Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

Big hug, OP.
This thread has been a very confronting lesson in common attitudes to PND. I'm really shocked.
I'm trying to think what I was like at the six week mark and it's such a fog I can hardly place it. If someone had put me on a train for a four hour journey, with my breastfeeding bub in my care - goodness, it's actually frightening to think what might have ended up happening to him.
As for all those,
I had PND and I paddled across the Atlantic in a leaky canoe to get to my mother's funeral with my premature quintuplets strapped to my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🤨
What do they call it, peak Mumsnet, I think.

I think you need to give yourself a bit of grace here OP.

I've never had PND and I don't have kids, but I certainly know depression, so I actually cannot even imagine what you were dealing with.

I understand your family being upset with you, and for them yeah maybe it's a good reason to go NC, but for you it leaves you feeling hideously misunderstood and unsupported.

My advice would be to write a letter to your family and post it - don't email them, write to them all. The reason I say that is because if you email them, it'll be all too easy for you to get a tirade back from them whereas if you post a letter to them it'll give them pause for thought.

You need to be very balanced in your letter and tell them what has been happening to you, do not over egg it too much, choose to keep it to a paragraph max and choose your words carefully - explain to them how difficult this has been for you, some of the symptoms you've been dealing with, how the children are behaving and how it is has been making you feel.

Then spend more time talking to how they must be feeling, tell them you are sorry that your absence was so hurtful to them, that they must have felt abandoned by you and that you are so sorry for that. Don't say "I wish i could have been there or I am grieving as much as you", tell them that you all love them very much and speak to how they must be feeling about the situation.

At the end of the letter tell them how much you love them all.

Ultimately, my opinion is that their choice is born of grief and ignorance. If you write your letter from the heart, are honest and sincere, and they STILL choose to behave this way with you, then you have done all you can.

You know your reasons, you know how you were feeling and what you were dealing with, and at the end of the day if they cannot or will not empathise with that then they have not just lost one member of the family, but they have CHOSEN to lose another due to their own inability to see past their pride.

You can only do your best in situations like this, you can only try your hardest. Sometimes people aren't going to see your truth, sometimes they are unwilling to do so and that is devastating, but it is also not you choice when you have taken the time to explain things to them honestly and truthfully.

At least if you do this, you can know without a doubt, that you did your best and you tried to explain as well as fully acknowledging their grief, their sadness and their disappointment.

My feelings are that they just want a scapegoat for their grief right now, and can we all be honest: You don't need that, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it either.

Did you not read the post you replied to at all?

There is enough info in the op’s posts to explain why this wasn’t an option.

I can only imagine that some of these replies are from those with no experience of PND or SN.

This is very sad. Perhaps it's good to have some space from them to rebuild your self esteem.

ai thibk you need to re read my post. It was addressing exactly that…..

Its her dh who is a carer. One for his child with SN, and also to the OP at the time

RTFT maybe? Or even just the OP’s answer
It will answer your question!

Seeing you couldn’t be bothered to do even that before judging away, here is a summary

• the OP had post natal psychosis. Not just PND where you can push through
• Her dp couldn’t look after the baby and older child (unsafe)
• the op couldn’t cope travelling with her newborn (see first point)
• travelling together was also too much (fir everyone really).

It's a terribly sad situation, and there is no hard wrong or right here.

You didn't feel able to go.

Your siblings don't feel able to forgive you for not going.

Both sides can be justified.

In a situation like this, I think the only thing that may help is time. I hope it helps for you.

My grandmother had a saying, "you honour the dead by taking care of the living". That very much includes the person who is recovering from a C section, has a 6 week old baby and a small child with major additional needs. Oh and PND exacerbated by grief. It sounds like an awful set of circumstances at exactly the wrong time, not as if you were reluctant to eg postpone a holiday.

I agree with a PP who says you've become a bit of a scapegoat for their grief. They were there to support each other and your DM and there was clearly resentment already that you had moved away. That is their issue to deal with. It sounds like your DF would have been more understanding of your decision anyway and I think you should stop apologising, perhaps send a letter as suggested at some point and see what happens.

Baby was b/f so couldn't have been left anyway

Rude. It's not for anyone to question why the OP had another child

And maybe when the baby is no longer breastfed he WILL be able to cope

Some of the people on this thread clearly have no experience of the reality of severe PND.

At six weeks PP (and no CS!) I was struggling to contemplate doing things like a short walk to a nearby cafe with my DH and newborn and then walking back. I just about managed to get to the GP once a fortnight.

The thought of a four hour journey to an emotionally charged event like a funeral would have been in the 'taking a trip to the moon' category in terms of difficulty!

I also struggled to cope with being around more than one or two people at a time. A crowded GP waiting room was a no go. I couldn't have coped with a funeral gathering.

There are some very uncaring responses on here. You have a lot on your plate, to say the least. If you couldn't do it, you couldn't do it, end of. If other people could have, so what, they are not you.
If your siblings can't accept it then maybe they only want you when you can help them out and not vice versa? Or maybe they can't accept it, in the same way as you couldn't go to the funeral, and it's not a deliberate choice as such. Perhaps they genuinely can't understand. It's sad they've cut you off but you need to concentrate on yourself I think.

Op I'm sorry for your loss. At the end of the day only you know how you were actually feeling (mentally and physically) and what you could manage. If your dp and nurse was advising you not to go then I'd listen to them and not your siblings.

