Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

He has confessed as he has not been able to hide being visibly upset at seeing her. He’s not perturbed by you naively thinking her a friend you can happily chat to. He doesn’t do guilt.
Even though the physical affair ended some time ago, your DH has not detached from her emotionally. This is more than sex, OP.

So sorry 💐

Like PP’s have said, don’t even entertain couples counselling until you have fully processed what’s happened. You must be in complete shock.

You need all the facts, him to be 100% truthful with you and counselling/therapy by yourself before you even consider couples counselling. It will be a waste of time and money if not.

The biggest red flag is that he only came clean because the OW broke it off. If she hadn’t have broke it off he would still happily be seeing her behind your back. He’s not upset because he’s sorry. He’s upset because he’s had to come clean. Bastard.

You’re worth so much more.

Echoing what others suggest for you to have individual counselling, regardless of if you have couples counselling or not. And OBVIOUSLY he should pay.

He's still hung up on her. Of course he's saying all the right things, but it would be naive to think he wouldn't have her back in a flash if she would let him.

Then make a plan to leave when you're off maternity pay and back to being a high earner. Your kids won't live in poverty. The father will also have to pay maintenance.

This is a man who fucks a woman while knowing her kids or husband could walk in on them at any moment. That's sociopathic behaviour. Marriage counselling will do nothing, because it's not a couple problem. It's about him. His character is the problem.
You do need away from him. People like this absolutely do not change. Visit chumplady.com to get support.

Exactly. It's creepy as hell. He is not normal.

I think there's something about the timing of his confession that makes me wonder if it was driven by him seeing the OW happy and content with her new life and relationship. I could be wrong but there may be an element of trying implode her new world (she's moved on from him), and your world getting blown up is collateral damage

She ended it because he has lied to her, he'd obviously told her you were no longer intimate and only together for the kids, a lie that was impossible to continue once you were pregnant.

I don't think this man is motivated to repent and save his marriage, he has strong and complex feelings for the OW still.

I think the next weeks and months are going to be the hardest of your life. Try to survive.

On MN, you will get some really honest answers from people who have been through similar but you also get a lot of opinions from people who tell you what they would do but who haven’t actually been through infidelity. Which is probably meant with good intentions but the reality is that they don’t know your situation, you or your husband so just bear that in mind. It’s so so different when you are in it.

My advice is to just get through at the moment, taking the easiest route whilst your mind gets less scrambled from the trauma. I can tell you that you will probably get much much worse in next few days/weeks as the enormity of what has happened is realised.
The anger and sadness will still be there whether he is there helping with the children or not, so let him help. It’s not wasting time, it’s just life goes on when at times you won’t feel able.

With regard to your marriage, I think you will know if it/he is worth it. That might take a while to understand though and it’s always ok to change your mind, no decision is written in stone. It’s not a given he would do it again, it is not a given that you’ll be unhappy forever if you stay or happy if you go. Make the best decisions for yourself in that present moment.

I completely relate and feel for you. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this - it’s hell. But the hell will not last forever even if it feels like it will. Sending love xx

or, him wanting the op to blow up his world so he can say he tried and go after the ow? It just seems so impossible it’s motivated purely by guilt over his TWO YEAR AFFAIR WHILE HIS WIFE HAD HIS BABIES AND THEY ALL SOCIALISED TOGETHER or love for the op.
op; if you stay, what are you staying for? Not trust, there isn’t any of that left. Just stability for the kids. You need to explore whether that’s enough with counselling. It’s certainly not enough for your mental health to survive if there’s also an unequal load at home and you look after him.

Make arrangements to leave. It’s not easy, but in the long term it’s easier than wasting your life on this man. You’ll never get over it and it’ll eat away at you, the dinners together, the dishonesty and deception.

I was going to suggest chump lady. You're absolutely right.

Ducks in a row and bide your time while on mat leave and then get rid of him once you're back earning a full wage again.

You poor thing, it will take a lot to get past this. You are going to be following The Script before long and you have to think of yourself and your babies. He is the selfish one, and this will destroy 2 families, not just yours. Do you think you can get past it... do you think you can forgive him? Do it for you, not what could have been as that's gone forever. I personally didn't get past it and absolutely hated him and her, but me and the children were OK you know.

I am astonished reading this. I am so so sorry op. You must be stunned.

They had sex whilst her family was asleep upstairs?

And this went on for two years.

What truly truly awful people.

I don't believe ow ended it out of some sense of duty because you were pg, op. She ended it because your h told her the usual shit that you weren't having sex anymore, the relationship was dead in all but name etc. She was pissed off.

And now your h is pissed off because she's moved on to someone new.

I personally don't believe there is any come back from affairs. The cheated on person has to eat a lot of shit sandwich (to use a Chump Lady phrase - google her. She's great) and swallow all that resentment.

