Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

It's so true what @BeenThereAlready says - there will always be before and after. There's the day you thought you knew him, and the day you found out you didn't. You'll be indelibly changed however it turns out. I don't think any amount of therapy can change that.

This is very true, there is a line, before and after.

Many couples do remain together, regardless of what people say, many staying for financial reasons mainly. The financial reasons are huge, especially in todays climate and both the betrayer and the betrayed understand this.

Your loss is huge, but you are not yet thinking about his loss.

If you remain together, he may understand you need support from others and will confide about his behaviour, this creates paranoia, his social standing comes under attack, his reputation, the arguments that the children will hear, their dissapointment in him. Children are not fools, family are not fools, neighbours hear arguments, people are really not stupid.

You will view him with different eyes and that will be picked up on by others, he will see your disgust in him, all this stuff doesn't happen in a vacuum, it's impossible to hide.

He has lost his power now, you need to understand that, the rules have changed, I know you hurt but if you remain together you must not put up with anymore of his entitled shit, because you have been through the worst and he can't hurt you again in the same way, that ship has sailed.

You will build up and become stronger, eventually.

Most women who have been betrayed, have gone through hell, a hell that many of us cannot divulge, it is almost a shamed secret, the ammount of pain that goes hand in hand with a betrayal, it's immense and life changing, but many would say that nothing could hurt them again as much, apart from the loss of a child.

The women I know who've been through this are some the strongest I know.

And most of the cheating husbands as they age are some of the weakest, pitying clowns I've known.
They destroy themselves.

@YellRock hear hear.

Op, you will find your power. Don't commit to anything at all yet.

But it's true that this will make you stronger eventually and that you are not the forever the duped victim.

You have choices even though you are so wounded and exhausted by all this catastrophe your h has dumped on you and your dcs.