Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

Oh lovely well done. It's so, so difficult isn't it. I understand those really strong feelings. They make you start doubting all the bad stuff.

At the end of the day you should do whatever feels right for you, but please try to look at your entire relationship when you're making your mind up. The book I keep banging on about says that the nice times are like the eye of the storm.

Enjoy your peace and time away x

@WallaceinAnderland he volunteered to do this himself. He said I know you're really overwhelmed so I will avoid messaging you unless it's urgent. And he is there if I want to talk.

In all honesty I've never seen him be so understanding and reasonable in my life.

He is now on best behaviour, don’t be taken in by this. If he can be so reasonable now why not do it 5 years ago. He didn’t want to that’s why

Well done for going..! My advice is hold your nerve on this. Give yourself time and space. It's easy for him to be nice and understanding right now. But he always be?

I am 37 and honestly your post is pretty much exactly the same for what I have been through. Met at 16, together 21 years. Emotionally abusive relationship. Miserable last few years. Little family on his side. I've felt fear, obligation and guilt continuously to stay.

At 35, I was at a similar point to you. It nearly ended. But then it didn't.

I'm now 2.5 years later down the line and can confirm NOTHING changed. I read diary entries from 2 years and can't believe I've let this happen.

I am now in the process of leaving. It's bloody hard even still now. But it has to be done.

Don't waste those years like me OP. I've been grieving that time and fear I might not have children/family as I always hoped.

I loved my guy too. I still do. But you have to look at the patterns, the hurt, the facts...

I've read all the books and advice too. It's maddening when you understand it logically but still feel sooo warped by what has happened and struggle to leave isn't it.

He said I know you're really overwhelmed so I will avoid messaging you unless it's urgent. And he is there if I want to talk.

This is the perfect opportunity to see if he can stick to this. Don't message him at all. Not even to just say goodnight. Complete radio silence. It's so important that you step back now and see how long it takes him to stop playing nice.

If you engage with him in even the tiniest form it will encourage him to keep encroaching on your space. Remember that your plan is to make this break permanent. He thinks he only has to be nice for a short while and he thinks he can manage that. It no way reflects his long term behaviour which you are already more than familiar with.

Yes absolute radio silence.

It really will take time to step out of the fog

Yeah mine was the same when I first told him it was over. He was so reasonable and understanding and kind about it, it really threw me.

It took him less than a week to start calling me mentally ill and abusive.

Stay strong OP, just remember that this calm understanding and reasonable man doesn’t really exist… it’s all and act and sooner or later mask will slip again

OP you need to think about this like quitting smoking. People Don’t stop smoking becuase they hate it . On the contrary, they usually love it .

They quit because it’s bad for them. Yes there are many attractive things about smoking , but it’s not worth it because it damages your health and can kill you.

You are not leaving your partner because you don’t love him. You are leaving because he’s dangerous and bad for you and you love yourself more . You know that you deserve a better life , free from abuse and manipulation.

You need to go through withdrawal, just like a smoker. You will be tempted to contact him , just to get that familiar buzz . But you head knows you need to go cold turkey.

can I suggest that every Time you feel like contacting him you have a list of things that you need to do first ?

eg read this thread or your own diary, go for a walk / to the gym , go and see a friend , bake a cake , walk the dog, watch an episode of your favourite programme on Netflix , meditate / pray / do mindfulness / walk around the block muttering “ he’s a bastard” , whatever.

Everyones list is different. But you do need a plan for when your resolve is weak.

Thanks @1VY you're right

I'm not sure whether I updated here but following advice from HR, I spoke to my GP and I've actually been signed off from work for a couple of weeks. I'm really not used to this as I've never had this much free time before, unless it's for a holiday or an actual purpose. I'm also not in my normal home city so I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I also know a lot of people in this city (where I grew up up) so I'm a bit weary of going out and bumping into people who then invariably ask about DH, life, what I'm doing here etc. Obviously if I meet them once it's fine but if I see them more often they'll wonder why I'm here by myself first long. I normally just visit for a weekend and rarely alone.

Annoyingly I also don't have a car as I left it with DH and I'm normally just used to getting in the car and going. I do have access to my dad's but he works full time so it's only when he is at home.

Anyway my point is I need a way to keep my mind off him and also get to a good place emotionally. As I write this, I realise I could start by signing up to a local gym so I'll go and have a google.

