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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me finally leave!

171 replies

throwaway88 · 17/07/2024 23:42

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

OP posts:
throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 15:43

@Cryingatthegym thank you, what did you say ti the doctor? I feel so silly/embarassed

OP posts:
throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 15:45

@peoniesaremyfave ahh it's crazy how so many people go through the same things. I do think you'll know when you're 'ready' but definitely rely on your support network, it really helps.

For ages I wasn't telling anyone as I thought no one would believe me (as DH is so charming and everyone loves him). Now looking back it was so silly, as soon as told anyone no one has ever questioned what I've said or how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 15:48

Thanks @Starlight1979 glad you got away quickly!

You're right - this morning he went out and bought breakfast, he hasn't done this in about 6 years! Tbf when I spoke to him yesterday I did mention the lack of effort on his part (breakfast was mentioned) so I think he's actively trying to show he is capable of actioning change.

OP posts:
throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 15:49

Thanks @WallaceinAnderland definitely need get back to my good vibes phase. I can definitely buy my own flowers!

OP posts:
DesparatePragmatist · 24/07/2024 17:21

OP, this isn't relevant for right now, but just a little contribution to help cross one thing off your worry list. I'm referring to your completely understandable worry about prospects for children.

I left a coercive relationship in my mid-30s, knowing that I wanted children and knowing this wasn't the right relationship to bring a child into - in fact it was that knowledge that propelled me to leave. Also knew that given the biological clock I could be walking away from my last chance to have a child. It was the predictable nightmare with stalking, threats and police involvement (very much hope this doesn't go the same way for you) and I felt completely lost and like a total failure.

Fast forward 20 years and I have 2 beautiful DC who are my world, by adoption and donor IVF. Maybe I did lose my last chance of biological DC, maybe I never would have had them with any partner due to fertility issues. It was certainly a much more complicated route to get to my family than some people have.

My point? It's ALL your choice. I chose to prioritise creating my family in the best way I could, which was to not be with the wrong partner, to access medical support when I had the right partner (wiping out my savings) and to offer a home to a child who needed one. All my choices. Other people would make different choices in the same circs.

Once you clearly take the reins on your life, and just make the choice that's right for you at each point, it's so much easier to ignore all the what ifs. They never go away, but you don't have to pay them too much attention.

So maybe cross off your future family concerns from your list and know that you can trust yourself to make the best choices later, because you're making the right choice now.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 24/07/2024 17:51

OP, he’s not going to change. This is who he is, he’s manipulative, abusive, unkind and unpleasant. You need to ignore any of his promises to change or do better because I’m certain he’s had those chances from you before, hasn’t he? He isn’t going to change and you’ve already said that you wished you left 5 years ago.

throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 18:32

@DesparatePragmatist thanks for sharing your story, what a beautiful happy ending!

OP posts:
throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 18:41

@Toastcrumbsinsofa I know, history shows that I'm being a fool to even entertain the fact that he might change. I just so desperately want to believe it. I dont believe he's an evil person, just someone that hasn't been taught how to behave and just mimics behaviour he saw growing up

When he was talking yesterday he said he realised that he has turned into a version of his dad (who wasn't a very good husband/dad) and this was always one of his biggest fears in life as he never wanted to be like him.

OP posts:
Cryingatthegym · 24/07/2024 21:55

throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 15:43

@Cryingatthegym thank you, what did you say ti the doctor? I feel so silly/embarassed

I felt the same, but I said something along the lines of I need a break from work because I'm struggling with some problems with my husband. I said I think my relationship is abusive. The GP asked some questions and it went from there. I'm really glad I did because they've been a great source of support. And it's a starting point.

If the GP feels too much, could you call Women's Aid? They'll listen to you and help you get your thoughts in order.

Cryingatthegym · 24/07/2024 22:06

throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 18:41

@Toastcrumbsinsofa I know, history shows that I'm being a fool to even entertain the fact that he might change. I just so desperately want to believe it. I dont believe he's an evil person, just someone that hasn't been taught how to behave and just mimics behaviour he saw growing up

When he was talking yesterday he said he realised that he has turned into a version of his dad (who wasn't a very good husband/dad) and this was always one of his biggest fears in life as he never wanted to be like him.

I recognise this feeling so, so much. It's so hard. The desperately wanting to believe in the 'good' version of him, to believe that he can be like that all the time. But that's cognitive dissonance. Your brain is struggling to compute that the 'good' version of him and the abusive version are the same person.

What you're experiencing now is part of the trauma bond, the intermittent reinforcement. Like a person who's been starved being grateful for being given a scrap of bread. But it is only scraps. If you zoom out and look at the bigger picture of your relationship you'll be able to see that.

Savemydrink · 24/07/2024 22:50

Once you are on that train, sit back, take a deep breath and smile.

