Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

Your siblings don't wanna to you offending them doesn't matter to you... you've had enough people give you sympathy result! And it's your mother whos a narcissist character?

I realise you had a lot on, but personally I wouldn't be able to accept any of those reasons for not attending your father's funeral. I can't think of anything that would stop me going to a parent's funeral. Maybe if I was in a coma.

Yes, she is. I’m the scapegoat . I just hadn’t fully realised this till I read up on it. As a child she was horrible to me and nice to my siblings. As an adult I was only worthy of attention if I had something that was of benefit to her. She was furious when I moved away.

Growing up DF worked away for weeks sometimes and was always busy but when he was there she ignored me more rather than bullying me.

She was angry when I had my first dc saying it would mean I couldn’t help her / my siblings and was really unkind. In multiple occasions she said I was making up Ds SEN to avoid helping her . This was even when I was visiting and paying for her cleaner and towards carers before DF care package was arranged .

I can’t explain it all as I’d be here for days typing it out. I think they’ve done me a favour really as they don’t like me or care about me they only fake liked me if I was basically ‘on call’ all the time and for me to not move, not have dc and just be some kind of assistance service.

Well done op it’s hard to acknowledge and there will be times you wobble, usually after things go quiet for a while, you start to quested if you are actually over reacting. It’s like an addict having relapses, I had a few relapses before I was able to get away and even now I still get flying monkeys dripping poison. You just have to stand firm and think you are actually protecting yourself and your children from having the life you had.

One thing that happens is people, even councillors with question why your mother is like this, I understand something happened for her to be like this, but for me I personally don’t want to know. As far as I’m concerned she was the adult, my mother the one who was supposed to love and protect me SHE DIDNT all she did was hurt me, that’s all I need to know. One day I may address it, but right now I’m very happy just getting on with my own life safe in the knowledge I will never ever do what she did to my children.

Good luck and well done!

@WouldyouNCthem i am at the same time 😢😢 for you and delighted.

Delighted that this thread was helpful to you and helped you clarify what has been going on for years. It must have been a huge weight of your shoulders to suddenly understand what has been going on and to put all the pieces together.

But I’m also really sad that this is you realisation. Because it must have been really hard to live with. Both when you were a child and now. Down to them going NC and layering the guilt on you not playing by their script.

Youre a very strong woman.
I hope you’ll find even more peace now.

I hadn’t even realised some of things that happened to me growing up were typical tactics till I started reading up on it. She would love bomb me then be hateful and gaslight me, I’d be so confused at a very young age. Always trying to make my siblings dislike me (divide and conquer) yet if DF was there she would just ignore me?

I was never allowed to talk about myself she would say ‘ nobody is interested, you’re unimportant’ yet I was expected to listen to her all the time and help, which I did but on the rare occasions I had work or an appt for me and she wanted help if I said couldn’t she would be crying that I don’t support her etc etc .there’s just so much I have going round my head that’s just such a small part of it all 😔

Ignore my quote this new phone types to fast the errors was wild lol. Look op you are also very me me me aswell you may have more in common with her than you think... read your post you've not considered anybody else's feelings at all! plus on the other hand maybe they've been very demanding when you've visited because old and ill people are exhausting.

There will be a lot coming out.
A lot of memories, some WTF moments, and I imagine a lot of past hurt coming back to the surface.

If you can, maybe see if you can see a counsellor to support you through that. It’s a lot.

Oh and ignore posters who are so set that their view of you is THE right one, even though they’ve never met you, that they have to come back to tell you you’re still wrong, still ‘just thinking of yourself’ etc….

Theyre projecting their own insecurities onto you.

I will be very mindful of my own behaviour because I don’t want to do the same to my dc so I will be making sure I don’t behave like my DM or siblings so these mistakes aren’t repeated. Thankyou for highlighting that to me as it’s definitely at the forefront of my mind now not to let this carry on any longer in my own family unit

😂😂 she shouldn't have people encouraging her to say fuck my siblings feelings me me me me because she's expressed wanting to have contact with them! Not acknowledging their feelings will absolutely stop that being achieved

The dynamics in my family don’t work as in a normal family set up. I do appreciate they might be hurt or upset or angry but I’m not going to be speaking to them . I’m cutting off their supply as they have consistently shown no care or consideration towards me and only ever been in contact when they want something. This has just made me realise that I don’t want to go back to the cycle of demand - compliance - guilt trip if I wasn’t immediately available and then ghosting me till the next time they want something whilst bad mouthing me to wider friends and family. Why would I go in search of reintroducing that into my life.

