Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

You can't change the past.
*You can acknowledge that they felt you should have attended the funeral.
You can acknowledge that you didn't make your decision lightly.
You can acknowledge that you loved him, think of him and understand their grief.
You can acknowledge that you were unwell.

You can ask for them to contact you as you love and miss them.

Ultimately it will be there decision how to react.

This

You certainly let your mum down, no question. At a rough guess I imagine she was far more upset than you, but she managed to go. If you are happy with your decision then that’s fine, but you can’t expect everyone else who was suffering to just say “ oh well, never mind”.

Have all the PP’s who are saying that OP should have gone to the funeral come hell or high water missing that OP had severe PND???

She was very ill. Completely unable to cope. Of course she shouldn’t have been at the funeral. It could have tipped her over the edge. It could have caused her to have a complete breakdown at the funeral which wouldn’t have been good for anyone there.

I can’t believe on a predominantly mums site, so many PPs are completely dismissive of PND.

I think it’s your mother you should try and make amends with. She must be so hurt.

Other than losing a child, losing a husband or wife is pain like no other. It rips your world apart.

What kept me going, to start with, was the support of my two adult children, and my adult grandchildren, especially at the funeral.

My son, and family, live in America. They all flew over for 3 weeks, without hesitation - and that is more aggravation than a short car journey.

I would have been so hurt if my AC’s hadn’t come. My only brother couldn’t be bothered to come - no real excuse, he didn’t want to leave the dog, or drive up from Devon. I removed him from my life that day, and I’ll never talk to him again.

I do understand it wouldn’t have been easy for you, although your partner could have come along and helped you.

Your Mum was the priority that day, so, as I say, I really would try and make it up with her.

What the majority of people who disagree with op are saying is telling them about the PND struggles they might nod their heads sympathetically ( i wouid have ) but when you say things like i can't get a babysitter to go to dad's funeral that's gonna get people really pissed off/outrageoused and is gonna sound like you've compiled a list also if I was them I'd absolutely hate the husband and be like he can't cope for ONE DAY with hes own kids 🤯

It sounds like you are quite flaky and your family have had enough, so yes I can understand why they have gone no contact.

All families are different.

you made your choice which, based on your posts, you CLEARLY knew would have repercussions.

the fact is they were talking to you at length seemingly to find ways to accommodate you going l.
in their shoes I would be very hurt and can see why they went NC

all you can do is give a proper unreserved apology explaining you had PND (no I’m sorry but blah blah) and leave it there

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP, and for your situation, which sounds unbearably difficult. Sending you the very best good wishes for things to improve Please try to be kind to yourself.

again all families are different.

but i personally think the fact he wouldn’t go WITH his pnd suffering wife to his FILS FUNERAL is awful.

given how close their father daughter relationship was SURELY a partner who knew you had pnd would say “darling I know you don’t think you can face it but he was your dad, let’s go. It will be okay, I’ll support you” not “yeah fine… sack it off”

I also don’t get why she couldn’t take the baby with her…?

I’m sure the OP has an elaborate explanation as to why neither of these options were at all possible.

but I think the partner might be a reason or driver for the NC too

Op you may in time come to have communication with them but it will never be the same.
After the death of my father my youngest sister and her Husband "believed" that myself and my older sister had misappropriated my fathers money, and took us to court (obviously groundless accusations that were proved) but the very fact she believed we were capable of that hurt very, very deeply.
You OP have hurt your DM, especially very, very, deeply she probably will in time communicate with you but this is too soon, too raw, so don't try pushing it with either your Mum or your siblings.
I hate to say it but you must realise that your relationship with them will never be the same, in time there will be some communication but it is unlikely you will be totally reconciled.
I'm not going to argue the rights and wrongs of the situation and your reasons for not going, that is all past now, but from my own experience I will say that it will take some time, probably a very long time before any of them feel that they want anything to do with you..
I have a polite contact with my youngest sister, pleasantly converse with her at family occasions, send Christmas cards etc, but I would never trust her or rely on her for anything. You might find your family will be the same.

Two of my siblings were totally absent during DM's last illness, death and funeral. Am sure they think their excuses are valid. I have not maintained contact with them. A big part of that has been a total lack of acknowledgement from them a) about their absence and b) the fact that that left me handling a huge amount without sibling support. I wonder if your siblings feel the same. Have you thanked them for doing what you couldn't and supporting your parents when you didn't?

Edit to remove duplicate post.

Thankyou , I’m ok just feeling a bit sad that I wasn’t in the right place to go and that I don’t seem to have my family anymore but then it’s making me think how they expected everything from me but I’ve had no support over the years just criticism or demands ?

Im going to have a think as to how to proceed I feel as if maybe I need to let it all settle a bit longer and see what happens rather than contact them at the moment

My sister did not attend our father's funeral. She claimed illness but has had mental health issues and so I think it was more likely that. I felt sorry for her rather than anything else. Not a reason to go no contact with her.

