Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

I'm so sorry OP. Would it be prudent to pursue therapy for just yourself in the first instance, it may help you process your feelings. You can then move on to couples therapy once you are more aware of how you feel and what your boundaries are.

There doesn't need to be any sudden reactions at this point, it's a slow burner, but hopefully I time you will understand more about what you actually want.

So sorry that you're going through this, OP.

I'd have just one question for him: if the OW changed her mind and wanted you back, would you restart the affair?

His reaction to seeing her yesterday makes me think he would.

I’m sorry op. This is hard.

I do wonder if he’s out, he wants to be with her and is going through the motions right now so he can say he tried and was looking for you to end it, as he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy, he’s given so much detail it indicates it.

I think I’d prepare for it to end, I’m sorry

And don't be fooled. He will definitely do it again. They absolutely always do. That's who they are.

But some of them get better at hiding it.

I’m not sure he did, I think he confessed as he ultimately wishes to be with her,

Sorry didn't read the update. Glad you have a slot to see your therapist. Take your time OP x

I'm so very sorry op. It's quick for people to say to leave but when there are children and finances involved. It's really difficult. An affair is not something you can get over, but what hurts the most is, when your oh has feelings for the ow. It's not something you can get over. I really do hope you're ok? You have us to talk to. Most importantly, look after yourself, make time for you. He is in the wrong, whatever you do, don't let him guilt trip your or let you feel sorry for him. Make his life difficult. He didn't think of you when he was having an affair, why should you think of him now?

Wow, two years. I couldn’t get past this and I’m afraid he’s emotionally as well as physically involved with her so will probably keep happening. He’s already told you he has feelings for her.

I would look at what your future would be without him - what kinds of benefits would you be entitled to? You could do it, you know. Don’t settle for a half life, always wondering where his heart and head are.

OP, this is all very, very fresh. However you're feeling today could be very different from how you're feeling in a month or so.

I suspect what you really want isn't to work through this and stay together, it's that you want so badly for it to not have happened. The problem is, you can never unring that bell. While you were recovering from giving birth through to all the excitement of becoming pregnant again, he was sleeping with your friend behind your back. At your most vulnerable and when you needed him the most, he, very purposely, turned his back on you.
Were you trying for baby number 2? If so it just shows how litter disregard he has for you and your family unit.

Just think, whenever he says he's sorry, this is the same man that told you he loved you and then snuck off to shag someone. Whenever he says he only wants you, it's the same man who lied about where he was so he could shag your friend. You will never, ever feel like you're enough for him because he's proven that you aren't.

He deceived you. He deceived his friend. When the time comes, he'll absolutely do it again.

Dear OP, you are in the same scenario as my friend. She decided not to punish herself financially (he is a partner and she is an associate) and logistically (she is from France, she has no support or family here) for her husband's betrayal. She did not divorce him, they are very civil together but they live separate sex lives. She has her own love interest and he is currently on his own after his OW dumped him. I also have a friend who was not married, had a DP, but on finding out about his affair, dumped him and was left with the children. I know it is a different scenario as they were not married, but she had to downsize in every respect, had to battle for child support in court for every penny and then he simply chucked his job (parents rich) not to pay child support. Posters here often come up with platitudes - dump him, I would not tolerate this behaviour, once a cheater, you will find somebody who will appreciate you, etc. Guess what - the first friend of mine is now relaxed, she knows her children will inherit from him in the end, home life is civilised, father is full-time, none of that week-end parent nonsense. She did not stay with him for the sake of the children, she stayed with him for her own sake - divorce from a non-abusive man, good provider, civilised person is such hassle. And no, there are not many eligible takers for divorced women with children, if I am being honest.

The reason he did this is because of entitlement.

If he had any respect he would have backed off from her when OP said their friendship made her uncomfortable - not shown her innocent messages while hiding incriminating ones.

I’m really sorry this is happening, OP, it is devastating; I would agree you shouldn’t rush any decisions, but I don’t think you will ever fully trust him again. Have counselling for yourself, and let the OW’s husband know, if you can.

The timeline reads like it’s been over for a year, but lasted two years before that - so it started 3 years ago, your oldest child is three is that right? So basically the first two years of your child’s life he was having an affair with your friend?

Please don’t say he’s a good dad.

If you have any empathy op you need to tell your husband to drop the ow ex husband without word. My blood boils for him imagine playing 🏌️‍♂️ ⛳️ with somebody who shagged your wife in your house while you slept? Jeremy kyle and actually quite evil.

I really feel for you, what a shock. Hopefully your counsellor will help you to process what has happened. For now, take your time and make no promises at all to him about the future.

I can completely understand your worries about ending the relationship in terms of costs and childcare. However, don't forget that these days of high childcare costs are short. If your oldest is already 3, it's only a year before they start school and that cost is significantly reduced. By the time you have thought things through and made a decision, it will be less than a year.

It never fails to amaze me, the decisions people make when something like this happens, so I won't thrust upon you my own opinion about what I would do in the circumstances. However, as pointed out by pp, you need to be fully accepting of the fact that he obviously gets a turn on from the fact he is taking risks (daytime sex in a car where people may see etc), particularly high risk deceit (sex with your friend's wife when he's asleep upstairs etc, this really isn't just normal affair territory, it is more than that) so this is very unlikely to just stop. He'll soon seek thrills again, so you need to be fully aware of that risk. The brass neck of him and OW to continue his hobby with the husband and for her to chat to you about the baby!

OP you poor woman 😔

I can't imagine how this has affected you. I mean 2 years is a long time and for him to say he has feeling for her too that's a massive blow for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really shit.

