Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

I'm so sorry OP, I can feel your heartbreak through your words. Such betrayal from both parties. The worst part is him saying he still has feelings for her, I'm not sure how you'll ever manage to move on from this. I know its easy to say ltb, and I think it's said too easily on mn, but I really think you'll struggle to save your marriage. Sending you strength xx

I couldn't get past this deceit on both sides.

You have a lot to unpack, take your time, but don't let him do all the right things now.

2 years is a long time.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
With such small children you are in a very vulnerable position. Take your time, don't feel forced to take decisions until you are ready to do so. Get counselling alone before you even think of couples counselling, so that you have had a chance to process this before you talk to him about the way forward.
Get legal advice once you have collated all the financial info you need. Don't make assumptions about what financial help you might be entitled to check it out.
Don't make any decisions until you have all the advice to hand.
But I think an affair going on for that long is going to be hard to move on from. Although it does sound like he gets his kicks from the risky sex rather than it being something deeper. I don't know where that leaves you...he'll probably do it again.

I’m so so sorry op

Only advice I would add is make him work for it. In a spare room. No sex. Make him understand deeply how much he has broken your trust and see if he is truly willing to put his money where his mouth is and fight hard, on YOUR terms, at YOUR pace to stay married and truly work through this and be able to build a marriage that is actually built on a solid foundation. This is going to take a huge amount of work. You may some days feel forgiving and other days you may take a back step and be devestated, angry and want to lash out. Do NOT let him rush you. HE broken the vows. He betrayed you at a very vulnerable time and he lied to you for two years. That is huge. You do not owe him a thing.

Tell her husband else resentment will take a hold of you.

I am so sorry, OP.

What sticks out to me is the extreme level of risk taking by him - having sex downstairs while her children and DH are upstairs - I mean, that is next level BS. I would never expect monogamy from someone like that.

In the imperfect, messy world of real life rather than on a chat forum, there is a genuine deep-seated reason he did this.

If he can get to the bottom of that, in therapy on his own, you’re both onto a winner.

I read The Course of Love by Alain de Botton years ago and that is an interesting look at infidelity within a genuinely loving marriage.

You can definitely come through this in theory. Your DH still feels a lot for this other woman though so right now it’s still really messy, isn’t it.

On the other side of things, it’s also possible to amicably separate and for the kids to live in two loving homes.

It’s a hard place for you to find yourself and I send lots of love and strength to you.

Don’t rush. Take your time. But I don’t think you can salvage this. From what I have seen on mumsnet if you forgive him he will quickly assume the role of the victim any time you are unhappy or suspicious. He will never really eork to regain your trust and you will be stuck in a trustless marriage. Filled with anger and despair. If you are lonely snd have few friends now this will only get worse over the years.

I think a clean break sooner than later is advisable.

This is awful, OP. I'd say the worst part is she called it off when she found out you were pregnant. He would have gleefully carried it on otherwise. And for him to say he still has feelings for her? You must be heartbroken.

Only you can decide if you think you can trust him again. If he vows never ever to speak to her again, and you believe he won't go and cheat with someone else.

My FiL cheated on my MiL with his secretary when DH was about 10. He had to leave his very high powered MD position, and go self employed. And his wife chose his new secretary, a very efficient but fairly plain looking 65 yo. They stayed together and (after a lot of soul searching) were happy/faithful until sadly MiL got dementia.
But the whole affair was very traumatising for DH, as he discovered condoms in his dad's car.

So people do get through affairs, but it's certainly not easy.

I personally don't think I'd be able to stay with someone who did that, especially as it was the OW who called it off. I hope you think of your own wellbeing first and foremost in this situation. The children will be happy if you are happy.

So sad for you op you need to tell her husband and let everyone know what both of them did. He would not of told you if she did not call it off I wonder did she give him an ultimatum. If you cannot split now focus on you and your children leave the scum to sleep on the sofa.

Has your husband said he'd cut you off financially if you leave? Why wouldn't he pay towards his children?

I wouldn't work on the marriage via couples counselling, I'd get individual counselling to help you process the shock and trauma. You can actually get PTSD from being betrayed.

I'd also get legal advice from a family law solicitor re divorce.

I'm not sure why he told you about the affair but firstly it's obvious that he would still be having it had she not ended it. Secondly, it's obvious you're in shock and the full extent of the betrayal hasn't sunk in yet. When it does, you'll get very angry.

There's a good website you might find handy called surviving infidelity.

I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses.

Is it true that they'd grow up in poverty or is that just something you're telling yourself? You said you think your husband would go for 50/50 so presumably he'd be paying 50% of the childcare cost.

If she ended it when she found out you were pregnant and your little one is 3 months old then it's been over for the best part of a year presumably yet he's telling you he still has feelings for her? He'd still be cheating if she was up for it.
Why has he admitted it today?

Please don't waste years of your life staying with him 'for the sake of the children'. You won't be able to trust him and you will be miserable. Children can be happy in an amicable co-parenting relationship. Far better than two unhappy parents trying to make it work and failing. But don't rush into anything. If you can, get him to move out temporarily to give yourself space to think - you deserve that. You can't brush this under the carpet so tell friends and family, make it real, get the support you deserve.
Good luck.