Your siblings do not seem very caring. If my sister was going through what you've explained I'd have been supporting them as best I could.

They're obviously hurting too, and maybe what things settle things will get better.

Not really though. I'm talking about OPs DP. I'm sure they both talked about having to look after 2 children. But it seems DP is happy to let OP do it all and couldn't possibly do a whole day of being a parent.

You DO have a family, your partner and your children. Your estranged relatives were never good to you or supported you so what loss are they really in your day to day life? There is an expectation that we owe the woman that gives birth to us eternal gratitude and devotion. But we don’t, fine if they deserve it, but it dosnt sound like your mother has been there for you so you don’t owe her anything.

Focus on yourself, partner and children, they are your family who need a fit healthy mother and partner, don’t let anyone take your focus away from them. Once you stop letting the toxic people in, you will find your life so much happier.

I really feel for you and completely understand. I think you made the right decision for you and your mental health. My mum didn't attend my brother's funeral for the exact same reason. Yes, that's right, she didn't attend her SON's funeral.

She had fears about coffins (had only ever attended one funeral in her life because of it) and she felt she just couldn't do it. She was lucky in that everyone understood. And if they didn't understand then that was their problem. She had to do what was right for her. A kind neighbour came and sat with her while the funeral was happening. They lit a candle, so she marked it in her own way.

Remember your Dad how you want to. Mum and I have a little ritual that we do every anniversary to remember my brother. My sister sometimes joins in too.

It sounds like you didn't have a great relationship with your mum and sisters anyway so maybe just let them go. You've explained your side, if they want to hold it against you let them. You know you did the right thing for you and your children. Concentrate on your own lovely little family now. I'm sure your Dad would want you to be happy.

One question op:

If you were in a healthy place to attend your father's funeral and your sister had just had a baby and had PND and was really struggling to cope, and couldn't attend would you be worried and concerned for her or would you react in fury and cut her off immediately?

Just answer that one question.

That will tell you all you need to know.

Could you not have taken the baby and left the other child at home? I must admit if one of my siblings didn’t attend their own fathers funeral I’d be horrified. Appreciate you had a lot going on, but in my mind it’s a non negotiable to attend a parents funeral so I can understand why your siblings feel that you could have found a way to make it work for such an important event

I think some of the replies here are unfair. When my father died, if my sister had had a newborn and was struggling with severe PND I would totally understand if she couldn't make it to the funeral.

I would of course be sad because I would have wanted us to be together at the funeral, but that would be as much to support my sister than anything else.

It sounds to me that you were very unwell at the time, and made a different choice in order to keep yourself stable enough to continue to care for your newborn baby.

Your three siblings were there so I don't feel that caring for your mum would have been your sole responsibility, it doesn't sound like you were well enough to do that at the time. I really think your newborn baby comes first and you made the right decision given the circumstances.

'Non negotiable' what does that even mean?

You do know people have free will, and can make their own decisions?

It is not for you to decide what other people do, and how they handle their lives. You can be 'horrified' and judgemental all you like, but you don't get to decide if others have the capacity to attend a funeral or not. You are not the Judge and the Jury.

I imagine poor op has family just like you.
Completely unable to comprehend other people's struggles, because their views trump everyone else's. It is a damn shame that people have not established enough empathy, compassion and decency to understand why a mother with severe PND and a disabled child was not able to attend.

I am sorry op. This really can't be helping.

Decent people would understand, decent people would be more worried about you, not less. Decent people know that most people who have a loving relationship with their parents would want to be at a funeral and only in exceptional circumstances would it be missed. Decent people would be kind and offer to support you op. I am sorry you have not had that support.

Take some space to figure out if you even want these people back in your life after this.

Your family sound like hard work tbh.

Nonetheless as pp have said I think the basic problem is that you didn't want to go and they can tell so your stack of valid reasons for feeling it was too much, seem like excuses.

I really feel for you op. You've had some horrid replies :-( I hope the PND is better now. It sounds like you have had such a rough time of it.

My wish for you is to surrounded by people who support and love you.

I know funerals are emotive things but not everyone is the same. As I said before, I would never treat my sibling that way. I love my sister so much and same for my brother if he was still here. Too many point the finger these days without really thinking through what it means and how it feels to be on the other foot.

I must agree not going to a parents funeral just wouldn't of entered my mind it would of been almost automatic

Can you not see that you are just thinking about you?

Nowhere have I seen an acknowledgement that you have hurt your family. You only defend yourself and try to drop in more in your updates to persuade people that your family are unreasonable. You just paint yourself as the victim here. I would have more sympathy for you if you were able to at least acknowledge that despite you having no intention to deliberately hurt your family, you HAVE hurt them and very deeply. You show no acceptance of your part in this.

since starting this thread and doing a LOT of thinking about my life and my family after some of the helpful replies on here it’s very clear to me that my mother is narcissistic and my siblings are all helping her. I was only worth anything to them when I was nearby and available to meet any needs they had - they were annoyed when i moved away and had dc because it reduced my usefulness to them.

They never ask how I am. Only my dad did . I said my goodbyes to him the last time i saw him, he would understand . I know I’m not at fault and I was putting my family first as I needed to get better for my children. I’m glad I started this thread as I feel free of my family now, I’m glad they are NC as if they hadn’t done that I would be now