Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Im not trying to reiterate all the good, or any of the bad, advice you had here but something I don't think I've seen anyone else say yet is to be aware that he may tell his parents what's going on whilst he's away and your DS may find out either by overhearing or being told by him or his parents.

You should put very clear boundaries in place if possible to avoid controlled information getting to your DS until you have chosen the right time to tell him and what to say.

My DSis' ex picked a moment when she was visiting a friend to tell their DC, without consultation with her, and promptly left the home forever sending a text to tell her what he'd done.

You may think he wouldn't do it but he's proved he would do things you wouldn't expect and his parents may not think before they speak.

First ask him why he doesn’t want to leave now,and tell him you’d like him to go immediately once you’ve sat down together and told your daughter.
then make an appointment with a solicitor and go to the bank and draw some money out to cover the mortgage and bills for the next month.Any joint credit cards,have your name removed and cut them up leaving them in his name.
the tell your parents,he can tell his.Discuss your daughter seeing his parents and when.Discuss when he wants to see his daughter,and try to be amicable.
your calmness will turn to anger so while you’re calm do what you can to secure yours and your daughters future.
good luck.

OP honestly, he sounds like a simpleton.

I hope you are not still in love with him. He's giving me the ick and I haven't even met him. How could you fall for someone so ineffectual

Morning op. Hope you slept ok.

now you’ve told some friends I really suggest you spend some time with DS and tell him sooner rather than later. One of the poor girls in the school I work at found out about her parents divorce in the playground from her friend at break time.

No judgement —I am divorced from my own lazy, selfish man. I would just say don’t underestimate the animalistic urge to self-preservation. You have to act fast and decisively, because he will ultimately. Decide he is entitled to everything moral or not.

This.
And also - why does he not know how to use a washing machine?
Have other people always done his washing?

You’re doing a great job. I do think you’ll need to tell your son ASAP though, last thing you want is for someone to ask him how he is with his parents divorcing and I’m sure he’d rather hear it from you guys

Good luck with everything

Please don't point out to him all the holes in his plan. You want him going off happily to her. Forget him staying for your son. He's not much of a father figure if he's planning to move 300 miles away for somebody he met five weeks ago on TikTok, is he? I mean don't point out he has nowhere to stay on his alternate weekend visits to see your son. You must do as much as you can to retain assets and get your freeloading husband out. He eventually will go for everything he can as he is just smart enough to see his comfortable life vanishing and, if not, his parents will surely suggest it.

Right now he is the enemy even if you are being civil. This sort of man is absolutely shameless and appeals to moral righteousness are utterly pointless. He is not your best friend and probably never was. You shouldn't have the slightest concern about his future welfare even if he ends up dead in a ditch.

Wives are always astonished by how quickly their husband's change when there is another woman. There is no correlation between adultery and not claiming eveything they can lay their hands on. I am a solicitor but not in the UK. I urge you to get legal advice as soon as possible. Even commercial solicitors get advice from family specialists in this sort of situation though the wisest of us have our separate assets locked down tight. I've been married for decades but retain all assets other than my house as strictly separate. My husband is a lovely man who has always paid his way but still!

This guy is an ace manipulator, @stomachcramps. He has trained you to be his mother hen/gravy train while having his illicit online adventures since day 1.

You are doing yourself a great disservice by continuing to enable and take responsibility for him after he has rubbed your face in his excrement and shown such callous disregard for DS’ stability. His narcissistic colors are shining through, as his wants/needs are front and center, no matter whose lives he rides roughshod over. It sounds like he has always swerved responsible adulting, as he has always had mummy figures micromanaging and spoiling him rotten. What a deplorable role model he is for DS.

He’s been on easy street while stealing your agency and running his secret life for far too long. Isn’t it time for him to face the consequences and stand on his own two feet, and for you to drop the rope?

What a strong and capable lady you are. Keep on keeping on xx

I agree that it must rankle for you to continue to enable him, but I believe your strategy is right op...keep things sweet and moving smoothly until he is out of the house, get him back to his childhood bedroom if it is an option, use this window to extract promises that he won't screw you over, get everything settled with the divorce super quick.

When you are on the other side of all this you won't be lifting a finger to help him do anything and it will hit him hard....at some point he will realise that he can't function in the world without you and will get greedy, he has already demonstrated how selfish he is...so it's a good plan to prop him up for now to delay that realisation happening for as long as possible.

