Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

What a horrible situation OP. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I hope you have support, if not we are all here for you.

Tell her husband, pair of cunts

The other thing I would say is confide in a couple of very close family members or friends for support,which you will need, but choose wisely.

I was reeling at the time, wasn't on MN or anything like it and regretted telling the people I did. I didn't choose wisely enough.

You are lucky to have this resource to guide you through this and a place to vent & get advice.

Yes and on that basis I think she should consider telling the friend when she is feeling stronger. He too is trapped in a web of deceit without his consent.

Agree with this.
Stay strong op. Be very kind to yourself- this will have been a huge physical shock.
There is no right or wrong decision in these situations - only what you feel comfortable with. Take things very slowly.
Sending you a huge big hug x

OP, you are - understandably - catastrophising here. Why do you think you will be spending most of your income on rent and that your children will be living in poverty? It's quite possible that you will be able to stay in the family home until your children are older, and anyway - as you say - you are a high earner.

See a good solicitor. Get proper legal advice on what you would be entitled to if you split; don't rush into a decision to stay with him because you are panicking about money.

Good luck

I’m so sorry op, that is fucking dreadful. Firstly, I’d tell him to leave. Get rid of him for a few days so you can get some space and don’t have to look at his cheating, lying face. That will also communicate to him how serious this is, that you are absolutely not going to rug sweep this or write it off as a “mistake”.
Secondly, tell her exh. He deserves agency in his life and this is NOT your dirty secret to protect. Bring this shameful shit into the light. I would also tell that trollop that you know and exactly what you think of her.
I wouldn’t go anywhere near marriage counselling at the minute, because the marriage didn’t cheat, he did. Whatever problems there may have been in your marriage he had a million other choices to address that, but he chose to stick his dick in your friend. That is a HIM problem and is absolutely nothing to do with you. Read that again - this is NOTHING to do with you.
He needs to arrange therapy for himself to work out exactly WHY he could be so truly disgusting and deceitful. You need to arrange therapy for yourself to keep yourself standing over the next few weeks and months.
You don’t need to decide anything now, you just need to hold it together. And please, fucking IGNORE the posters who twat on about “self respect”. Your life has just exploded underneath you so you take all the time you need to decide what’s best for you. The choices are all yours now. Good luck xxx

You won't believe it now but you could have a nice life without him, not based on lies and attempted forgiveness. You have a good job - you'd have a nice home (maybe a bit smaller, but nice) and could work towards positive co-parenting rather than the awfulness of living with someone who doesn't respect or deserve you. I'm one of the many, many women who have made this work and have a very happy life with happy children. Don't write off a good future without him, it just takes time to see how it could be.

I'd wait at least till your maternity the leave is finished to make any de visions (that's assuming you plan to go back to work).

It almost feels like he's told you so you are the one to rip the band aid off and break up with him.

I also think if you aren't prepared to tell the OWs ex husbanc your husband should drop out of that hobby or move to another group. If he was really sorry he wouldn't still have contact with the husband given how shitty he's been to his so called friend.

Agree with this.
It's all to easy to say LTB.
It's not a simple as that.
My take on ow is that as she is in a new relationship so soon, she was probably seeing her other , other man at the same time as your dh.

His feelings are not love but infatuation and the relationship would not have worked.
I mean dh, he didn't leave you for her
As the wife you hold all the cards.
Hold your head high
What you plan to do in your update is spot on
Go easy on yourself.

I’m so sorry op. I’ve no personal experience but I didn’t want to read and run.
Agree with pp don’t rush to make a decision. Go to the counselling. I totally get what you’re saying, before I had kids I would have been zero tolerance if dh had cheated he’d have been straight out the door but it’s not that simple once kids are involved. Like you, I think I would explore every avenue to keep my family together BUT only you will know if this so something you can get past.
I hope it all works out for you. 💐

Just wanted to send support. I’ve been in a similar situation with ex husband having an affair with someone I know, she came round our house a few times when she knew I was also there etc and it’s hard but you will get through it I promise. People said that to me and I just couldn’t see how I’d ever get through it all but I did. Lean on good friends and family for support whenever you need to. Even if you can’t see it now, which you probably can’t, you’ll be ok x

Staying with someone who doesn’t love you and who you can’t trust, and who has zero respect for you, is just asking for a world of pain.

it’s natural to want and to try to cling onto your life and normality as much as possible but it’s over and trying to maintain it just involves huge amounts of denial.

