Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Do not underestimate him OP.

He may suddenly turn into a smart and ruthless man.

Do not speak to him at all anymore and sort financials and legal side as soon as possible.

I

I agree with PPs saying not to underestimate him @stomachcramps , they are more likely to turn nasty when they realise what a fool they've made of themselves. And, more importantly, what they've thrown away because they were so desperate for new attention.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hellish, but you sound like you've got your head screwed on

His parents will be driving him now, employing solicitors, emptying half of any accounts he has access to . He's no wiser than the day he moved out so they'll just step up again to protect him. Blood kin circle the wagons most of the time.

I agree with this 100% - it is so hard to look back and wonder why on Earth we did certain things. It happened to me with my ex - I'm still amazed at how naive I was. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage of kindness and generosity. It is terribly hard to switch from viewing the person you considered to be your 'best friend' as the 'enemy'. Still now, I have to remind myself of all my ex did when I speak to him (he's my DD's dad). But it has to be done. I now find it very hard to trust anyone at all, however.

@stomachcramps I too wish you all the best and lots of strength for dealing with this situation. It sounds like you are a fantastic mother and, as the PP said, you will come out of this stronger and happier.

I tend to agree with this. My kids know that Dad met someone else and fell for her, and while these things happen, this was not acceptable to me, and it’s important that people do not pretend to be happy/best friends about a situation that causes distress.

I think OP will be ok. The worse case scenario is that he manages to talk her round and she gives it another go. However, she will never unsee just what he's capable of, it will be there, the elephant in the room and he will do this again and maybe again until she. finally has enough. That's worse case scenario. Another one is that he takes advantage of her kind nature and fucks her over financially but as long as she is free of him I would consider that a worthwhile sacrifice.
The problem is us telling her to rush everything but with dynamics like this you have to. You cannot put things off because that time gives him the best chance to manipulate the OP back to the status quo. Of her parenting him and him just taking and taking.
I don't think she will go back though. I can imagine he's done far more shit than she's written about on here and this is the straw that broke the camels back. I understand posters apprehension of him taking their ds away, I do believe he will meet up with this woman, I just hope he leaves the boy out of it but I think this weekend is a good time for the OP to process exactly what's going on.

My god, this man is a fool. But as others have said, be very careful with him, he's the type that will take all that's due to him, not giving a shit about you or your DS.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's utterly shit 😢

Yep. I don't want to scare the OP, I think she has enough to deal with. But I also thought if it would be worth posting this as unfortunately I saw this happening IRL so better to mention it so she keeps an eye on the situation.
He sounds very weird, thoughtless and really immature. It's a bad combination. I know this is not even imaginable, but I saw this happening. Better to track where the child is at all times. Ensure you have his passport, birth cert etc with you.
Big hug OP. You have lots of people here supporting you.
Protect your son and please don't ever let this man in your life.

He may well be an idiot but OW may not be and may be quite happy to jump on the gravy train financed by OP
Bear in mind they have had much longer than OP to think things through . OW wanting him not to rush may be more to do with her financial relationship with her ex than cold feet. Or perhaps she thinks he can leverage more money by refusing to leave the marital home. Another vote for getting the best solicitor possible
And right now

just wanted to send you a virtual HUG, OP you are amazing!!!

Thanks all. They've gone.
His parents and sister are incandescent with him. They know the script and there is no way whatsoever that they will help him to take away the house from me and my son.
He'd messaged his dad last night and then this morning both his mum and sister contacted me with offers of support and they are raging with him.
His dad been onto me.
They've all said how stupid and selfish he is.
If he does end up going for everything, it will not be at their urging or with their help. Their grandson means much, much more to them than the me, me, me, overgrown child they were glad to see the back of.
They know the importance of continuity for our son.
I get what you're all saying about not talking to him or trusting him etc, I just needed him to know the reality of the situation and that he cannot come crawling back to me like nothing has happened.
I will start the ball rolling next week.
Those of you saying I'm not listening.
I am.
It's been a lot to take in - this only happened late on Tuesday night!
I've had to adjust my entire perspective and view of my whole life and try to look into the future now that the scales have (finally) dropped from my eyes.
It's brutal. My guts are churning with hurt and with jealousy and heartbreak.
At the same time I'm been having to present happy, happy, joy, joy to our son.

Please don't write me off as stupid / naive or so besotted that I won't do what's best for my son. Not for me, not for the husband. For my son. And whatever it takes... mesher orders, playing along, playing nice, fighting dirty... whatever it takes we WILL be staying in this house. And I'll be back to tell you all about it.