Your children will not grow up in poverty. You are there. You are their rock. You earn good money. You don't have to get divorced right away but I would start planning for when you get back off maternity leave.

There is something very wrong with your h. He is a cruel man who has no regard for anyone other than his own feelings and desires. This is not a good father either by the way.

He will do it again, given the opportunity. This is who he is. The level of constant deceit, manipulation and cruelty for so long is indicative of who he is. A rotten egg.

I think also you should tell ow's ex h. The poor bloke. Doesn't he deserve to know so he can make a decision on which friends he has knowing what they're really like? He will feel like a fool but at least he will know the truth. It is awful not knowing and others knowing.

You are reeling now, in shock and devastation. I bet you never thought this could happen to you. We all do. It takes time to process and absorb the true meaning of it all.

But you will find your power. And your anger because your pride will kick in.

I wouldn't discuss anything with your h at the moment. You're not in a place to be able to visualise the future with or without him. Plus he needs to squirm a bit regardless.

Take your time. Tell your trusted friends or family. Don't keep it a secret. Why should you? Stop protecting your h from people knowing what he really is. And the truth is the best way for you.

I think him seeing her again triggered a response in him to make him confess up to you. She is just as bad, she didn't have to chat to you. I think she knows what hold she has over him, and was testing him or showing off to him telling him what he is missing, and he could not help himself. He feels guilty, and still wants her and this is his way of proving his love for her. He wants her back.

I’m so sorry, what a terrible thing to find out.

I agree with many posters above, they have both treated you appallingly, and cruelly.
You are a new mum with two very small children, this should be a lovely happy time, and so my heart goes out to you that he has done this to you all.
Take your time, plan over the coming weeks and months a good life for you and your DC, you do deserve much more.

I’m so sorry op. This went on for two years? It only ended when she realised he was still sleeping with you? Your H is a selfish man who will not put in the work to try and fix this (even if you want to try fixing it - and I wouldn’t if I were you, but I appreciate you have small children). I think as you process this you will likely find the anger some of us are feeling reading this, at the absolute shit your H is. Counselling, for you alone, is a good shout to start with. I’m really sorry you are going through this, and your H is not the man you thought he was.

OP why did he tell you?

What was his motivation? What was he hoping to achieve?

I'm confused why he has suddenly told you.

You say he saw you and OW chatting and that made him tell you. Is it because he's struggling with the separation from her and seeing her chatting with you upset him so he told you to relieve himself of some discomfort? I'm just not understanding what reason he had for telling you if he's broken off.

It feels like it was to assuage something in him. Not to be a better person or thinking of you.

This was not a moment of passion fuelled by alcohol.
He has systematically been deceiving you for 2 years. She finished it, he will not be over that.
If you was beating you senseless for 2 years, you would find a way to leave. You would find the money, you'd live in shit to protect your children and yourself. This is no different. You will be emotionally scarred. You will never trust him. Your kids will pick up on the inevitable undercurrents of resentement and mistrust that will follow your marriage from now
The reasons you are giving not to leave are actually excuses becausexthis is a very frightening step to take.
But don't let this man diminish you. Don't let yourself be weak. Show your kids what a woman can do when wronged xx

God this is awful OP. What a vile man he is. Why confess now and why the level of detail.

I would have to end it as I could never look at him in the same way.

Have some self respect OP. You can't salvage this marriage and you'll break yourself trying. Don't waste your best years. Get out whilst your children are young (they won't remember any different) and live the life you deserve.

Nah couples counselling wont work. He'll tell you what you want to hear and then when the heat is off will resume with woman.

Has the OW told her husband / partner ? If not, that needs to be done.

You by your own admission would be financially independent in time so you really don't need to put up with this.

They won't be growing up without a Dad, he will be around just not on a full time basis. Don't bear the guilt of the consequences of his actions.

IME there's no going back.

You must, you can, you will triumph.

This is a very, very deceitful man.

He still sounds perfectly happy to hang around with the poor friend, how can he not feel enough guilt to stop meeting up with him? It would be so so easy to just back away from the friendship. He slept with his wife while he was asleep upstairs and still acts as a friend! What a snake of a man.

I know it will be hard but believe in yourself and trust yourself, get rid of this piece of crap, he's disrespected you in the worst possible way sack him off and start again, but I also wouldn't let the sly bitch who was carrying on with him get away with it, her husband needs to be told about this.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Just reading your post reminded me of that awful gut punch feeling of finding out. It really is like you have been hit to the ground and completely winded. I really feel for you.
My exH cheated for a year but only confessed that years later. For several years he let me think it was a short-lived thing & so we tried to make it work for the kids' sake.
It was very hard and, with hindsight, a mistake. We never fully recovered and I never felt "natural" or fully comfortable with him again.
For your sake and that of your children please look into leaving him. If you have a good job as does he and he is an interested father the reality is that you won't live in poverty.
But the person who will suffer the most if you stay is you and you don't deserve that.