Help me finally leave!

[throwaway88]

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to leave my DH and I really need some moral support to go through with it this time. It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted so much time going back and forth. Previous attempts to leave have been half hearted and I've too easily believed him about things changing and I've always given him a 'second chance'. I've posted here before and everyone was really supportive. Old thread which I won't bother resurrecting.

I've read a lot about trauma bonds and do believe I am completely trauma bonded to him. It's funny as even though I understand all the theory, it's still so difficult to follow the advice that comes with it.

Please dont waste any more life on that man
he will not change
not for you not for anyone

@throwaway88 Everything he is doing is absolute TEXTBOOK manipulation.

Even through to now deciding to be Mr Sensitive, crying whilst he "pours his heart out to you". He's just using tried and tested tactics to get sympathy so you feel sorry for him and don't leave (because how can you possibly leave someone who is so apologetic and lovely?!)

I can guarantee if you decided to stay, he would be back to his old ways within 24 hours.

Please stay strong and do not fall for it.

I know, but honestly I'm wavering.

I want to write it out here because I can feel myself weakening, really wish I didn't have such a soft spot for him.

Part of me really wants to believe that the person I love(d) doesn't have the ability to carry out such manipulation

It doesn't sound crazy to me lovely. I'm going through the exact same thing. I understand how difficult it is when he's being so sweet and loving and remorseful. And how tempting it is to believe in it and go back to the safety of what you know, instead of throwing a grenade into your life.

I would suggest staying firm just a while longer. If he's genuinely remorseful and taking accountability he'll do that regardless. If it's a tactic to manipulate you back into your place, it'll soon show.

Hopefully someone much wiser and with more experience will be along to offer better advice soon.

Ok OP well it's your decision ultimately...

It's about 5 years too late as I've wasted

But these are your words @throwaway88 . Do you really want to still be here in another 5 years? When you have wasted 10 years of your life on this man?

I get where you are coming from in terms of your age (I left my ex at 37) however the alternative is to stay with this man just so you can have children with him. Why would you do that when you're saying now (before kids!) that you don't want to be with him?! Do you have any idea how much abuse / control / manipulation ramps up in pregnancies after child birth? Or how hard it is to leave once you have children? You're looking at the better part of 16 - 18 years living in misery.

You have spent 5 years trying to leave. Clearly this man is not who you want to be with. You're only questioning it now because you are scared of being on your own but I promise, it is more lonely being in an unhappy relationship than it is being on your own.

FWIW I am now with someone else (after 2 years of being single which I loved!) and am the happiest and most content I have ever been in my life. It sounds so cheesy but he is everything I could have ever wanted. I would never have found him if I had stayed with my ex.

Lovely, just read your own post, over and over.
thats what I do, I read my diary and it soon reminds me who Im really with

I know how you feel. Just because you understand he is trying to manipulate you, I don't think it makes it any easier to just ignore it when you are obviously attached to him. I honestly feel the exact same as you and have told him I am leaving multiple times, then talked myself back round (he doesn't even have to talk me round anymore, I do it myself!). It's not easy. If you are anything like me then you are probably stressed out about this all day every day at the moment. At least if you leave for a few days, you can get your head a bit clearer and see how you really feel without him in your ear💐

I just had a full blown argument with him, he asked me for a chat and then started to psycho analyse me. Really pissed me off but I'd rather be angry than upset.

it feels like I've been walking on egg shells so long trying to pretend everything was ok that it feels like a relief to stop.

I said no, he has gone and I have a feeling he's going to come back in a foul mood.

I know I sound pathetic, but I'm so worn down from everything, I can't think straight

However, I'm not convinced he won't revert to being his old self after a few months.

These are all your words OP. Do you still want to feel this way in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? Because he is not going to change. No matter how remorseful he is pretending to be.

No I really don't want to be here in another 5 years - I would be so angry at myself.

I just need to get rid of that little hope I have that he is a changed man and means what he is saying.

I'm still leaving tomorrow as I have made plans in my home town which I'm looking forward to. And I think a break from him will really help. I just don't know what the next few weeks will look like.

Now that I've told work, there's also a lot of pressure on me to make some big work related decisions as I was offered a new role recently which I declined as it was too much change with everything going on. My org is having a restructure and we need to work out where I would fit in.

It makes me so sad that there are so many of us in this situation.

Sending love to both of you @throwaway88 & @peoniesaremyfave.

And whatever you decide OP, no judgement from me. It's taken me years to get to the point I'm at now. I know exactly how difficult and confusing it is.