I do have my doubts that you're as innocent as you're painting yourself but it's none of my business.

If you have come to the realisation that you're happy with NC. Good for you I guess. You and they will now be a lot happier.

I think I do have many faults and I’m definitely not perfect, it’s hard to work it all out as my childhood was so strange and emotionally abusive that I feel I need to look back and analyse situations and check in on my reactions to things. I probably need more therapy separate to what I’ve had for PND etc as I think I need to do a lot of inner work to make sure I can be the best person and parent I can be and have some outside input to help with the judgements of that. I don’t want to be like my mother or siblings I want to be able to have self awareness

I thought that was the entire point of the thread? Anyway regardless of all that I went no contact with my birthmother 7 years ago... I don't regret it not one bit... ( the way to achieve this is ✂️ ) change your phone number, block them on every app, ban the subject in your home and focus on those that happen but if you want to resume contact absolutely acknowledge their hurt.

I'm glad I'm not related to some of these posters. I also had PND, I could barely cope with myself, let alone the small children- to add on travelling and a funeral, with them, would have been well beyond me at that point. It wouldn't even have been a choice. Unfortunately, PND is invisible, so many won't understand- and if they don't trust you enough to be truthful, you are better off without them.
I hope you are recovering now.

I don’t think I’d realised what was going on till I started this thread and read some replies then starting looking into toxic families and narcissists. I just thought my family had identified me as the one who had to do everything and that I almost couldn’t show human needs and feelings because if I did and that inconvenienced them it was hell

Thankyou so much Im still on medication and having therapy but I do feel a lot better than I did

My sister gave excuses and didn’t come to my mother’s funeral, my father has already passed away so it was the even bigger heartbreak that it’s both now gone, anyway whilst our relationship limped on for another year it never recovered and we haven’t spoken for ten years now. I doubt we ever will. She showed how little we mattered.

You need to acknowledge that you gave what were excuses, that you didn’t go because you didn’t want to (due to grief or pnd or exhaustion doesn’t matter). You didn’t want to. However, whilst acknowledging that as they probably need to hear you say it rather than repeat excuses, they also need to hear you say that you love them all and would love to show them that by having relationships moving forward. And listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge your behaviour hurt people you purport to love.

Or - learn to live with the loneliness. I exist with mine now but I wish I didn’t have to. If you have a chance, take it. But yes, you really really hurt them.

I couldn’t go - it would have made my MH deteriorate to the point I’d have been sectioned I think. I put my children first.

I know that even if I had been well and gone that it would have been a case of DM getting angry with me (when my grandparents died I was 8 then 11 she screamed at me both times how DARE I cry as it was her mum/dad. She told me I should be doing more chores and helping with my siblings so she could grieve and not have to be stressed) she would have tried to own and control even my grief when I was fragile

Don't be too swayed by momsnet you may feel taken advantage of in many ways and maybe you was. But I think another insight to this thread has let you see all the different views and helped you to know they could feel genuine rage rather than they are just picking at you? Regardless of that never feel bad about ending draining relationships. My birthmom burgled her mother while she was in hospital ( her mother who raised me whom I called mom ) so I understand the need to exit unmanageable situations I feel sooo much better!

I would be livid if my sibling used breast feeding or childcare as an excuse not to go to a parents funeral

You could take the children

Try telling them the truth

I haven’t seen any acknowledgement of anyone else’s feelings in this thread. That mother and siblings are grieving also. But, whatever. You seem to have had an epiphany, and are now fully versed in all the jargon and whatnot. Perhaps NC is for the best. You’ll be able to access plenty of self-help literature to get beyond this.

I’m sorry for your loss. It seems you valorised your father for being the only one to see things the way you value them being seen. And I’m sorry you went through PND, it can be really brutal.

OP, I just can’t believe you. Maybe it’s my cynical, suspicious nature or the fact that I have lived with a manipulative narcissistic parent but it’s you who comes off as the narcissist. It’s a very subtle way you manipulate. Each update paints you more as the victim, each update lays on the sob story more. When things aren’t going your way with the responses you try a slightly different angle. I have also suffered with serious PND. I wasn’t capable of making a decision and reasoning and explaining myself the way you were. I didn’t have the capacity to function. And yes, I know all experiences are different but just with all of your stories put together, something is very off.

but hey, you’ve had your epiphany, you’ve Google diagnosed your family as narcissists, and now you know all the fancy words and you’ve got your group of supporters on here. Well done - you’ve played a good game.

I can see it aswell lol