Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

Yes you’re right, he will survive. In fact you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he will have a new partner within weeks. Men like him can’t survive without someone to feed their ego. And he will lure her in with sob stories about his abusive / cheating ex. It’s a script, they all say the same story line. There must be a subreddit that tells them what to say .

Before you leave, make sure you have all your own legal documents , anything of sentimental value and proof / copies of all his assets and any joint assets. Like savings, pensions, insurance policies, bank accounts .

You will also need contact details for things like council tax, banks , utilities, car insurance .

When I split up with my ex H I forget that my car was insured on a joint policy which was in my exs name. He changed the address on it and then cancelled the policy , I was driving around uninsured for several weeks before I found out.

You need to see a solicitor asap, don’t delay as it could cost you dearly in the long run.

It sounds like he's sucking you back in @throwaway88. Try not to engage. This is from the book I mentioned earlier, it sounds like this is what he's doing:

The psychoanalysis sounds so much like my husband, I know you've read my thread. Hopefully the fact that they're both clearly working from the same script helps you to stay a little bit objective and see how he's manipulating you?

Something that might help you leave is the knowledge that abuse usually worsens if a woman is pregnant or has just had a baby. They think you are trapped. If you want children, are you prepared for this? Do you want to bring a future child in that environment? No.

I speak from experience, my ex H ramped up the abuse once I had a baby (in my late 30s) - he no longer hid who he was as he thought I would stay. I left but am forced to have some contact due to our DC.

Get out now. Staying will either delay your wish to have a dc or will subject you to worse abuse if you have one.

Just to add, there is a reason men like this have no support network. They drive people away.

Accidentally posted twice

That's true for me too @Disturbtheuniverse - mine got worse with each baby.

I would suggest just telling "friends". I'd start with those you had over. And tell your most gossipy ones - even give them permission to tell people.
And to be honest if you want to stay in the area long term I'd look for somewhere to live - local Facebook groups can really help with this (I found a 6 month rental for 2 with pets this way last year).

OP women are not support humans for men.

Stop worrying about what will happen to him when you split.

Put your own oxygen mask on first is a useful thing to remember

OP I hope you do actually leave him after work today, this is no way to live.

Good luck

hi PO How are you???

Hey guys!

I am good, I haven't left yet (sorry to disappoint! It's purely due to work/train/logistic issues). However, I'm packing and I've got a train booked for Thursday morning.

I'm feeling SO much better about everything, I know I'm doing the right thing.

One of my friends is getting married and I had a little day out today to try on dresses, do some shopping and I had such a nice time.

DH was messaging me throughout but I just put him on mute and didn't bother replying.

He wants to have a 'heart to heart' tonight and wants me to hear him out. I hope he doesn't ruin my good vibes.

Well done @throwaway88, glad to hear you're doing better.

Remember the bubble when he's talking tonight!

Well done on booking your train abd daking the steps... proud of you... just remember kindness needs to exist for abuse to continue. You got this!

You don't have to hear him out. Just say you need a break from him and don't want to talk right now.

Great to hear you have a train booked. Try and fob him off with boring vague comments while you count down the hours til leaving x

He will try and sabotage your plans tonight.

Don't deny defend or justify. Listen and nod along and say you need to move out. If he loves you he'll respect you and give you the space you are asking for.

Sorry just wanted to join in and say that I totally relate to how you both feel. The hoovering example here (which I've never heard of), is everything that my DP does too.

Op your posts feel so familiar to me and I have been going through the same motions. Trying to leave and being sucked back in. Wondering why he does all the shitty things and then is nice to me and tells me he loves me. Also feeling so guilty about leaving him. Knowing that he is manipulating me but feeling a bit helpless to stop it. I can't really give any advice but I just know how hard it feels as I'm feeling the same and maybe the solidarity might help. I really relate with you being scared of what your life might look like as I am too (I'm a similar age too) but I am probably more scared of looking back in 5 years and still feeling the same. Living in limbo is really no way to live 😔

You need to seek help to leave as it is abusive
Cab you reach out to woman's aid?

I can also really relate to the feeling of being scared of life without them - but for me it got to the point where his behaviour was so bad that a lifetime of that started looking scarier than a lifetime alone.

I'm the same age too and have been struggling with feeling like a failure, like damaged goods and like people are going to judge me. So I get it. But you have to weigh up what's worse in the long run - being treated like this for the rest of your life or the (tiny) possibility that you'll never meet anyone else? Just think, if you stay in this situation, you'll never have chance to meet anyone else AND you're being consistently treated like shit. It's lose lose.

I can't recommend the book that passage is from enough in terms of exploring what you're going through and why it's so difficult to leave. It really helps me to maintain an objective perspective in the face of all the manipulation and mind games. I'll pop the link here again in case it's useful to you too @peoniesaremyfave. I'm reading it on my kindle so he can't see it. You can download the kindle app on your phone if you don't have an actual one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Even-Abuse-Restoring-clarity/dp/1739102606?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=be15c470-8ec7-4535-b468-a99ce80bab85

Hope you're doing ok today @throwaway88

ADHD does not equal emotional abuse. I have ADHD and do not emotionally manipulate or abuse my partner.

This is his personality, separate from his condition. You can do it op! Make plans to leave and do it. He clearly isn't.

Update: seen your update well done!!!!

We had a talk yesterday, he knows I'm leaving on Thursday so wanted to say his piece before I left.

He had prepared a whole speech, it was cute. He took responsibility for everything he's done in the past and apologised. He seemed sincere as well, to the point of tears.

He really wants us to give it another try but acknowledged that I may not want to do that because of his past history.

He has asked me to give him one more chance to prove himself.

I didn't get emotional at all (which I was proud of myself for). I did give him a few home truths about some of his behaviour in the last few months. I feel like he genuinely hadn't realised he had done anything wrong and did feel bad once he realised how it had affected me.

I didn't give him any kind of clear cut response. I said I need to leave and need some space.

Mine did exactly the same after I initially told him it was over @throwaway88. He seemed to suddenly have a wake up call, admitting to how abusive he'd been, taking full accountability, making promises to change. It was really, really fucking hard not to fall for it, like I have so many times in the past.

However, it soon turned into 'you've overreacted because you're mentally ill' and then 'you're the abusive one and I'm the victim' once he realised it wasn't going to work this time.

Please read the 'hoovering' list I posted above. What he's doing now is another form of manipulation, it's literally textbook.

Well done for not getting emotional and for insisting on some space. You're being so strong.

Just to add. Mine went through this whole routine after he assaulted me last year as well. And now less than a year later things are back to where they were. Not that it really got much better in the interim if I'm being honest with myself.

And the assault didn't happen out of nowhere. I've lost count of how many times I tried to get through to him about how much he was hurting me over the years, and him seeming to understand and promising to change, only to go straight back to being abusive as soon as I stepped out of line.

You can't change someone else. You can only change how you react and respond to them.

Thanks @Cryingatthegym honestly it's so so difficult. This is going to sound crazy, but I still love him and have so many feelings for him. That when he's being so lovely and pouring his heart out it's so tempting to give him another chance.

He seemed to genuinely want to become a better person and the whole time the only thing I'm thinking about is if it's genuine or if I'm being manipulated.

My thoughts are: he's genuinely sorry for his behaviour. However, I'm not convinced he won't revert to being his old self after a few months. The question is do I risk another few months and see whether he means what he says.