Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

The very best of luck OP 💐

Very helpful 🙄

Id argue it is actually.
Unless she stops organising him to her detriment, he will take her for a huge ride.

Oh go fly a kite.

Mmm well Ive asked for it to be removed instead, because youre right.

The fact that @stomachcramps‘s H immediately asserted that he was entitled to half the house indicates that he’s not the hapless fool that OP thinks he is.

It would be great if his family rallied around. My ex MIL stopped talking to me the day we separated. After a 21 year relationship with her son and 2 grandchildren. My ex FIL (they are divorced) said “of course you must stay in the house with the children” - but did nothing practically to influence that outcome. To be fair what could he really do, but certainly he made no effort to moderate exH’s aggressive negotiations re our asset split. I did end up keeping the house but only because I paid over market value to buy exH out and was luckily in a position to do so. To be fair, ex H for all his shitty behaviour had always worked annd earned good money and I didn’t begrudge him a 50:50 split.

Don’t take financial advice from randoms on the internet but @stomachcramps if I was in your position I would offer your exH the cash value of between 20-30% of the house and a car in the basis that the uneven split absolves him from child support. Keep a car, 80% of the house and your pension intact. Don’t appeal to his better nature or the fact you’ve paid for everything, he doesn’t care.

Yes I think this is very good advice from @Endoftheroad12345 . He is never going to pay anything for your son as he has no plans to work a real job. And the car now may appeal to him more than an abstract amount of money.

It sounds like your on the right track anyway. I think a lot of women know what men can be like and have either been there or sympathise with you. Your great for responding to all the messages. Women need to support each other and its brilliant to see it happening here for sure and ya, you should give us an update again and post again on the same day next year! Take care

I’m so very proud of you for finding your anger and establishing boundaries. I just know that when he goes to his parents they’re going to spell out in very small words exactly what they think of him and pressure him to put the charm on and work to resuscitate your relationship. I would be surprised if they allow him out of their sight for long enough to meet the influencer. (Although I’m 50/50 if it might be better for you if they do.) This male (“man” seems a bit of a stretch) just seems so - soggy to me. I know you have to be feeling terrible, but having this human millstone around your neck being a dreadful influence would be worse. I wish you the most wonderful freedom!

He does "plan" to work a real job. Being a carer is fucking hard work - 12 hour days in a care home moving people who are often dead weights, changing continence pads and wiping arses, doing bed baths, generally massively understaffed and often on minimum wage. Whether he sticks at it when he realises what it entails is another matter.

If you had said no plans for a well paid job with good prospects, then fair enough. Either way he is unlikely to have any spare cash to pay meaningful, if any, maintenance or child support.

I have just a few words for you OP.

YOU ROCK.

You're amazing. You're a great mum. Your son is lucky to have you.

I hope your thread is a lesson/warning to women about the value of being financially independent.

You've got this. Believe it.

I have nothing but respect for carers. I don’t think he has plans to get a job as a carer at all, or any job. If he can’t di laundry at age 44 he can’t be bothered to learn any job.

Even in the (unlikely) chance he does take up work as a carer, he’s not going to want to pay child support and he’s going to be even more motivated to get every penny in the asset split. Even if his parents are fully on @stomachcramps there’s actually not a lot they can do if he doesn’t listen to their advice.

Was he on board with adopting your DS @stomachcramps? He sounds spectacularly unsuited to parenthood (no judgement, mine was too, although for completely different reasons- he was an avoidant workaholic). How on earth did he navigate what I assume was the complicated process of adoption?

Very proud of you, I just know your going to be alright

You are an incredible woman OP. Your son is so lucky to have you for a Mum.

Your STBExH is an utter fool, who will live to deeply regret what he has done and it will be forever his great loss.

I don't think that anyone was denigrating caring as a profession. I do think that most of us are sceptical that he really intends to take up a permanent job.

Caring is a very important and difficult job that doesn't get anything like the recognition it deserves.