I'm not to be underestimated. When it's required I will show my teeth. This isn't my first rodeo. I know the law, I know what you're all saying - but somebody needs to act upon that. Just because he's entitled doesn't mean that he will go for it and if / when he does then I'll ensure the process goes at snails pace with any suggestions of selling the house.

These things can drag on for years if necessary.

It's early days. I'm getting my head in the game. I'll get there.

I will.

You are truly amazing.

Also thank God your son has you for his mum.

His grandparents seem pretty solid too, bless him.

I think you sound well positioned and actually you have been very quick off the blocks. Much quicker than he thought you would be. You are as advantageously positioned as you can be and if you keep this up your advantage will widen. He may be a worse person than you understood previously but he is not smarter or better organized.

Get a solicitor and filet him like a flounder.

Well done you.
You're in the first few days of shock and I remember it well from my own D Day.
For 2 weeks after I know I was in shock ( couldn't eat etc) but I was focussed.
Sorted out solicitor appt, got the ball rolling.
It was only a few weeks after ( in my case, everyone is different) that my emotional crash came.
It took a lot of therapy, great friends and support plus really digging deep into myself to move through the gut wrenching feeling of betrayal etc that ensued.

Just to say I'm 2yrs 8 months on and in a way better place on every level. Everyone said that to me but at the time, but it was hard to believe.
Keep posting here for emotional tips and anecdotal stories that help with moving through the pain. Many of us have had versions of your experience and we can help 🙂.

I just want to say @stomachcramps because you sound incredible... I think I can safely say not one of us thinks you are stupid or besotted. We think you have been conditioned over many years. The only thing we can do is give our opinions truthfully no matter how hard it is for you to hear so you are aware that us, people who only know the tiny snippet of your relationship you have given us, can see what's going on. Can see this man for who he is. It will take you an awful long time to stop the bad habit of looking after him, he and others around you have drip dripped that you are responsible for him, aww isn’t he useless bless him, what would he do without you etc.
Don't feel bad if you do go into support mode automatically because you will, especially when he ramps up the victim narrative or starts to use your son as a way for things to stay exactly the same. Just see it for what it is and try and pull back. Good luck.

So now will you stop 'helping' him?

He's likely to shaft you first chance he gets

I don't think he's as laid back or immature as you think he is

God you sound bloody awesome OP. You are a legend. Be proud of yourself!

Well done!

Its probably a good thing to keep talking to him to find out what he intends to do. Flatter his ego a bit by seeming interested in his future but do not tell him your plans or intentions. Go into politician mode by talking a lot without actually saying anything. Don't say anything that can give him ammunition to use against you. The fact that both sets of families are on your side speaks volumes. At least with him being away you have a clear run to sort out all of the major things without him being around to keep tabs on you. Good luck.

Really well done!!!

Great his family are supportive. Keep them on side. Keep friendly and open and facilitating the relationship with their grandson. Dont let him manufacture a 'poor me you're the bad guy' fiction. Be the reality.

Step away from what reads like a tendency to help him, mother him, pay.

And fight like a tiger to keep the house.

I wonder if his rellies are on mumsnet?

Hope you've got your solicitor and financial advisor appointments in place. Ignore any 'DIY is FINE' advice here. You need stone cold professional advice.

Your son is blessed to have such a kick ass mum (and some pretty cracking grandparents by the sound of it). You're doing so so well, I have no idea how you're keeping it so together.

It's very easy for people behind a screen to say "you should do this and that, why haven't you done this yet, you're so naïve" etc, I bet half of them would have crumbled already walking in your shoes. Keep kicking butt for your son, you're amazing 💐

@stomachcramps

It's OK that you've 'had your say' with him. But now that you have, it's time to go quiet. After all, what more is there to be said, you've said it all.

As far as his family, I'm glad they've offered you support. But just remember, at the end of the day they are HIS family. I'm not saying that they'll definitely 'turn on you', but remember that it's their doorstep he's going to land on when things go belly up with the OW. It's going to be them that he looks to when he needs money. Because of that you can't discount the notion that they'll start to think "Well, maybe they could have worked it out" or "She should have forgiven him for the sake of DGC"...with the silent afterthought of "then we wouldn't have to be dealing with his shit". Or if nothing else, they may in anger 'say too much' so at the very least do NOT tell them what you are doing, what steps you're taking, etc.

Step by step, keeping your cards close to your vest is the way to go.

I just wanted to add my voice to the posts that are in complete awe of your strength, sense and sensitivity - a powerful combination. I absolutely KNOW you're going to be fine.