edit: Cross posted! I think that schedule is okay tbh. I would personally reconsider the 6:30 bedtime for a three year-old and have him take over the evening entertainment/bedtime for him.

@HillBillieEilish near enough every Saturday! The only time he won't is if there's been bad weather and the course is closed.

Can the compromise not be that he plays golf earlier so he's home earlier, that way you get more of a day together. You should have your own hobbies though, something during the week could work and then you have your Sundays as a family day.

I have already suggested this, but he plays with his dad who will not play early. So it's a no.

Oh,.ok. that sounds like a fair compromise to me.

The point is more so to get him to see the issue from your perspective. If you just say ‘no’, he’ll call you controlling blah blah blah. He needs to empathise

Absolutely this. It’s his hobby, he loves it, he played when you met, that’s his choice. I would never pick someone who doesn’t pick me. Why would you want to force someone to spend time with you?

@WhichEllie sorry this was after I spoken to him earlier he's changed his golf plans to those now. It was every Saturday otherwise.

But he's not going for the entirety of August?

I think you should be spending time together, 100% but if you can always have Sunday I'd be working on a social life for you and your kid so you don't lose yourself.

What does he do Saturday evening?

Splitting the weekend between 'her' time and 'his' time sounds so wrong! Its family time, both days
or the majority of. I'm not saying that people can't have time for themselves, of course not, but prescribing it so clearly sounds more like a business, not a family and frankly unrealistic.

Hold on a minute - his all day at the fucking office presumably allows OP not to work and be a stay at home mum?

No, he's not now! But that's because I've told him how I feel, he only just sent that plan to me moments ago. Otherwise he'd of been going every Saturday (all those dates he sent me were golf days before I spoke to him earlier)