Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

Oh and for what it is worth I tried to forgive my now ex. He did it again.

“DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.”

He's been dumped by the person he has feelings for, to me that would make me question would he still be with her if she hadn’t. You mention you saw the other woman and he was visibly upset and confessed all to you, what sort of man (well does this in the first place but then) unloads his heartbreak on his wife, was he expecting a handhold from you? I wouldn’t stay, 2 years is a long time to be lied to like that. A quick fumble is enough of a betrayal but 2 years! Please take the time to think would you actually be happy staying for the DC

Two of my friends have got through this OP. Their husbands had affairs and they chose to try to save their marriages. Both are happy now but it look a lot of sorting out and discussion and difficulty in trusting again. It can be done though. I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you. You sound lovely, I’m sorry this has happened to you

I've only read your OP @AnotherObliviousWife and I am so sorry. No one can tell you what to do, we can only advise through our own experiences. I would advise that you listen to those that have been through this rather than those that haven't.

My H confessed to an affair only because her husband tracked me down and my h knew a letter was coming to tell me. It had started as someone to talk to, on line, until 8 months later she started flirting. Within three months of that they were sending photos and had made plans for her to travel from overseas to meet and stay with him. Eventually I knew everything.

I have no family, stayed at home with our three dc who were 11, 13 and 15 when I found it (it was over at this point with them) so had no real money of my own and nowhere to go. I felt I still loved him, thought he had been a good father and husband, had been very supportive to me in tough times and everyone is entitled one mistake. For five years I felt I was in shock. He was the last person i would ever expect this. Then the next two I felt we were coming out of it and I was moving past it. I feel I did more to get us back and actually it made me so poorly I still have the consequences now.

Then 17 months ago he said something to me and in that moment it was over for me. An unexpected bereavement, time to think, an attempt on my life and therapy meant that is was five months later before I asked for a trial separation for time to think. He didn't give me that and decided we were done but didn't tell me. This morning I have submitted the final order and I'll be divorced in a couple of days.

I don't regret staying and absolutely don't regret divorcing him now.

Whatever you decide today does not have to be your final decision. It is no fault divorce now so it isn't a case of if you stay six months you can't cite adultery. I suggest you need time and space from him to think. He does not get to dictate what you do, feel or want.

He has to fulfil his responsibilities to his children and leave you to decide what is best for you then what is best for your children.

I wish you all the support, help and love that you want and don't let him railroad you into anything.

Send him to the STI clinic too. I did that with my h and it felt like a little win and keeping some self respect for me.

So he had nothing to lose by telling you as she's with someone else now...

For your own self worth it would be sensible to buy a modest property for yourself and DC especially as they're so tiny. Much more difficult if they're settled in the school system later on. You could split the child care between you, agreed by a solicitor.

Hope you come to a decision that makes you happy raising the DC. How deceitful of your (should be ex) DH, lacking in morals. Not someone to reconcile with as he'll be at it again given the first opportunity.

I know how absolutely awful you must be feeling. it’s devastating.

Could you move nearer to family if you were to leave?

Only you can decide what to do and the worry about splitting the family up and living with less money I completely understand, although there would be ways to manage.

I’m 16 years down the line to you, and found out about my dh’s affair when my dc were tiny. I stayed with my dh as I wanted desperately to keep my family together. Some days I’m pleased that I did, and others not. I don’t think there is an easy answer.

I hope the counselling goes well and I wish you all the very very best.

This. It’s pretty impossible to work through this knowing that he would likely go back to the OW if she would have him.
It’s so incredibly painful for you now but if you stay with him that pain will only last longer and the likelihood is that he will leave at a later date- for her or someone else. Despite what he is saying, he is not committed

There's nothing stopping you from staying if on balance you're life would be worse if you left. That's entirely your choice. Because staying for your own reasons isn't the same as forgiving and letting him 'get away with it' its sometimes a matter of not cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Tbh, I'd be very surprised if with all the counselling in the world your marriage returned to a good one. It happens, but its very rare. And unfortunately your H cheated in the hardest way to deal with imo anyway, prolonged, deliberately and with a woman he loves and would still be with if she hadn't ended it. There isn't a great deal to build on there sadly, as all you have are the words of a man desperate not to lose what he has left.

