Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

You now need to take control and leave - there is nothing more to say - there is no other course of action. Just go - get away from him and have some time out to readjust.

Also, if he starts on about trauma and getting help for it, as he sees you breaking away, your position needs to be: Good luck with it. I hope it helps you.

End of.

You might find it helpful to find your anger - it can keep the momentum going when it feels like too much.

One way to do this is to write a diary or list of all the assholery that your soon-to-be-ex-H has caused. Times they ruined special occasions, times they isolated you from friends, gaslit you, were emotionally abusive, were manipulative, deliberately broke things, left you to do all the wife-work.

Example - you are at the end of your tether after several years of emotional abuse and instead of moving out as he promised he’s tried to fob you off with some cheap snacks. Absolutely outrageous - who the F does he think he is!?! Etc

If you have a weak moment you can look back on the list and remind yourself of all the reasons why it’s over.

This is such a great idea @Left I actually have this list in my notes app already (I started it in 2022). As he would always do stuff and later say it didn't happen, my memory also isn't the best so I started writing things down so I could refer back to it.

I think I should start reading it daily.

@Pikapikapikachu11 rarely! It's one of the ways he 'apologises' as he doesn't say sorry, just starts being really nice and normally I lap it up as I'm so relieved the silent treatment or whatever is over

Silent treatment is abuse.loving partners don't bring gifts as a way to get back in the cycle. They bring gifts.... just because! I always bring my partner chocolate and cook lovely meals... just because! Not because they've said they want to leave me. This is the difference.

“zeibesaffron · Today 22:26
You now need to take control and leave - there is nothing more to say - there is no other course of action. Just go - get away from him and have some time out to readjust.”

This. He doesn’t want the relationship to end. You do. He won’t facilitate it ending. Him saying he will move out is just a way for him to keep control of the situation. You waiting for him to go is giving him that control. There are probably good reasons why you should get to stay in the house but generally, unless there are complexities like pets or DCs or you have nowhere to go, I do think that the person who is ending the relationship should be the one to move out of the shared home.

You have somewhere to go - you would be better off just moving in with your parents for now; it’s too easy to waste another 5 years if you don’t. If you have hopes of DCs, you know it’s not going to be with him, so the sooner you extract yourself the better. Stop waiting to feel confident. Confidence will come as a result of you taking action, not before.

He's just come in and said he's decided he's not moving out anymore. Classic.

I need to be in work on Monday but after that I'm leaving for my parents.

Well done op.... I'm proud of you. All classic signs he is going through

Hi @throwaway88 I hope you're ok. I'm in a similar situation to you and I know just how difficult it is to overcome the 'addiction' of a trauma bond - when all you want is for the nice version of them to come back and it feels like your entire wellbeing depends on it.

The fact that you're teetering on the edge of leaving is great. It means you're seeing his behaviour and manipulation for what it is, which is the first step. But I also know that seeing it objectively doesn't make it any easier to cope with or accept. You can't just detach just like that. I think it's sometimes difficult for those who haven't been subjected to the abuse cycle/trauma bond to understand just how strong the pull is.

Mine also turned into Mr Charming and cheerfully agreed to move out when I said it was over. This is a tactic designed to throw you off balance. It gives him the power back (because leaving suddenly becomes his decision), triggers your fears of abandonment (because now he's leaving you!) and makes you doubt yourself (because now he's being so lovely, maybe you were mistaken about the horrible stuff, because how could this lovely guy behave like that?).

If yours is anything like mine, this will be the first of several tactics he'll start rolling out in quick succession the longer you hold on to your resolve.

Some things which have helped me are going completely 'grey rock' around him, barely communicating or engaging with him unless necessary. This means there are fewer opportunities for him to 'hoover' me back in. Someone on here also told me to imagine that I'm inside a bubble, and his words are bouncing off the bubble without having an effect on me. I've also been posting a lot on here, talking to friends and writing down some of the awful things he's done to me. I find if I can keep the bad stuff in my head, it makes it easier to stay strong.

