Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

Good luck to you, and well done for making the decision.
Ive also gone back and forth over the years, had the promises he’d change, but I’m still here for financial security and because I don’t want to be alone.
The one mistake I’ve always made is to have a conversation with him, rather than saying it’s over and it will end. I’ve allowed him to bring me round. Be strong and go for what you want.

Thanks @DustyLee123 do you want to leave? I've told my parents and siblings this morning. The more people I tell the more real it feels

Do you have a plan of where to go and what you are taking? Make sure you have all your personal papers including banking, pensions, passport, marriage and birth certificates. All medications. Anything that is sentimental such as ornaments or photos (get copies or just take but give him copies back). Change passwords on everything as you don't know what he knows.

You can do this. After five years of his false promises and lies it is time ❤

Good luck, and well done on making a decision. I really need to do this myself but I'm very conflict averse, and don't know what would be best for our kids. I hope you feel better once it's done

OP have a look in to the ‘Sunk Cost Fallacy’, this might explain your hesitation in leaving. In short it is our tendency to continue with something that we’ve already invested heavily in (be it time, money, effort, emotional energy, etc…), even when calling it quits it the better option. The more you have put in, the harder it is to walk away.

Leaving your partner now might feel like you have wasted 5 years and all the effort contained within for nothing. That somehow it would all be worth it if you managed to salvage your marriage. But if the only reason keeping you in this, is feeling you don’t want to sacrifice what you have already ‘sunk’ in then it is better to cut your losses and start moving forward.

Try to imagine yourself in 5 years time still in the same position you are now, looking back and wishing to had walked away only 5 years ‘too late’.

The bottom line is. You deserve happiness. And peace. And love. You shouldn’t have to fight for the person you are with to treat you with respect.

Whatever support network you have, use it! Don’t be afraid to lean on friends and family to help you through. By strengthening these other bonds, your trauma bond with your partner can finally diminish. Think of it like threads on a spider web. If your ‘trauma bond thread’ is all that is holding you, it will have to be strong to keep your web intact. If you start building and strengthening new threads, the pressure on the trauma bond thread will ease and eventually your web will stand strong without it.

So a little update: he has decided he is moving out which I'm fine with. So I'm just waiting for him to go. Although I don't know whether this is just a 'test' to see if I will pander to him and tell him not to go. Previously, I've always been weak and asked to give us another chance as I felt like my workday would be over.

Thankfully I have a great support system, I've only told my parents, siblings, aunty and my manager and they have all been amazing!

I told my boss as depending on what happens I might need some time off or move city back to my home town and I wanted to know if it was doable. He has been checking on me daily since.

After talking about it openly I feel so much better, it feels like I've been walking on egg shells so long trying to pretend everything was ok that it feels like a relief to stop.

Although it is quite difficult being in the same house, DH has suddenly been very charming and helpful and I really hope I don't be stupid and fall for his act again.

Stay strong and remember what YOU want.

He said he will move out BUT is he actually going to go or us this him staying in control?

I would seriously make plans to leave as I doubt he will leave like that is he is currently on the charm offensive. It sounds like part of his nice/nasty cycle.

Hi Op how are you? Here for a hand hold!! Stay strong .
I need to leave too so I know how you feel! Do you have DCs , pets or is it pretty straightforward

Thanks all!

No DC's or pets which makes it a bit easier. Agree on the point on whether he's actually going to leave. He keeps looking at properties and making the right sounds but I feel like it maybe an act? I think he's trying to test me by seeing my reaction and thinks I'll beg him not to go. I don't know.

But yes maybe I should leave instead, I just don't have the head space to start thinking of packing everything up and where it would all go.

Could you go and visit your family for a while, decompress a bit and then tackle packing up your stuff?

I would take sentimental and valuable items with you/leave them with a friend ASAP on the quiet in case he turns nasty.

If it was just me I would take control of the situation just let out room somewhere
pack most important items and go
Airbnb has longer term lets as well if you don’t know where to start looking

I feel so stuck, he's just asked if I want to go out for a drive and to get lunch? I think he's trying to go back to normal.

I said no, he has gone and I have a feeling he's going to come back in a foul mood.

I know I sound pathetic, but I'm so worn down from everything, I can't think straight

Of course he's charming now! And of course he wanted to spend time with you now! He knows the jig is up. You know it won't last. You are wasting your life with him.

You've no DC so he or you can just go.

Just get out OP. I wish I had.

💐💐💐💐

See Mr Nice and then Mr Nasty will reappear.

Have you read "Why does he do that?"

Have you read up on the cycles of abuse?

Have you read up about trauma bond?

Yes I've done all the reading which is why I feel even more stupid for falling for his tricks.

He has ADHD (diagnosed) and this morning I've been trying to justify that his behaviour isn't his fault even though I know there is no excuse for it.

I'm so scared of ending up alone and childless, I'm 35, I have fertility issues and I have no idea what my life will look like without him.

We've been together since we were 21.

Sending you strength OP.

I’ve been back and forth for a long time myself, I understand how hard it is.
I have just told my DH that I need some space and yet I’m still having a wobble, I feel like once it happens it will be final because of how he handles things. Technically this is a good thing as it’s no way to live, but it’s all the “what ifs” and the thought of missing having someone, even just in part.

If you do go ahead, don’t worry about your age for meeting someone/having children. I’ve heard a lot of stories about people meeting someone in their late 30’s/early 40’s and going on to start a family 💐

Sending you lots of strength
Is DH someone you would really want to raise children with?
You are still young don’t waste your precious time…
I hear that you are scared but
I really believe that you could be very happy even if you are single and don’t have children.

You can do this OP.

I have been where you are. Stay strong! If he is not going, then make arrangements to stay with someone else for a few days and tell him you want him gone by the time you come back.

Do he just returned home and bought me back flowers! And my favourite snacks. What is going on.

Talk about mixed signals

OP does someone in your family / friends have a spare room you can have for a few weeks?

He is playing at Mr Nice to reel you back in!

Talk about mixed signals

Really? You tell him it's over and he buys you flowers. Straight out of the manipulation book.

OP you are worth more than a cheap bunch of flowers. I would be throwing them straight in the bin.

All that bunch of flowers says is 'I don't care what you want. I'm going to ignore what you said about splitting up. I don't respect you enough to take any notice of what you said'.

Start looking for your own place. Otherwise you will be in the same unhappy position in another five years time.