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to say if you stay, manage your expectations. Your H is not devoted to you and your children, he is not not decent or trustworthy, so you're unlikely to have the sort if relationship with him you deserve. If I were you, I'd stay 'for now' with the idea in my mind that he was simply an option that was the least worst and with the expectation this might change and I'd move on then.

If he's a good dad he'll still be a good dad after you split. I think you can do this. Great that you're a good earner.
He's made this mess. Let him think hard about how to make the next phase of your lives work.
And good luck. You sound great x

I'm sorry you are in this position and speak from experience when I say it eats away at you. The amount of lies is immense and calculated, it took me 5 years of limping along making myself ill to finally accept that the man I married was a hurtful person who did not deserve me. He wouldn't leave, I was backed into a corner financially and the amount of control he had over me was quite staggering. I left with two kids 9&11 and started all over again. It was scary, I have lots of memory loss of that time but my god life is better now! It will be two year in August, we have an amazing new forever home which I've furnished myself from scratch! He's been left a lonely old man and I couldn't be happier. We still co-parent (sort of) but I've taught my two boys a valuable lesson about how you treat women and to me that's worth all the heartache I felt. I remember discovering his double life and the advice I got from the MN team at the time (thank you all) one thing that stuck most of all - you can decide to leave at any time, doesn't have to be now, absorb it all and act on it when you are ready. That's exactly what I did. It will never be the same, the person you married isn't that person anymore and sadly you'll never feel the same. Sending love and strength your way xx

Then make a plan to leave when you're off maternity pay and back to being a high earner. Your kids won't live in poverty. The father will also have to pay maintenance.

This. How would you ever be able to forgive this? I couldn't. If it were a brief, meaningless fling...maybe. But a long period of planned deceit while you were having and looking after his babies? Having sex in the OW's family home while her dc and dh were asleep upstairs? What an absolute scumbag!

I am so, so sorry you’re going through this OP. I can feel your pain from your words.

You don’t have to decide anything yet, but please tell someone in real life. It’s not your shame, it’s his, and you need support. Do you have any family members you can talk this through with?

Sadly I don’t think this is salvageable and I wouldn’t even want to try, but I’m not you. The level of deceit is staggering, it’s clear he has feelings for her and would have continued had she not called it off. I don’t think he told you out of guilt or concern for you. He is not a good father to treat their mother like this. He has shown you such disrespect, I could never trust him again. You will waste your life always wondering where he is and who he’s texting because he has shown you what he is capable of.

You may find you go through a period of hysterical bonding with him, that’s quite normal. Staying now and leaving later is also quite common. Nothing has to be decided now.

Please put all your focus on you and your recovery, you didn’t destroy your marriage. You owe him nothing right now, but it’s very important that you take care of yourself.

Being a single mum isn’t that bad, there’s a certain peace that comes from just being with your children and not having to deal with a man’s bullshit. He will have to pay maintenance, and if you choose to stay in the house he may also have to pay towards the mortgage until your youngest is 18. It might be worth seeing a solicitor to find out what your options are.

Thinking of you x

Hi OP a very similar thing happened to me and I stayed, that was thirty years ago and we’re still together, he has never strayed again, so yes it is possible to get through it and have a very happy life together. What I would say is you do have to be very forgiving, I have never once thrown the affair back on my OH’s face, I decided to stay and that was it, I made a choice and moved on, I know not everyone can do that. I do think if you can’t do that and it constantly get brought up and into arguments then no it’s best to move on. Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and it is possible to love more than one person, it doesn’t make that person on a horrible hateful person as many suggest on here. But it is betrayal, and only you know if you can forgive him. I know how much it hurts and wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

No advice, but I am finding it very perverted that your husband was shagging someone repeatedly when her children were fully able to discover them. This is next level creepiness and not the same as your own children unexpectedly seeing you in the throes as it were. Is he generally creepy around other people's children?