I hope your able too heal and find the strength to get through this awful time ❤️make sure you surround your self with friends and family so you can get the support you most definitely need during this time.

OP - you need to see this for what it is. Emotional abuse by your partner. He has betrayed you repeatedly - he has put you in a horrific situation - he has humiliated you and lied to you repeatedly with someone you trusted.

he is abusive. that is the word you need to understand.

This is not a 'little cheating' in a long marriage - it is major scale abuse of you and putting you in an awful position.

You can't stay with him - sorry - but a stranger on the internet can tell you what friends might pause to say. This is not on the level to be forgiven.

He is not safe, he doesn't have your interests at heart - or those of the children - and he is content to betray and lie to everyone around him for his own pleasure.

please - take your time, get help and plot your way out.

As others have said - a good dad doesn't do this to his family.

Your children will get older, the childcare situation will change. They need to grow up with a mum who is safe, who is not being abused by their dad through lies and betrayal.

If he is good at doing 50/50 - you will use that time to work, to earn - I hae seen this with divorced friends - despite missing their kids they use the time to keep their earnings up / to build a new life/ meet new friends etc

Couples counselling isn’t advisable at this stage - the marriage didn’t cheat. Individual counselling is. You are at risk of PTSD too.

Controversial but I would tell her ex husband and if she was with her new partner at the time I would tell him too. I’d do this to shed light on the situation and make them both face the reality of what they have done. Your husband can lose his friend (your husband isn’t his friend anyway). Do not even hint to your husband that you may do this as he will most likely tell her so she can cover their tracks.

Read the book ‘not just friends’ and ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’. Expect trickle truth and go onto the surviving infidelity website for support. They have a reconciliation and divorce section.

How are you feeling today? Do you have real life support?

@SplendidPendips has absolutely nailed it. Particularly this:

“However, as pointed out by pp, you need to be fully accepting of the fact that he obviously gets a turn on from the fact he is taking risks (daytime sex in a car where people may see etc), particularly high risk deceit (sex with your friend's wife when he's asleep upstairs etc, this really isn't just normal affair territory, it is more than that) so this is very unlikely to just stop. He'll soon seek thrills again, so you need to be fully aware of that risk. The brass neck of him and OW to continue his hobby with the husband and for her to chat to you about the baby!”

It’s so grubby.

Also, look at timing. This hasn’t happened after 20/25 years of unblemished loyalty. This is only 7 years in, when you’ve just had his baby and he should be feeling at his most protective of you and his little family. The same feeling of protectiveness should have stopped him throwing a bomb into your family by confessing now, but it didn’t. This is an incredibly selfish and overall uncaring man.

I do think you’re going to find that there’s no way back from this BUT take your time. You don’t need to make a decision yet. You have time. Indeed, you might not be able to change your mind if you end the marriage now, but you can certainly change your mind and end it in a few years’ time if you don’t end it now.

Probably best to avoid couples’ therapy for now. It’s too soon. Focus on yourself.

Finally, it is concerning that you have no-one to discuss this with IRL. It sounds as if you may have become a bit isolated. Is there something for you to explore there also with your therapist?

This resource isn’t mentioned much but as people have mentioned him getting a thrill out of being caught - minwalla ‘secret sexual basement’. I do see affairs as seedy now. It’s ruined films and books (about affairs) for me I just see the cheaters as losers with poor character traits (which I then look out for).

He will certainly have several other poor personality traits, okay with lying/omitting truth. People pleasing. Needing external validation or ego kibbles. Poor communication skills. Defensiveness. Addictions (alcohol or drugs). Perfectionism. Etc. Unless he recognises why he chose to betray his own values he isn’t a safe partner.

minwallamodel.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021-1.pdf

@AnotherObliviousWife this is awful. I’m sorry. I wonder if he was jealous of you when he saw you chatting with OW because you still
have a relationship (or you did until then). Or did he genuinely feel massive guilt, or was he bricking it that she would tell you (most likely) and wanted to get in first? He probably foresaw a moment where his friend found out, too.

I mean, he has properly betrayed you and his best friend - who does that?

I was not married but years ago a boyfriend cheated on me with a workmate. The pair of them lied through their teeth to me - making me doubt myself and think I was going mad (questioning him) and turned out I was right all along. Not sure what was worse; the infidelity or the denials and betrayal. We did try to make a go of it but in the end I couldn’t get past it.

I don’t think I could trust DH ever again in your shoes and I think you might need some time apart before you can even consider it, if you decide to stay (and he needs therapy to unpick it all - maybe it was all about the thrill of being caught and getting one over on his best friend somehow - their dynamic - and not about your relationship). But clearly OW didn’t think you and he were still having a relationship hence the end when she found out you were pregnant.

I would say that he wants you to tell the husband. He ends it with his wife and the two of them can be together. He was having sex with someone else whilst you were trying for a baby?

you can not forgive this and don’t need to. Show him the door.

He's not only betrayed you and your children but also his very good friend. He has told you because he is so visibly upset about the split with the OW, seeing her today, and the fact she now has somebody else and it's caused him to act totally irrationally.

I could not get over this betrayal and I would certainly be telling his so called friend and I would ask him to leave.

Defonitely no couples counselling, not appropriate here as he has betrayed you for so long. Do individual counselling, get legal advice and start planning your long term future.
Could you continue in your job I’d you moved nearer to people who could support you?

I do know friends who have rebuilt from where you are now, and have decent relationships now.

The best advice I had was that I didn’t need to decide everything right away. I also found having a time of sleeping in separate rooms and having my own space + counselling and journaling + doing some fun things on my own helped me to feel whole again and able to make clearer decisions.