Smile for new life you are about to start, away from the darkness that has enveloped you for the past decade.

You are not giving anything up, you are taking everything back!

Tomorrow is going to be the day you gain the most precious thing, you get your whole self back.

From now on, take care of this wonderful life that is yours. Do not stand for any person or thing that aims to harm you, not mentally or physically.

Be your own guardian, be strong, be happy.

The world is yours now, take it!!!

throwaway88 · 24/07/2024 23:01

Thanks @Savemydrink im so overwhelmed right now. I've just had a cry

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 24/07/2024 23:36

You will be ok, in fact you will be great
.
Do not doubt yourself, you know what you want, that train journey is the key to your happiness.

Leave the house early, get to the station in plenty of time. Get a coffee, sit on the platform and when the train arrives you will be calm. Settle into your seat and don't forget SMILE. You DID IT,

Almost there now

Let us know when you are on your way

Cryingatthegym · 25/07/2024 13:49

Good luck today @throwaway88!

WallaceinAnderland · 25/07/2024 14:18

he said he realised that he has turned into a version of his dad (who wasn't a very good husband/dad) and this was always one of his biggest fears in life as he never wanted to be like him

Surely you've heard this all before though. You have to understand by now that he will never change.

Pikapikapikachu11 · 25/07/2024 22:07

Did you go op?

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2024 14:53

I think we all know the answer to that.

peoniesaremyfave · 26/07/2024 15:26

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2024 14:53

I think we all know the answer to that.

Sorry to say but the OP came on for moral support rather than judgement which will likely put her off from posting on here if she hasn't left and make things worse. I'm not sure if you've been in this position but the judgement really doesn't help. What does she owe anyone on Mumsnet?

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2024 15:50

It's not judgement, it's a statement on the cycle with which we are all familiar.

OP knows that is repeating the cycle. One day maybe she will break it. Until that day comes, she will keep repeating.

Cryingatthegym · 26/07/2024 19:46

It's okay if she's not ready yet though. The hope and belief is such a strong thing. She needs our support whatever she's decided to do this time.

throwaway88 · 27/07/2024 11:22

Guys, I thought you'd have a bit more faith in me.

Apologies for not updating sooner, I've had a very busy few days. I left as planned, before I did DH asked me to hear him out again. I pretty much had a break down, I was so upset, my heart has never hurt like that before. As much as I don't want to admit it, I still love him so much and I can't comprehend never seeing him again.

Anyway, he then got teary seeing me upset. I just said I need time away, I need to clear my head. He said take as long as you need and the most important thing is your health. He said just get away, spend time with your family and friends and forget about everything that's happening with us for a while, focus on getting yourself to a good place as I can tell how mentally exhausted you are.

I'm currently at my parents. Yesterday I had plans with friends (the plans I mentioned a few posts ago) and they threw me a mini birthday surprise for my birthday from a few weeks ago. I had such a nice time, just forgot about everything and had a late night with them. I haven't mentioned anything to them but I am seeing one of the group one on one later today and I think I'll confide in her.

OP posts:
peoniesaremyfave · 27/07/2024 11:34

throwaway88 · 27/07/2024 11:22

Guys, I thought you'd have a bit more faith in me.

Apologies for not updating sooner, I've had a very busy few days. I left as planned, before I did DH asked me to hear him out again. I pretty much had a break down, I was so upset, my heart has never hurt like that before. As much as I don't want to admit it, I still love him so much and I can't comprehend never seeing him again.

Anyway, he then got teary seeing me upset. I just said I need time away, I need to clear my head. He said take as long as you need and the most important thing is your health. He said just get away, spend time with your family and friends and forget about everything that's happening with us for a while, focus on getting yourself to a good place as I can tell how mentally exhausted you are.

I'm currently at my parents. Yesterday I had plans with friends (the plans I mentioned a few posts ago) and they threw me a mini birthday surprise for my birthday from a few weeks ago. I had such a nice time, just forgot about everything and had a late night with them. I haven't mentioned anything to them but I am seeing one of the group one on one later today and I think I'll confide in her.

Well done! 💖hope you feel a bit better being away from it all and having some time to yourself, whatever you decide to do long term x

Pikapikapikachu11 · 27/07/2024 11:40

Well done op... hope you come to decisions right for you and your future

throwaway88 · 27/07/2024 14:54

Thanks @Cryingatthegym and @peoniesaremyfave I know we're all going through similar situations and it is SO hard.

I also understand why people don't get it, I certainly didn't when a close friend was going through it years ago. All she needed to do was leave, why stay somewhere that doesn't make you happy.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 27/07/2024 18:02

Well done OP. Did you ask him not to contact you?

It's really important that you get head space away from him for as long as you want/need so even text messages or emails can be intrusive. They also carry an obligation to reply and to engage with him which negates the reason for you being away and having time for yourself.

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