I don’t believe it’s possible to ‘survive’ an affair without it. Possible in the short term maybe but it’s not uncommon for the whole thing to unravel a few years down the line.

wishing you all the best OP. You’re in shock right now so you don’t need to make any decisions. Once you’ve had some time to process you’ll know intuitively what is right. He won’t change.

No advice on how to over come it. However it can be done I believe (obviously I don’t see the day to day private life) but my DPs dad had an affair when my DP was a teen, so nearly 20 years ago and honestly if I hadn’t been told I wouldn’t know. They seem happy

In the long term it will eat you up.
Hes not over her
I don’t think you can come back from this

OP, I have read your update and I have two theories of why he told you about the affair just after you talked to her on the event.
He wants you to end the relationship so he can pursue her thinking this new partner won't last long. (you don't know what they have been talking recently), or he is felling guilty and want you to fell at least some guilt and make you miserable.

You have said you have zero family support and two little kids. Unfortunately, you have zero family support, two little kids and a selfish liar to deal with.
I personally would opt out and drop the selfish liar. All the good they can do on the daily stuff is negligible if you compare it with the damage they do in the big scheme of life.

You don't have to divorce yet, in the foreseeable future or ever. You can try to make it work, but he has to put all in, if not, I don't see this working. Take it slowly and day by day and make the best decision.
Don't feel overwhelmed about being a single mother, as hard as it is, we cope and the best bit is that we don't have to deal with selfish liars, just with daily stuff and kids.

All the best.

I'm so sorry @AnotherObliviousWife 💐. What an awful shock.

I don't think you will be able to protect your DC from this by staying together and not telling them. I didn't find out about my dad's affair until I was 37, but it explained so much about my upbringing that was confusing and wrong.

Take some time to do what is best for your future.

We attended an event yesterday where we unexpectedly bumped into OW and I was happily chatting to her

At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs.

Whoa, these things have happened very quickly! Sounds like you haven’t even given yourself time to be angry and to grieve without going into fix it mode.

I’m not saying LTB but at least give yourself time to process the betrayal and lies without feeling like you have to play nice with him.

This was my experience. We dragged it out for a few years and eventually he packed up and left one day while I was at work because HE ‘couldn’t take it any more’.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through . You’re right though, when it’s your real life then it’s not as easy.

I’ve been through similar so what I will say is you need some time to process what you’ve been told. Ask him to sleep elsewhere for a couple of nights so you can digest it all. You need to cry, you need to feel the hurt and you will eventually feel angry.
Write down any questions you have- you’ll have loads.
Then when you’re ready, talk to him. Don’t commit to staying just yet as it’s all so raw, you don’t really know what you want.

Couples therapy is good but you’ll also need therapy for you as this is about to wreck any confidence you had in yourself and ruin all your trust. Personally I hated myself for staying and hated what he done to me, I really need to talk through everything I was feeling to try make sense of it all.

Have you told anyone in real life? I know it’s scary and i know it makes it all very real but you need proper support and someone to be there for you.
Also please take some time off of work (if you can) just a couple of days whilst this is raw.

All I can say is that the younger you do it, the easier it will be for the kids. The baby won’t know any different, and the 3 year old will soon adapt and it will be easier for him than when he is older.

You can always stay with him due to the reasons you stated in your first post. Just don't expect anything from him. No loyalty, no trust. He will do it again. Build yourself up so it doesn't bother you when he does.

I don't believe couples therapy with someone as deceitful, cruel and manipulative as this would help at all.

Massive massive character flaws cannot be fixed.

There is no way I could consider forgiving this. 2 years of constant lies and deceit. She ended it, not him. There were likely some feelings involved.

You're in a difficult decision so take time to consider what you want. But never trust him again as cheaters often do it again and you know now how well he can compartmentalise

The killer for me here would be that he clearly has feelings for her. All of it is appalling, but that’s the real sting in the tail.