On a completely different note, my boss who is very understanding told me to get a doctors note so I can get some time away, clear my head etc.

I don't know how this would work, obviously I'm not mentally in a great place but is this enough to get a doctors note/time off?

@Cryingatthegym thanks! Honestly this thread and all your support is keeping me going. A few days ago I couldn't even get out of bed or stop crying.

@peoniesaremyfave hope you're ok! Can I ask what's stopping you from leaving/wgat your situation is?

@Cryingatthegym you too 💐 sorry if I have hijacked the discussion a little late but it does help to know you're not alone and people who understand that the pressure to leave isn't always helpful.

@throwaway88 it definitely is enough for that I'd say, but it probably depends on if having time off would help you or might just give you too much time to think? I think sometimes it's good to have a distraction as very easy to overthink his behaviour but if you think it would help then I'd definitely take it!

I'm trying to leave at the moment tbh, I last tried about 2 weeks ago and he talked me round and he is currently being super nice and full of promises again so just trying to build myself back up to it again. Also feeling guilty for leaving him so probably in a similar stage to you and just trying to find the right time for me where I don't go back

I wouldn't do this if I were you. Being in work is a good distraction and if they know you have personal stuff going on (but are generally a good employee) then they will be a little lenient in their expectations of you for a while.

What are you going to do if you get signed off? It will just make it easier for him to contact you and harder for you to move on. Also too much time to think and dwell on stuff...

@peoniesaremyfave do you have support/have you spoken to anyone in real life about it?

It took me YEARS to tell anyone in real life as I was so embarrassed and also because I wanted to protect DH. Even now only a handful of people know, however every single person has been SO supportive and it was really reassuring.

I can be a bit of a people pleaser (trying to work on this) but that extra validation from other people really helped.

Have you read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It's an eye owner. Search that title, author and free pdf and you can get it for free.

100%. Go to your GP and explain what's going on. I did the same and I was amazed by how supportive they were. Some headspace is probably exactly what you need right now.

It also means that the abuse will be documented, which could be useful if things ever escalate (god forbid).

Fellow people pleaser here 😄funnily enough I have told almost everyone in my life and got a counsellor weekly but I have got to the point that I don't talk to friends and family now as I'm so embarrassed that I keep going back. Everyone has been so so supportive for me too but I'm just embarrassed, it sounds like you have a great support system too which is fab.

I honestly don't know what's stopping me as everyone has told me they could see how he behaves so it's just a mental battle. Hopefully this helps you see you're not alone though. I think we can have all the support and still not be ready to leave but I am just trying to visualise my future and realising that I don't "need" him. Hope you are doing ok

I can relate to all of this too.

What changed for me was another really scary 'incident' and seeing how it affected my daughter.

I honestly believe we all have our own levels of tolerance. You'll know when you're ready, both of you.

I just need to get rid of that little hope I have that he is a changed man and means what he is saying.

@throwaway88 - Look at it logically. Do you really believe he has completely changed his entire personality and character in the last 24 - 48 hours?

He knows the script and how to act to get you to stay and feel sorry for him. He is playing in a part. It is completely standard behavior. It is how they manage to successfully manipulate people.

I had an ex like this many years ago. Thankfully I wasn't with him very long but when I did get away from him (after much pleading, promising he would change blah blah blah), he reverted to being a completely nasty piece of work, wrote me a letter to tell me he could have been a better boyfriend if I had been more understanding and did I not know he had been abused as a child and I was an awful person for just leaving him when he was so depressed / suicidal. Basically it was all my fault he was the way he was.

Also just FYI - buying you your favourite treats, flowers etc shouldn't be seen as being a good thing. It's panic buying and again, all part of the act.

Oh and in addition to my last post (and before anyone thinks I'm cold hearted!) my ex only ever mentioned his "terrible abusive past" when he treated me horrendously and I told him I was leaving. Then the waterworks would be switched on and I would get a full tale of woe about how he was trying his best but was haunted by his past, along with comments about how a variety of his relatives had terminal illnesses and how could I even consider leaving him at such a dreadful time🙄He would talk me round to staying and literally within a few days / weeks he would be back to treating me like shit.

OP - this behavior just goes on and on and on. It will never change. Break the cycle.

I just need to get rid of that little hope I have that he is a changed man and means what he is saying.

Set him a little test. Tell him that while you are away you do not want any contact from him. You want some time and space. Ask him to respect that.

Then see if he does.

Also just FYI - buying you your favourite treats, flowers etc shouldn't be seen as being a good thing. It's panic buying and again, all part of the act.

Yes, this!

Get yourself a powerful playlist OP. Start with this one.