Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

You don’t have to decide today. Or tomorrow. Or in 6 months.

He is utterly depraved and revolting. My stomach turns just reading this. My exH did similar to me OP, I know how devastated you must be.

If you decide to go it alone, you will find a way to get through. Money may be tight but you’ll be free of him and his betrayal, living life on your own terms. Just take it a step at a time and I’m glad to read you have a counsellor lined up for tomorrow. You’re fighting back already.

I stayed with my husband after his affair. Now I wish I hadn't, but at the time it was what I wanted, and it would have been an awful way to split up. I've never fully trusted him again, and any promises to change anything in our relationship are long since by the wayside. He's now having an affair with alcohol. If he doesn't address, by himself, what led him to the affair, he won't change.

I found Esther Perel's TED talk on affairs very helpful at the time, just for the idea that people can choose to stay together. But I would give yourself a lot of time and think very hard about it. I'm so sorry you're in this position xx

I can't get past the having sex on the sofa while her husband and kids were sleeping upstairs.

@AnotherObliviousWife - sadly I was also once an oblivious wife, like many others.

You can’t make this decision right now, it’s too raw and you’re in shock. It’s a big bloody shock. You need to speak to someone in real life, you need to vent and cry, away from him.

But eventually you will have to make a choice. Leaving seems almost impossible, and a life you certainly didn’t plan for. It won’t be easy, it’ll be hard. However, one day you will look back and be glad you made the choice to leave.
If you stay, it won’t ever be the same as before. It won’t be the type of life you planned for. You won’t ever really love or respect your “D”H ever again. You’ll likely feel resentment, jealousy, and paranoid waiting for him to do the same thing again. The trust will be gone.

It’s an awful thing to go through, and this is going to take time, so what’s important right now is you find someone to speak to about this in real life. Take care of yourself OP.

Why would he just confess out of the blue? She's clearly threatened to tell you or forced his hand in some way.

He sounds like a waste of space and frankly, you need to pick your self respect up off the floor and leave. Counselling for yourself sounds like a good idea, but for the both of you to work on your marriage? Your standards are surely not that low.

I can understand how you are shocked and in panic-denial mode. You don't want your life to change, particularly financially. But everything has changed. Your husband isn't who you thought he was and he has treated you with contempt.

He's not the sort to feel guilt if he could lie to you for two years so I'd have a think about why he has revealed the truth now. There's every chance he's hoping you'll finish it and give him the opportunity to pursue his OW again.

Don't forgive him, don't take him back.

If its not practical to divorce right now, don't. Be amicable, live together, co-parent. But be clear, he's destroyed the relationship, and the family life, and the burden of that is on him. Once in a better position, kids older, you have a more clear plan, you feel stronger etc, go about going your separate ways. Stay civil and make a routine, but end goal will always to be to drop the dirty cheat.

I cannot support the counselling/giving it another go route whatsoever, I'd never want to touch him again if I was in your shoes.

Sorry you are going through this.

Oh OP, heartbreaking betrayal. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think I'd probably fixate on WHY this has all come out. On the surface he didn't need to tell you so why bring this hurt to your door? As a clearly self centred prick, there's something in it for him.
Also excellent points about thrill seeking behaviour. That's not going to disappear.

There's no rush. You have so much to wade through, reflecting on the last 2-3 years through this very new lens.
I think you will find peace and a happy life, but I doubt it will be with this man.
I can only see someone that self centred and deceptive bringing more misery - and what you accept is what will continue and all that. But I do understand the practical upheaval is mind blowing, especially when you're so hurt & vulnerable and probably want comfort from the one person you thought you could rely on.

I really wish you & your children well.

This is really sound.

In my case I was just desperate to go back to status quo, without the life upheaval. But the reality is that status quo is gone forever and you can never get it back anyway.

Sounds like it is over, you must tell him he can never see her again, and he must tell her you now know and any friendship is over (between him and her, and between you and her). No interaction at all. After that see how things go and decide what you want to do long term. Do what's best for you and the children, and no one can tell you what that is, it's your decision and you know your DH best.