I don't think a person who cheats will necessarily be a bad carer, but I don't think a person who's reached their mid 40s without learning how to wash their own pants is cut out for it. Guy's not got a fabulous work ethic either, has he?

There is absolutely no chance that he'll stick at it.

I cared for my parents and my husband while working full-time. I had carers coming in to help with my parents at their place and latterly my mother at our house. (I did all the night-time care myself.)

There were times when a carer would be introduced to us as a new-start shadowing one of the existing carers. Come the day they'd be due to start working on their own, they'd disappear. You could always tell when it was going to happen - they had the idea that being a carer meant you made a cup of a tea and had a chat.

I've experienced both sides of the coin, looking after Dad along with my Mum and then later Mum. I had to give up work and cared for her for 15 years. The last several years were full on 24 hour "personal" care and all that it entails. It is bloody hard work and took its toll on me. After Mum died I ended up in hospital and a care home for nearly 2 years (escaped a couple of weeks ago) at first I couldn't even sit up never mind stand and walk so I had to have all my "personal" care done by carers. It was horrendous and I don't recommend it.

I certainly wouldn't want to do it as a job and I think this bloke will get a very rude awakening if/when he starts. Personally, I would rather be stacking shelves on a night shift. If you put a few jars in the wrong place no-one dies and you probably get paid more.

Cannot believe what a twat this guy is. Get him out

Can I ask a very personal question? Was your visit to hospital related to your mum's death and the stresses that involved or was it unrelated? I am just wondering because when I was caring for my father before his operation and he was unable to get out of bed. When he got home and was able to grow up his muscles and walk again my body reacted and shut down for a while.i got every cold going, got the flu twice in a month, anxiety kicked in... it was as my body had been ignoring my own needs and was in full defensive mode whilst dad needed caring for.

@stomachcramps - from someone whose adored husband left in somewhat similar circumstances and who is now well on the other side of the shock and turmoil - you WILL have a happy life after all this. My XH sounds a lot like yours, head in the clouds and believing that his wishes would make everything become real.

They did not. But I no longer bear him any ill will (after years of wishing every kind of hell to drop upon his head). Because my life is happier and calmer without him in it. And I hope that the same will be true for you.

I know that you weren't asking me, but after I was left on my own, I finished up with several health problems. Some were related to the moving and handling that I had to do; some were related to putting off seeing about my own health issues.

Mum died 9 yrs ago; DH died three-and-a-half yrs ago. Had a benign tumour removed 3 yrs ago, benign uterine growths 2 yrs ago, a shoulder decompression last year. Have also been on and off diazepam and sleeping tablets and I'm now waiting for a biopsy result.

I have a friend who was her late husband's carer for years and she's had a shoulder op, a spinal op, a pituitary problem and other health issues.

Similar. I had a bit of a breakdown. Collapsed at home and was taken into hospital. I was there for 3 months. When I went in Boris Johnson was PM and we had a Queen, we then had Liz Truss, the Queen died, we got a King and by the time I left, Rishi Sunak was PM. You'd have thought that was enough excitement but I had sepsis, pneumonia, blood clots, haemorrhage, TIAs plus a few minor ailments (but not covid). Blood transfusions. IV antibiotics, oxygen, 2xMRIs, 3xCTs, Xrays and a some other things thrown in for good measure. Up to my Mum dying I had only been in to hospital to have my wisdom teeth out in 1980.

When you need to do things like caring for a parent or child you run on adrenaline and when you suddenly don't need to do it anymore your body just falls apart. I had lost about 5 stones and 2 days after going into hospital I was told my right leg was coming off and the left was probably coming off. Happy to report they are both very much still attached. The irony is that if they had been amputated and I had been fitted with prosthetics I would have been up and walking many months before I was. Walking still isn't great and stairs are a challenge.

I'm glad your Dad got home and got walking again and I hope you are looking after yourself properly. I say to everyone that in order to care for someone else you must also look after yourself. You are no good to them if you are dead on your feet, or worse actually dead.