He was getting thrills out of thinking her children would burst in at any moment. That alone would mean I would fuck him off. Disgusting.

How awful, OP, I’m so sorry.

If it’s at all helpful - a close friend of mine’s husband had an affair with a colleague, my friend was also pregnant with their second at the time.

It was a horrendous time, she considered leaving him but in the end made the decision to stay together and they are now about 15 years on.

She adopted quite a pragmatic approach to it - they moved locations and he left his company so OW was no longer a threat, they went to counselling - now, their marriage seems broadly functional and happy.

HOWEVER, my friend says that once the core trust is shaken like that, something irrevocably changes in a marriage. While she wanted to bring up kids with him and made that choice to stay, when they leave (they are teens now), she’s not 100 percent they’ll remain together in old age. She has quite a tough perspective on this now - ‘I’ll stay with you as long as it works for me, but if it doesn’t, I’ll be out…’

It works for her, but I’m not entirely sure it would work for me tbh. I think it could eat away at you.

good luck OP xxx

Very sorry you are going through this.

This is not what you want to hear, there is no other logical explanation why he told you this now completely after the event. He wants you to end it. (Despite what he says, his actions tell otherwise). The fact he told you he still has feelings for her, that’s the nail in the coffin.

pleas be strong for you and your kids. You need out of this otherwise you will be a wife to a cheating husband forever. He wins you lose. Don’t put yourself through this.

Thanks to everyone who's reached out, I really appreciate all your replies. Unfortunately there's no one I can speak to in real life so this really helps.

For those asking how I know the level of detail - DH told me the basics, he had an affair, who with and how long for / how many times. He said he'd answer any questions I want to ask so I've had him walk me through the timeline, avoiding grizzly details for the moment. He's answered everything without hesitation so far, I'm not sure how much more I want to know.

Re financials - I live in an expensive part of the country, childcare for 2 children will be around £3,000 per month plus the very cheapest rent would be £1,600+, even if H covers his half of the childcare my salary wouldn't cover that plus bills, commuting costs etc. It's something I would manage if I have to but at the moment it's not my first choice. I've spent all night flicking between wanting to tell him it's over and wanting to work it out. I've been angry, sad, hysterical and everything in between. I'm exhausted.

Luckily I have seen a therapist before and she has a slot for me tomorrow so I've just got to get through today.

So he was visibly upset at seeing OW, is he visibly upset about what he has done to you, to his family? I would be carefully thinking about that.

What has upset him more?

"Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and it is possible to love more than one person, it doesn’t make that person on a horrible hateful person as many suggest on here."

I would suggest the behaviour of OPs husband - having sex with his friend's wife on the sofa while his friend and his children slept upstairs and while OP was at home with his baby - actually does make him a horrible hateful person.

Im sorry this has come at such an expensive time for you - 2 kids needing very expensive childcare and one only three months old. That’s a really expensive time of life.

Make sure your contraception is good. Last thing you need is an unexpected number 3 on the way.

How terrible for you.
There is nothing more to lose by having individual counselling and couples therapy.
You could end up leaving but you might forever wonder what would have happened if you'd both worked sincerely in couples therapy.

The other woman has moved on.
You never have to see her again.
Your husband might earn back some respect; I would give him one chance to earn back trust and see where it leads.
Gather all your financial ducks in a row and proceed with a new determination of self preservation and protection and nothing short of honest communication and full disclosure from husband.

If you’re a high earner then your kids won’t grow up in poverty. Obviously.
And if you take him back he will do it again as he doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else.

Pretty cruel to let the husband smile in he's face and drink a pint with him... deceiving lowlife he'll do this again and probably already has and is actively doing so.

Another pathetic man who looks elsewhere when he isn’t centre of attention. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s an awful position to be in and I can fully understand why you feel so torn.

Take your time to make real decisions. You will be all over the place right now and unable to think clearly. Some marriages do survive affairs, only you can decide eventually whether you can move past the deceit.

So if the OW hadn’t finished the affair would he still be seeing her? I think that’s what you need to consider. He’s confessed to you to make himself feel better.