You don’t have to do anything. You’re in shock and will need time to process

My advice would be to get yourself on Surviving Infidelity. Whether you stay or go the experience there and the advice is second to none. Read in their just found out forum at first while you process the trauma you will be going through.

I found reading around the subject really helpful, ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ helps you to understand cheater mindset and how utterly pathetic, predictable and grim it all is. Affairs aren’t (as a general rule) about great love, they’re born from deep rooted selfishness and entitlement. ‘Not just friends’ and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ really helped me unpick affair psychology.

Knowledge is power.

Don’t down the route of couples counselling until he has done some serious work on himself in therapy as this is where you can become incredibly resentful and more damage can be done.

I reconciled, I’m really happy and have a good few friends now who are also. The key was communication and drive to be together and work through it. And that drive needed to be from the cheat to rebuild trust. But I know this is not for everyone and I also recognise cheats are not a good bet.

Time will help you see who your husband chooses to be moving forward.

Defintely get yourself on Surviving Infidelity though. It really saved my sanity in the early days.

But as others have said maybe he is leading up to saying he's leaving you for her and just 'softening' the blow by telling you about the affair. Be prepared.

I agree this is tempting but for all we know her DH is aware & either gets off on it or they secretly have an open marriage. The friendship with this couple would have to end thats one thing for certain 🤦‍♀️

He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car ... they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs

And they say romance is dead

I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with this OP, and yes both the counselling and taking your time over the decision are wise. Unfortunately, with something this longstanding, you'll need to accept that if you stay there's every likelihood of it resuming, while the agony turns you into a shadow of your former self

At that point his narrative may change to it all being your fault because you "wouldn't let it go" and have turned into a mistrustful doubting nag, and whatever was left of your regard for each other will slowly fritter away

Sadly this is generally the reality of it; it's a hideous decision to have to make, but at least make it on that basis

I understand your reasons for not leaving. In your shoes I'd be tempted to play a long game. First I'd try to kill off any feelings I had for him whatsoever, and cultivate indifference. Then I would simply make the most of my life given the resources the marriage allows, and have affairs behind his back. What I would not do is allow myself to believe in that man you're married to ever again, let alone carry on loving him.

Apologies, missed the update saying the OW & her DH are both with different partners. They could still have some unusual circumstances though within this relationship. Avoid this couple like the plague OP. If you do work it out with DH he'd have to do the same.

I'm so sorry.
He told you because he's in love with her. Seeing her upset him.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else regardless of finances etc. It will eat you up.
However- only you can decide x

On the other end of it tho he could be sat thinking he's got a good friend unaware that he's been utterly betrayed by an absolute snake 🐍 I think that's so humiliating

Hi OP
Im so sorry you are going through this
I think there is a one thing to get over a one night stand, but betrayal of this magnitude, the deceit over 2 YEARS
women in far worse situations than you manage to get divorces and live happy life
you woild get child maintenance, child benefiot, check if you qualify for UC , there are benefits checkers onluine.
Speak to a lawyer
do not make a decision on assumption you wont get help, and that you wont manage
you can absolutely
and as someone who went to couples therapy after being cheated on I wish I didn't waste my time and money and tears
I wish I got information and LTB instead having limiting beliefs

Glad you are getting therapy OP. I think that seeing her had such an impact on him is telling. He is still very emotionally attached to her. Take your time but you’ve hardly had the ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake’ confession. I have friends who went through similar and have made it work after years of therapy. She did make it on her terms-including making him sign over the house to her name only and a legal agreement that in the case of divorce for any reason he would not make any claim on the house. If you do stay make it on your terms.

Piece of 💩, again and again.
I'm sorry.
I understand you have young children,
if this happened to me, I'd be off in a jiffy.
Not sure how to get past this, I'm at the age when a "revenge affair" would just make me sick.
💐

👆 exactly ☹️

Have not read whole thread. Hugs OP. Sorry.

Just wanted to say, even before I read the line where Dh admitted he has feelings for her, that stood out to me miles off. I am sorry.

Take your time. Do Counselling etc etc and see how you feel. This doesn't seem like you need to make any decision straight away.
@AnotherObliviousWife

Agreed. Sorry OP.