As much as I can't understand the choice you made (nothing could have prevented me from attending my parents funerals), you obviously don't regret it and feel that it was the correct decision for you.
That doesn't mean that your choice didn't hurt your family deeply and they may never get over it. There are some times that you need support of loved ones and the withholding of that support, for what ever reason, can feel like a huge betrayal of the very foundation of you. Something that is impossible to get over.
If I were you I would contact your family one last time. I would tell them that as much as your decision hurt them that you made the correct decision for you and your mental health. I wouldn't try and provide excuses.
I would tell them that you understand that you hurt them, you love them and will be there if they want to reach out to you, and then leave it at that.
As much as you had the right to choose not to go to your father's funeral they have the right to find that choice unforgivable.

Whether you or they have been right or wrong, they’ve chosen to cut contact with you. Some people will think they’re justified and others won’t, ultimately it doesn’t matter because that was and is their choice to make.

You’ve tried repeatedly to get in contact with them and been rebuffed. I would personally recommend leaving them alone.

He's absolutely awful he shouid of done everything in hes power to get her there

As much as I can't understand the choice you made (nothing could have prevented me from attending my parents funerals)

Anyone who thinks like that hasn’t been ill. I mean properly. The ‘I’m not able to get out of the house at all’ ill.
And granted, it’s a good thing. I would never wish for anyone to be in that place.

But fgs, please listen to people who have been in that situation, regardless of the illness, physical or MH. There are times when you simply CANNOT get out of the house. Nothing, even something as important as your parent’s funeral, will make you go out/do that trip. Listen to people who have been there abd tell you sometimes, it’s not possible.

And if you think you’d have done things differently, you would have managed to push yourself, then i suspect you simply haven’t been as ill as that.

Talking from experience here, even though I have a physical illness rather than a MH one.

And yet, when you talk about being a carer (which this man was. Both for his ds and for his dwife at the time), everyone agrees thats it’s really hard work. That there are limits to how much you can do.

There are articles just atm about carers who have been driven to suicide because of how little support is available.

Its very easy to judge from the outside.
But would you have done that 2 days (or 1 very long day) trip with a newborn, a chikd with very severe needs and a new mum with post partum psychosis. Would you really have been able to handle the needs of all 3 of them?

It’s not really as simple as that. I think we all have a responsibility to our blood family that goes beyond just ‘do I like them?’. Abusive behaviour is one thing, but I’m guessing most of us probably don’t like many members of our families. That’s not a reason just to cut them off, unless they are actually really damaging in some way. Surely distancing ourselves or laying down boundaries is a better way?
In your case OP I think you need to write your siblings a letter explaining exactly what was going on for you at the time. They aren’t going to understand if you don’t explain.

For me, a lot of it is based on the opening and subsequent posts.

I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all

No mention that she's apologised or acknowledged how her family might feel. All the blame is on them. Her posts are all me, me, me. Which goes some way to explaining why her family have gone NC.

Had the post been something like "I've upset my family, how can I make it up to them" the answers may well have been different. Likewise, had the focus been on the PND alone, I think people would have been more understanding but saying her partner couldn't look after his own DC for one day, rubbed people up the wrong way. And we're strangers! How would her family feel being given that "excuse"?

it’s making me think how they expected everything from me but I’ve had no support over the years just criticism or demands

More, me, me, me.

OP. One of two things has happened here, either:

1. your family are awful and have never tried to put themselves in your shoes. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, so it's probably better for you in the long run that they've gone NC. Or
2. you have a tendency to be selfish/self centered and the funeral was the last straw for them. In which case you need to really reflect and not approach them unless it's with a genuine apology (no excuses).

Only you know which of these answers is the right one.

The op isn't alone tho she's got a partner that's actually an even bigger issue! He can't look after the kids or go with her that's awful

DP was told by my nurse not to put any pressure on me either way, but that it was not recommended for me to be alone during that time at all, I couldn’t have managed anyway but it was also not recommended . I know in my heart there was just no way I was in any state to travel or attend I wasn’t well enough. I feel sad now that I couldn’t but not guilty as I know I had no control over it and I was trying to focus on my health and establishing a bond and bf with my daughter.

The more I think about it the more I see that my relationship with my family has always been ok or even good when I am fully available and there for them but if I’m not then I’m the worst person ever to them . If I ever said I couldn’t do something it was expected I rearrange or change to suit them. They were not even fully accepting of ds needs saying ‘can’t be that bad’ then I’ve been thinking they don’t even really know him - they had met him 4 times (he’s 6) but my dad had seen him more as he had been to see me on other occasions and they’ve never even met dd so I’m feeling that he’s there are faults on both sides but my eyes are being opened to how I was taken for granted and as soon as I wasn’t 100% they went straight to anger and no thought to support me as I’ve supported them over the years

I think you're getting a very hard time on here and it's very understandable you couldn't go to the funeral.

TBH your family sound like a nightmare - how much support have they offered YOU with a new baby, severe PND and a disabled older child?

It's all very well saying you're back to 'normal' six weeks after a CS but you're really not. A four hour drive at six weeks on top of newborn sleep deprivation and PND is a really bad idea (and it would be much longer than four hours with stopping to feed and get the baby out).

I had PND, although not as badly, and there is no way I could have managed to do this at six weeks PP. and that's without a CS to recover from!

You could well be better off with your extended family remaining NC.

If I’d be able to travel dp would have driven me but I couldn’t even leave the house most days and i was terrified with a car journey as dd crying was a trigger for me to deteriorate more I couldn’t manage it and she had colic