Would you let husband play golf every Saturday?

[oviewan]

I say every Saturday as that is what it feels like. It's just what I know since being with my husband.

At first it didn't bother me too much, we would fall out now and again as I guess I felt like it took priority. He explained that he works so much that it is his respite and he needed to have that release.

But, we now have a 3 year old who loves spending time with their daddy.

When they were a baby, I didn't mind much. There had been times though that he still went to golf if I had been poorly or up or night which again, made us argue.

I am a stay at home mum, so I feel like I'm on the fence here. Should he get every Saturday to go and play golf? He leaves 7-8am and isn't usually home until 3ish.

Or should he be spending the weekend with his family? I just don't know any other father who does this. But then, I am lucky to stay at home which is what I want to do. I hardly get any respite myself; but apparently it's different...

What are your thoughts?

Isn't it funny? How so many men find hobbies that (when the children are young,) get them out of the house for 80 to 90% of the time that they aren't at work?! Whether it's running, or cycling, or golf, or football, they always manage to find hobbies to take them away from their responsibilities/looking after the children/actually lifting a finger to help in the house.

I would say get a hobby yourself @oviewan You'd have to find somebody to look after the children for all weekend though. And who is going to do that!

Just give it 20 years. (When the kids have grown and left home.) You won't be able to get your husband out of the house then. They suddenly decide they want to hang around it a lot when the house is child-free. They still won't lift a figure to help though.

Not much help sorry. Not much you can do it. It's like this for most wives/mothers of young children.

Read the start of the second paragraph

Well the new list of dates shows he’s taken your views on board

Yes. Let's see how long it lasts..

Love these; get yourself a hobby. You realise if the OP got a hobby of the same magnitude, they would never have any family time nor spend time to there at the weekend. Yes, it’s selfish and it doesn’t improve. Sorry, OP.

It’s no from me. My DHs friend said oh you may aswell throw out your golf clubs when he heard I was pregnant. Oh how we laughed, life doesn’t stop for kids we said,

12 years later, they are still stuffed in the back of the attic, you can’t have a hobby that takes up most of the day with small kids and then bigger kids need you to taxi them around to their various activities on the weekends. We are both happy to get away for an hour alone to run or go to the gym.

No I wouldn't be happy with it.
I also wouldn't be silly enough to have a second child with him.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, OP, so sorry if it came across that way, not my intention at all. I suppose it boils down to whether he'll compromise to a level that you're happy with. Some chaps are like this. How were things before your little one came along? I'd not be happy with it but its not the way I was brought up, as I say.

Make your family time amazing, so hopefully he won’t want to miss out!

The compromise could be EOW then, and on some saturdays you get some time yourself to do whatever it is you like. It's nice he has a hobbie with his father, it's not like hes out drinking at the pub all day. I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to keep up his hobbie, he just needs to compromise somewhere.

It's okay, I'm tired, sorry.

Before baby, he played golf a lot! But I guess I didn't mind too much then. It's more the fact I am shattered and sometimes would love for him to not go to golf to either help me out or take child out/spend time with us.

There's been a few occasions where I have been so so poorly, remembering one occasion I had such bad mastitis with a temp of 40° and he still went to golf as he couldn't let his team mate down due to a competition.

Well shortly after that we went to couples counselling....

And that is exactly it! It's just a compromise; I would never tell him to stop completely. He's very good at it and he loves it. I'd never tell him to stop. I just don't know if he should be going every Saturday and also in the summer he usually goes Wednesdays too for the evening!

Not a dig at you, but OP shouldn’t have to make the weekends amazing just to encourage him to co-parent and want to spend time with them, especially when she’s had the toddler all day by herself for the whole week

My husband does his hobby every day before work Monday to Friday and both a Saturday and Sunday all day.

We have a child. Some days he spends time with us and sometimes he doesn't. It doesn't stop me tho from getting up and ready and making my own plans and going on days out with just me and my kid. Jeez. I just booked a massive holiday abroad for just ke and my kid and didn't even ask my husband if he fancied going.

I don't think it's healthy to live in each other's pockets. We have one night per week which is family night on a Friday ....film night or games night ...pizza etc, but we did this for years before having a kid and just carried it on. Maybe do that.

No it doesn't need to be like this at all. I play sports x2 nights a week, partner plays golf x1 a week. There is still plenty of time in the week to do family stuff around our hobbies.

So he put his team mate before his wife. I hope things have changed drastically between you

So go and book a sauna and a massage for the same time slot on Saturday. He can take your 3yo along or arrange a baby sitter.

I'm so glad that works for you, but I definitely couldn't have a relationship like that.

OP you are not wrong and he should dial down his golf for a while freeing more time on the weekend to be with you and DD. He is out every weekday working so until the kids are a bit older and start having their own social on weekends he should stick around. Very soon there will be the kids clubs and hobbies on weekends, not to mention the birthday parties and play date tsunami so who will be doing all that? Driving around and things like that? Hmmm.. you? Because he is playing golf? ⛳️ red flag! Talk to him, see if he reason with you.

@Sceptical123 they did. Things have been great but I guess I have this underlying resentment regarding him not being present in our child's life as much. Especially when said child asks so much to play with daddy etc.

Is he saying he can't go EOW? Is his dad really controlling or something? His dad should be pushing him to have family time.

You're not unreasonable btw. I'm just nosy asking lots of questions.

Thank you. He seems to have listened to me this evening but will speak to him tomorrow as I'm going to bed now. I just need the reassurance that his child is a priority if I'm honest! She adores him and doesn't get to spend much time with him realistically.

It’s not a question of me ‘letting’ him play golf. I’m his partner, not his boss. He doesn’t need, or ask for, my permission. Exactly the same also applies in reverse, of course.

My DP does have a very full-on, very time consuming & very expensive hobby. No, it’s not golf. Or cycling. He goes away for several long weekends every year to do it. I’m perfectly happy with this, because I also have my own hobbies & interests which take up my free time. We also do stuff together, of course. This arrangement has worked well for us for many years.

My advice to women who are bothered by their partner’s hobbies is simple : Get a life. And a hobby of your own.

I couldn't care less tbh which is just as well as I'm married to a semi pro golfer who plays a lot - practise plus competitions and abroad etc

However - crucial point - our kids are 17 and older. I don't need him here to sort children or give me a break or entertain me or anything like that. Mind you, I've always been the same ... I'm independent and I prefer to have a partner who also does his own thing (and we've been very happily married for years!)

I can see how it may grate if you don't feel you get a break but I'd say that the level he's playing at is something I'd be fine with.

He has actually now just said that he won't play with his dad if he can't meet him earlier and he'll play with his friends instead.

Reason why his dad doesn't like playing earlier... I can't remember now what he said to me before. Could be due to purely not wanting to get up early!