I'd also really recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Even-Abuse-Restoring-clarity/dp/1739102606?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=be15c470-8ec7-4535-b468-a99ce80bab85

It really clearly explains what happens in a trauma bond and why it's so difficult to overcome. It also does into detail about the cycle of abuse and some of the tactics the abuser will use when you try to leave. It's been absolutely invaluable in keeping me strong.

You've got this.

Thanks @Cryingatthegym it means a lot that you're trying to help me even though you're having a tough time yourself.

You're right, people who haven't experienced abuse will never truly understand the grip the other person has on you. Up until a few years ago I was totally the person who would question why people don't just leave. Now I know it's so much more complicated than that.

@Cryingatthegym @throwaway88 thinking of you both! Stay strong ladies, take control!

Anytime, honestly. I think the more we talk about it and realise that we're not the only one in these situations the stronger we'll be.

How are you getting on today?

@Cryingatthegym I'm ok! We had friends coming over today (planned for ages). Too much happened to type out here but long story short they came over and DH decided to be super normal and I just went along with it as I'm not quite ready to tell people what's going on when nothing is official.

They've just left and as they were leaving DH decided to talk about making more plans with them and for us to do a BBQ. Clearly he's delusional as I'm not going to be around for that.

This morning he also told me how he's been 'trying to have a conversation' with me and how I'm letting my pride get in the way.

I also did have a question - when people separate what do you tell your friends, what do you do about social plans?

He’s either burying his head in the sand or being extremely manipulative.
Either way, stick to your plans and don’t let him derail you, it sounds like you’ve been quite focused and you need to hold on to that.

In terms of social plans, don’t worry about it, your friends will understand. Don’t let that be the reason you stay

OP you just say "we are breaking up, but I'm happy to make plans to see you on my own"

You do realise that the shitty person he is...that's the real him.

The nice person he is occasionally is an act, designed to reel you back in.

Be honest OP with them and yourself.
You aren’t happy , haven’t been happy for a long time . Real friends will be supportive, fair weather friends are no great loss.
I think you need to spend some time away as soon as possible. Staying and being manipulated is not helping you .
Start writing or adding to your daily feelings journal and start listening to your self. You have lost a decade of your life with a man whose making you miserable. That’s long enough.

You message / phone your closest friends in person and tell them that you’ve split up and you’ve moved to X .

Then you message everyone else on whatever platform you use and say something like

“ Just to let you know that Dave and I have separated and we will be getting divorced. I have moved back to Manchester to stay with my parents and we will probably be selling our flat in Bristol. I’ll be transferring my job to the Chorlton branch of X company.

“ It’s not a decision that’s been taken lightly after 13 years together and we ve tried to make it work but sadly that’s not been possible.

“ I look forward to catching up with everyone over the next few months as I settle back into life here in Manchester.”

DONT put any details on social media apart from that you are single. that includes posting memes about “ escaping abuse “.

DONT put any of the nasty details out there in writing in public, as you can’t take it back.

Tell your friends and family ( that you trust) as much as you like in person or on the phone.

Give ZERO info to his family and friends , however much you like them or think that they are “ mutual “. They are not , it will get back to him and cause trouble . Just rinse and repeat some version of the above.

yes it’s a shame but that’s where we are.
no we won’t be getting back together, it’s final

If any of his friends / family contact you and hassle / threaten you to get you to back to him , block them.

if they tell you he’s suicidal / whatever , tell them that it’s good he has friends / family who can arrange mental health support for him, then block them .

Are you still planning on leaving after work on Monday OP?

Thanks @1VY this is very helpful. Annoyingly he doesn't have a supportive friend or family network at all. One of the reasons that has made me stay longer than I should have as I worry about what will happen to him.

But yes I need to put that to the side, he's a grown man and he will survive.

Are you still planning to leave tomorrow

@WallaceinAnderland yes, hopefully! I don't even know what to pack

I just had a full blown argument with him, he asked me for a chat and then started to psycho analyse me. Really pissed me off but I'd rather be angry than upset.

I'm also mad that his family is so shit, as much as I don't want be with him, he's not a monster. Wish he had someone to rely on.