I think @1VY analogy is amazing and really helping me frame my perspective as it's so hard when you feel a pull back to them. Btw, I'd be in the same situation of going back to a home town and you almost kind of hate it despite being free and with family, feel like you've gone back a few steps. It's just temporary, you can set up the life you want somewhere else too. So just don't let that feeling of being back home with family drive you back for the wrong reasons, as I've been there and done that 😘

@1VY that is a brilliant analogy that will probably help a lot of women on here, myself included.

Sounds like you really need to focus on self care and reminding yourself why you're doing what you're doing @throwaway88. Keep posting here, read books/watch videos about the cycle of abuse, do some things that are just for YOU.

We're very much at the same stage on this journey, so feel free to PM me any time you're struggling.

OP I’m so pleased to read that you went ahead with your plans.

I posted earlier in the thread that I’d asked my DH for some space. Since then I backed down, and of course he’s making an effort, but I just feel flat.
Reading your updates actually made me tearful, I wish I had been as strong as you, even if it was just to clear my head a bit.
I hope you manage to hold your nerve and you go on to live the happiest life 💐

Hey @Moredrama sorry to hear what you've been going through.

I completely understand, it's so difficult to actually make the decision. Even though I've physically 'left' I'm still wavering and wondering whether I made the right decision.

If anything it's better feeling flat, as you are not getting taken in by his pretend niceness.

The one thing that totally “ cured “ me of my love for my exH was the way he behaved during the divorce. He was so utterly appalling in so many ways, it showed me that he was in fact a terrible person. And the small amounts of niceness that he had ever showed were just to lure me in/ control me / stop me from leaving /

Also when I investigated our financial affairs for the divorce, I found out he had been stealing money from me / the business we set up together for a very long time , in fact the whole of our marriage.

So Ive had to re write the whole story of our relationship, which used to be the usual “ met, fell in love, got married , all was great but then tough things came along and it all fell apart for various reasons “.

Now I know he was exploiting and controllling me from the start and he only “loved “ me as long as I was useful to him. Well as much as anyone who is narcissistic can ever love anyone else.

Of course then I've had to deal with a lot of guilt about why I fell for him in the first place, then married him, then stayed for so long. But that’s a whole other issue.

I also went for counselling and when I was telling the counsellor what had happened during our marriage, it was probably the first time Id said it out loud. And I was shocked, it sounded terrible ,I kept saying things like “ I know it sounds bad but XYZ”. And then it sounded even worse.

I could explain away each individual bad thing but when I talked about it all at once, the patterns were so glaringly obvious. I felt such a fool for not seeing it at the time and staying so long.

Id spent so long listening to what he told me about everything , I felt I was indoctrinated. And when I got away from him, I was able to see things clearly. Not overnight, but over weeks and months.

So although the divorce was awful , I take consolation from the fact that I will NEVER EVER have any doubts about leaving him. I will never think “ did i do the right thing? “ or “ maybe we could have made it work if only……” .

So my advice to you @throwaway88 , is to see a solicitor to get the divorce started and to go for counselling .

If your husband is in fact a good man, he will be fair and reasonable , he will tell the truth about all his and your joint assets and agree to divide everything 50;50 and have a straightforward divorce that will mininse legal fees for both of you.

That will show you what kind of man he is.

Hi all - as an update we have started the divorce process. And I feel awful, physically feel sick and just don't know what life is now going to look like.

He is being very nice and accommodating about everything and has been for weeks. He even took me out for dinner as a final 'goodbye' meal and we had a great time.

Makes me wonder whether he really is turning I've a new leaf. I've never seen him so calm and collected.

No he is trying to get you onside and off balance to bet what he wants in the divorce rather than that was is fair - both morally and legally.

It's part of the Mr Nice Mr Nasty cycle.

Please keep your distance and emotionally detach from him. No more dinners etc. Factual business like emails over divorce matters.

If he doesn't play ball over divorcing stop all communication and hand over to a solicitor.

Do not let your guard down.

Or he has an affair partner waiting in the wings/new girlfriend he is trying to impress.

It's the toughest point where the decision is made but then you're facing in to the unknown. But the other side can and will be wonderful eventually.

Stay strong. The word that has helped me has been 'dignity' - head up high, stick to your plan, don't let his best behaviour infiltrate your mind. He's probably expecting you to wobble. Don't prove him right.

Also cheering you on / massive well done for getting this far!

Also here cheering you on @throwaway88, well done. You've done the hardest part. Mine keeps doing the Mr Nice thing too, it never lasts long before he's attacking me or gaslighting me again though.

We're all here to support you x