I'm sorry OP but you have to laugh at this absolute fool.
He thinks he's found the love of his life after 5 weeks, never met and he doesn't even know her age, and they're planning on moving in together? You must gather all your strength and get this divorce on the way and all finances etc ducks in row before he realises his monumental fuck up and comes crawling back tail between his legs, bleating how he's made a terrible mistake.

You sound like a really good mother, you keep your son in mind all the time even during this crisis. I think you’ll one day be very glad you got rid of your husband

This. 100%.

How can he not even know how old this woman is?

I agree with some PP about the DS ataying with him for a few days. I would be worried he won't return him OP. Please ensure you know where he is. Does he has a tracker/GPS on DS phone if he has one? How can you track him? I wouldn't trust your H at all.
Also please stop talking to H, agree with everyone. Your advantage is to be quiet about what are you going to do next. Don't give away any information.

You're doing great, OP.

I wouldn't "kill with kindness". That always seems to me to be a way of saying someone is going to continue to act against their own interests, in a way that benefits the person screwing them over - usually, being scared to rock the boat - while telling themselves that that's somehow not what they're doing. It sounds good but in reality it's just a way of continuing to enable and accept bad behaviour.

You don't have to be spiteful or vengeful, although that would be understandable...you just have to take positive action to protect yourself and your son, because God knows this overgrown baby isn't going to and he's got no qualms about doing what he thinks is best for him. Men are never told to kill with kindness. It isn't a thing, it doesn't work.

@stomachcramps I am afraid OP is still not listening!! the house is the matrimonial home and she cannot lock him out! she is not fighting this tooth and nail but is going to roll over. he will be entitled to half the house, half the contents, half the cars as well as half the debt but she doesnt seem to understand that!!! she needs to keep quiet and stop telling him what she is doing!!

It makes sense to keep him sweet-ish but inside imagine he's a stranger that you have to deal with for work. Please listen to everyone!

He is the enemy. Stop giving him a gun, ammunition and pointing it at your own chest.

Rising tides, tears you cry every night seem never ending
But that's just life
The last goodbye, high and dry it leaves you empty
You might think your world is ending but it won't
You might think you need to give up, but you don't
'Cause you don't have to move a mountain, just keep moving
Every move is a new emotion
And you don't have to find the answer, just keep trying
The sun will rise again, the storms subside again
This is not the end
And you will love again

These are lyrics from the glorious Celine Dion. When I heard them I thought of you. You have got this, when the adrenaline subsides and you feel empty think of the courus to this song.

This is not the end.
And you will love again

Yes and claim maintenance from OP to supplement his income as a carer.

I don't trust him either and I don't think he's as stupid as he seems...
I think he's planned this. Be careful OP.

OP, please listen to PPs about your husband taking you for as much as possible. I was surprised how devious my ex husband got during our divorce. He was like your husband in many ways in his outlook and attitude.

Is he going to slide off to meet Ms Tiktok while he is at his parents?
OP you sound so lovely. Agree with everyone that it is better not to share your plans or thinking with him. Enjoy blindsiding him when you are ready.

Can we stop with the ‘why did you get with a man child’ type responses. They are not helpful. The reasons why OP did what she did was because of the person she was at the time. We’ve all made choices we look back on and cringe over. If I told my back story I would be slaughtered on here for my stupidity. It’s easy to judge someone in hindsight. What OP needs here is the full support of those women who have been through this to get the best possible outcome for her son and herself. What I learned through my experience of this, is to keep your cards close to your chest. Get good advice. Keep it cordial with him but only reveal your plans on a need to know basis. The hardest part I found in all of it was accepting that the man who was ‘my best friend’ and who I turned to when ever I was upset or hurt was now the one doing the hurting and was now the enemy. I felt all alone and at sea! Having to suddenly find the strength and emotional resources in the midst of such inner turmoil was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

@stomachcramps Wishing you the strength to deal with the bomb he’s dropped on your life and hope you and your son come through it stronger and move on to a happy, settled and fulfilled life. You deserve it.

I am also worried he is not going to return your Ds and will claim to be tha primary parent so as to have maintenance while living near his new partner.