Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

@Pennyandolive couldn't agree more.

At the time I wasn’t this articulate , I’m able to explain it now months later. At the time a lot of the communication was actually between DP and my family .

I would say I’m pretty sure I’m not the narcissist in my family. As I’ve said before though it’s something I’m now aware of and I’ll be vigilant to my own behaviour as it’s not something I want to be and I have a lot of self awareness.

It doesn’t really bother me what anyone else thinks of me . I’m almost immune to it all after years of my mother and siblings bad mouthing me if I didn’t do as they wanted so if I can put up with that I can manage to put up with various opinions of me here . What matters to me is what I know of my own character and how my DP and DC view me. I try to be a good person for them not a good person for a public image like my mother always has

So why did you post?

Trust me op read this thread in a few months and with clarity you will notice that's it's very me me me, and minimising their feelings. When really there should of a lil 🤏 of you being mortified that's the natural reaction

when I posted I was confused. I’m not now.

I’ve realised I was raised in a narcissistic family where I was the scapegoat. Only valued when I was of use. As soon as I dared to move away, have my own dc or be unwell I was criticised and then cut off. I think the fact I didn’t go to the funeral was a massive shock to them and I don’t think they were hurt I think they were angry.

I think I’ll just look back and see this as the point I realised what they all stand for and be proud of myself and glad they’ve given the gift of NC.

That in its self has a narcissist tone
It's rubbed off without you even realising!

I’m not narcissistic

Im a scapegoat

Being treated differently to my siblings and having my mother have a you and us mentality when my DF worked away. She would get them all sweets and leave me out. She would sometimes offer me one I’d take it she would then tell one of my siblings I’d stole n theirs it was constant divide and conquer.

I tried really hard to be supportive but the more I did the more she wanted and the more my siblings had the expectation that I was the help for my mother.

Having independence and moving away from my family shouldn’t have resulted in my siblings calling me selfish and my mother having screaming crying episodes that she would never cope and how could I do that to her. They never visited me only my DF did ! They only met Ds a handful of times. Never even asked for a photo of dd. Never met her. Never even sent a card. When I sent photos I was ignored.

I said goodbye to DF in my own way when he was still alive.

I'm glad you've got some clarity now OP - as you said, their going NC is a gift really. Wishing you the very best

🫣 What I'm saying is op there's not a part of you saying my dad was absolutely lovely to me and I missed he's funeral? And feeling even slightly mortified? Do you have nieces and nephews who you'll miss out on?

I saw him when he was alive and I think that’s what really matters.

And regarding nieces and nephews I used to see them a lot one of my siblings has 3 dc (older than mine) and I used to help a lot with babysitting etc this was another issue when I moved - I was had a go at because both parents worked and they relied on me for help with childcare which i then wasn’t able to do but it wasn’t meant to be forever anyway and I’d helped for a year

This is where you might want to think about the earlier point op, again that's a lot of me me me, and no though of you've babysitted and had a relationship with the nieces/nephews they might really want to continue communicating with you! That's who I kept in my life my auntie, are you going to wait a few months and try and communicate with them?

One of my siblings has to frequently go to Europe for work and works long hours when back home that’s celebrated by DM yet me moving 4 hours away was unacceptable and criticised by all of them ?

I’m thinking of my own dc and nobody else for the time being

I have to put my children first in all of this

Well there you go op you are thinking of you and yours and so are they!

I think you're starting to sound really nasty. What you did was unforgivable so you're somehow blaming them for it.

Honestly. I think this is a lost cause. OP genuinely believes she is the victim and has absolutely no ability to see this any other way.
A genuine victim of narc abuse does not have a sudden moment of enlightenment one evening on mumsnet and suddenly decide she’s proud of herself. It takes years of disentangling in hard therapy, there’s the whole trauma bonding aspect, breaking shame etc etc…
A narc however will paint themselves as the victim and a hero - and look where OP has moved to - she’s now the hero in the story!
im bowing out. I hope you have some good therapy OP for the sake of your children.

I lived with a narcissistic ex in every situation he was the victim, and everybody he knew was a piss taker he genuinely believes it to. Even if you 200% couldn't get to the funeral anybody would wonder if they'd made the correct decision you'd still feel weird about it.

I haven’t said I’m a hero ?? I don’t think I’m a hero at all? What I want to do is just put my children first . That was what I was doing when I didn’t go to the funeral . I was extremely unwell and I had to get well and I had to do what was best for my dc. It wasn’t heroic it was just what I needed to do.

I did worry I’d hurt them - I said that at the beginning but then people were posting and actually making me question how I’d be expected for years and years to support DM and stay living nearby etc and yet I’ve had zero support they didn’t even try to have a relationship with ds and kept him at arms length . DM would say his ‘noises’ made her have a migraine and she didn’t want him there as he would ruin the house apparently (he can be destructive when overstimulated etc). They saw me moving and having a family as some kind of betrayal ?

In the space of 3 days, you’ve gone from being very sad and confused to being convinced they’re narcissistic and you’re scapegoated. It sounds like you’ve read a few websites and decided this to make yourself feel better. I appreciate it’s a challenging situation but you’re failing to accept any responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Yes I did a lot of research after some of the replies here made me really think about what has been going on

three days is not enough time to research and make big sweeping decisions about your family. Objectively, you’ve been far from perfect and you’ve not accepted your role in the relationship breakdown. It sounds like you don’t care that they’re not in your life but 3 days ago, I sort of felt you were saddened.