I think her husband should be put in the picture too. If he wants to stay as a family, I don't get what he gained from telling you. Perhaps it's a case of OW not having sex with her H, him claiming the same, then obviously not when you got pregnant. But the audacity for them both to organise dinners knowing what they were doing. Conceiving your 2nd DC while sleeping with her too, that is actually astoundingly outrageous, I'd be sickened to know that, it's putting the health of your unborn child at risk as well as you.
Many people separate who are not classed as high earners and manage it. If its 50/50, you only have to pay half of the nursery care. Sell the home and buy, move to a cheaper area if you can't where you are. Your DC's haven't settled onto school yet so it's not as hard as when older, they will get used to the new normal. It sounds like you are putting irrelevant barriers up to splitting, that cam be overcome with planning, when ultimately its probably the shock and the upset that is stopping you. Take your time, take all the time5 you need to absorb what's happened. He had no rights to push you to accept his infidelity, you can leave him hanging on a decision for as long as you want. Meantime I'd advise separate rooms.

I'm really curious as to why he told you? I think that's probably a vital thing to take into consideration when deciding what to do x

He's a liar. You cannot and must not ever trust him blindly ever again. I believe all affairs are unfixable. So many women hang on hoping it will get better and because they find it hard to detach.

Best case scenario if you stay - he'll work hard to prove he loves you. Eventually you'll have sex again and will always think of him with other women. You'll never trust him again but will stay silent and stressed every time he's out late or does anything at all out of the ordinary. You'll always, for the rest of your life, feel the taint of betrayal and disrespect and will swallow it down resentfully for as long as he stays. He'll definitely cheat again and he'll probably leave you anyway when it suits him.

This is your one chance to write the narrative for yourself. Yiu owe him absolutely nothing.

Your marriage is over. It is agony to admit this now but will be less painful in the years to come if you can accept it. Make plans to leav, get your house in order.

Lie to him about anything and everything you are doing. Keep him on side. He's a snake, let him think you're a mouse.

If it helps, think of it as just in caGe you need it. Get a lawyer right now.

He will lie to you about absolutely anything and everything. Whatever he's admitted to, it's worse.

You. Cannot. Trust. Him.

I’m so sad this has happened to you OP.
What your husband appears to be is not who he is. He’s openly admitting it. He’s only considered himself, has taken his marriage, you and his family unit for granted. Discarded by OW, he still doesn’t highly value what you offer, admits to feelings for her. He’s a disloyal fool.
Don’t bend down to pick up nothing.
You cannot put a price on your dignity and self-esteem which his sordid activities have destroyed. Take the financial hit, leave him to OW - they deserve each other.
Believe you will, in the future, meet a man worthy of you and your DC. If you stay with him you’ll close your opportunity.

By telling you, he could be hoping you'll end it, as a show to OW that he's serious about her, given his feelings, but he's wavering. Or, you were likely to find out by other means if he didn't say, in which case either OW's H knows, or someone else you know has found out and threatened to tell you.

Sorry but I don't think the affair is over. Either OW has said she is going to tell you or her husband has found out and has said he will tell you.

If she called it off when your pregnancy was announced presumably at around 12 weeks then that is a year ago. If that happened then why would he tell you now?

I can’t imagine how you are feeling right now. I’m sending you the warmest of virtual hugs. Right now and for the foreseeable future this is about you. How you feel, how you intend moving forward. How you even cope hour by hour. Hazarding a guess your view of yr H has changed irrevocably. He has betrayed your love, your trust and cheapened your marriage.

A future with this man, whilst possible won’t be in anyway easy. I suspect you’ve realised this yourself. I read yr comments and the reasons why you want, atm to stay together. Any decision making can wait, I only wish you had a better support system, a close trusted friend or relative for you to lean on. Take your time, your little ones will help by keeping you busy, but try also to make time for you as well. I wish you all the luck as you grapple with this huge sideways shift.

All i can say is take your time.

The damage is done and the first time it happens is the most painful, you must be in utter shock so take good care of yourself, eat drink and plenty of rest, betrayal is exhausting mentally and physically and decisions do not have to be made instantly.

Wait till you feel stronger, you have children and much to consider and your emotions are not reliable at the moment, you never know you may hate him more in a year than you do now.

What a terrible mess, what self entitled shits they both are, you will have to consider whether he should be allowed to stay in your life, he certainly doesn't deserve you.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, I can't sleep but it's making me feel less lonely reading these so thank you.

To answer a couple of questions - OW and her husband split up while I was pregnant. I felt sorry for them at the time. They are both now with someone new. OW's husband has continued his mutual hobby with my H so definitely doesn't know. I have nothing to gain by telling him other than ruining what seems to be a perfectly pleasant co-parenting relationship.

DH says they ended the affair a year ago but they were definitely still talking more recently than that. I will have to ask him more about the timeline but my head's just going in circles at the moment.

We attended an event yesterday where we unexpectedly bumped into OW and I was happily chatting to her, talking about baby etc. DH has been visibly upset ever since and confessed it all to me today.

I'm not making any decisions yet, I'm going to do some counselling personally and probably pursue the couples counselling regardless just to help process it all. I'm appreciating the responses though so thank you all.

Fair enough. But never forget he is a proven liar. You cannot trust him. Please please please just talk to a lawyer just in case.

Oh no, this is terrible terrible news.

Hand hold and and a hug. Take your time. You don't owe him anything.

When the anger hits (and it will) focus only on yourself and your DC.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

As others have said you need to take your time to process this revelation. But it really sounds as though he still has very strong feelings for OW if meeting up with her upset him so much.

Tbh I find his level of betrayal, not only of you but also of his friend, absolutely breathtaking. I think you should be very wary going forward because he has shown he is capable of very calculated deceitful behaviour.