Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

You said you have read the books so you know exactly what is going on. In addition to not pandering to your DH’s manipulation tactics, you must also not succumb to faux naïveté and act like you don’t know exactly what he is doing and why.

I know, I know. He knows exactly how to play me.

I am able to move back to my parents who are supportive and have room. It is 5 hours away though.

Leave In the morning. You’ll be there by tea time.

@BroadbeanMama I understand, I think it's just a little part of me that feels like he does love me and just has too much trauma which he doesn't know how to handle

Or now. Just go now.

Well you can still work all that stuff out. Bit of space might help you find perspective.

I know @throwaway88. That’s why you need to worry less about your DH playing you and more about you playing yourself. Going to your parents until your DH moves out sounds like the best bet if a bunch of flowers has you thinking about his trauma over your own. This is the last time you are leaving him OP, no more backsies or self-sabotage or room for doubt.

Give yourself a good shake.

He may or may not love you but the relationship does NOT make you happy.

You are trauma bonded to him. Start worrying about your trauma instead of his.

Sounds like you want us to give you permission to stay.

Stay if you want, it's your life to waste.

@WallaceinAnderland why so mean

This is the whole point of my post, that I need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. And I acknowledge my weakness which is why I'm literally asking for help from anonymous strangers

Literally everyone is reassuring you. Yet you still seem to want to stay.

he's trying to love bomb you now, with flowers & your favourite snacks in an attempt to appear thoughtful, but he's actually thinking of himself and this is manipulation, stay strong, don't give in.

He’s manipulating you OP. He doesn’t act like someone who loves you. He’s playing games and mind fucking you.
Don’t put up with it any more.

Move to your parents and block him.

Buying you a bunch of flowers and some snacks doesn't mean he's changed. It does mean that your bar is set very low and that he's manipulating you. Stop thinking about him and think about yourself. Make those plans and then just do them - avoid discussion. He is not on your side.

Stop thinking about him and think about you

Are you happy?
When you wanted to leave 5 years ago, what's changed since then?
Why are you hesitating?

You could of done this at 30, you don't even have major ties and do have family backup. Now you are getting as far as thinking about it, having wasted 5 of your fertile years and wavering yet again because he's nice to you whenever. One day you will be 40, same situation but older and feeling crap about doing nothingto get a better life. You are wasting your time.

This is good ,it reinforces to yourself - as well as showing important others - that you mean to end it. As pp have said no big convo, be assertive that it's over. You know what you want to say and have plan for afterward?

Thanks all, I know I need tough love. I honestly feel and look like a shadow of my former self, I'm normally head strong but the confidence has been knocked out of me. I second guess every decision I make.

@Mmhmmn I don't have an exact plan of what I want to say, I want him to know that I'm not doing this to prove a point (which is what he thinks). It's after years of him not changing his behaviour and his attitude towards me. I know it's not worth mentioning the emotional abuse as he says I'm the abusive one.

I want him to know i'm not doing this to prove a point... Please stop considering his opinion. Who cares what he thinks? This is how you get hooked back in.

Don't accept his little gifts OP. Tell him straight that it will not change your decision. I wouldn't place the flowers in water or touch the snacks. Just leave them on the side and ignore them. Whatever comments he makes, just repeat "It's over and I won't be changing my mind".

I agree, who cares what he thinks? You have to understand that he is not going to be nice, he is not going to suddenly understand - it is not in his interests to. Bite the bullet and split up with him, or find yourself back here a few months down the line.

Yes totally not worth it.If he’s a narc you can’t argue with them, the only solution is to get away from them.
It might help to get across the basic point that you’re sick of him and are looking forward to being without him. Difficult for empathic people to feel like you’re being awful but it needs to cut through and be crystal clear that it’s the end and not a negotiation.

You do, however, know exactly what your life will look like if you stay.

Remember op acts of kindness are needed for abuse to continue.

This.

Op how regularly does he usually buy you your favourite things?