Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I’ve tried writing to H, it made no difference.

You can drive yourself mad trying to find the ‘right’ way to communicate so that you will finally be understood. It was an important moment when I finally realized the issue was not with how I was communicating but with his capacity to comprehend.

This is exactly it, @MetooOP . If our partners could understand we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

I suppose the benefit of writing something is so you can just keep referring them to the document every time they press you for explanations. With any luck it can be a way of cutting short the endless, circular ‘but why?’ conversations.

Of course that doesn’t stop them coming back and asking for further elaboration. But at a certain point you can say ‘I have said all I have to say about this. The fact that you can’t understand my perspective is a large part of why this relationship is not working, and it’s not a good use of our time to keep going around and around these issues.’

DH and I went for a v quick dinner before going to a party (friend of his). At dinner he told me that all he wants to do is talk about his special interest and play tennis. Nothing else. He baulked at the idea of doing anything socially with me and said I must find new people to go out with and he’s so done with ‘massaging people’s ego’s’ (which transpires to be listening to people thrashing out ideas / voicing worries or concerns) at work all day that he just wants to come home and work on his computer and not have to socialise with me.

We go to the party and about an hour later I’m chatting with 2 or 3 people and DH offers me a top up to my drink and I say thanks but I’m ok. He rolls his eyes, shakes his head and walks off.

I see one of the other husbands put his arm around his wife while everyone is chatting and I just feel so bloody sad that I don’t even have a friendly face in my husband, let alone a friendly arm.

I sloped away as I just feel so desperately sad.

I messaged him to say i’d gone as not feeling well.

He responded with ‘ok’.

I can’t do this any more. I spend most days wanting to cry but I’m financially dependent and am absolutely lost.

I’m sorry @CinnamonTart I can’t see how anyone could be happy with that treatment. He’s just telling you he’s checking out of the relationship, basically. I understand why you feel so deeply sad. The current cost of living sucks, but is there a way to begin thinking at last about how splitting might work? Sending a hug.

So sorry @CinnamonTart .I completely get the wanting to cry every day and the overwhelming feelings of sadness. Seeing just a simple basic act of love or thoughtfulness between couples is like a knife to the heart. Knowing that you will never 'feel' loved, cherished or adored by the one person you should is so hard. Knowing that there is no easy way out, due to whatever reasons is excruciating. I feel your pain @CinnamonTart 💐

So sorry @CinnamonTart that sounds really painful on many levels. The only wanting to talk about special interest is common among us autistics but to then say that he won't even entertain the idea of doing anything else is actually really hurtful. The eye rolling is extremely unpleasant as well as rude and dismissive. Finally, the seeing other couples being affectionate must have felt like the final straw. Big hug x

@CinnamonTart I know it might seem impossible right now but are there any means of trying to either start forward planning for a separation, or look at what financial help you might be able to get? Also, if therapy is sn option for you?

I'm going to phone citizens advice myself next week to see what is possible.

This guy is brutally realistic about trying to change men with ASD. Don't click on it if you are trying to improve your relationship. But do have a listen if you want reassurance that ending things is the only option.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8

Just go. Pack your bags and put them by the front door and tell him clean up everything today by 5pm or he's your ex for life. If it's not done in time, go.

While he's cleaning up take your bags to whatever you're going to stay and enjoy a while day to yourself. Check back at 4pm in person and offer to help him but stick to your guns and leave if its not done

@CinnamonTart 🫂😢

@CinnamonTart I can so much relate to that.
But I dont have much advice. I can only say ‘I see you. I hear you. It’s shit’.
🫂🫂

My only take on the situation is Please don’t do as I did/do. By forcing myself to accept the unacceptable ‘because I just can’t leave’, I’ve become dissociated.
which also means I’m not able to enjoy little life pleasures anymore either. Not a good idea.

The guy I'm seeing seems to get fixated on being right, even when he's just giving an opinion on which someone else can have a different view.

Today he was banging on about how there's a maximum workplace temperature above which employees are entitled to walk out. Being responsible for such matters in my job, I tried telling him that there is no legal limit but employers have a duty to make adjustments if it's too hot. He kept saying I was wrong, so I said it would be best to change the subject because we had different thoughts on the issue. I tried talking about something else, but he wouldn't let it go. He tried proving his point by saying he'd found online articles on what unions think the maximum temperature to be. Wishes or opinions are not factual/workplace law, but I was so exasperated at this point that I told him he was right and I was wrong, as always.

How do you deal with a situation like this, where the person with ASD is saying something incorrect, you have the facts or experience to know it is incorrect, but they just won't have it and insist on pursuing the matter even when you've said you don't want to?

Wow. Thank you for sharing @Yvawn

@Yvawn just watch that video.

And yep, I agree. Like many others before, he points out that it’s up to the NT to change. Because the ASD partner won’t.

What hit home was ‘if you find he is spending more and more time away from home doing his special interest, it’s because you are the main source of anxiety for him. And when he is here, he is scared of doing something wrong again’.

That is summarising my marriage quite well actually.
Down to me developing an illness.
And with the added value of dh reactions triggering all my own personal wounds (not being seen or listened to).
And yes it is true that me stepping away from hoping for more NT reactions have made things much easier for us both. And no it’s not what I signed for.

Im not sure there is any way for both of us to get our needs met though.
im not sure there has ever been a way.
And I’m even less sure that it is possible now. Too much hurt from both sides really.

Thank you so much everyone - it really means a lot. I’ve been very weepy today (privately). DH made it extremely clear that he was furious with me this morning and hasn’t been speaking to me all day. Eventually I told him that I’d got myself upset at the party and as I couldn’t get myself together sufficiently, I sloped off quietly - that I’ve been very weepy today and I don’t know what’s wrong with me (I clearly do). So no blame or mention of him.
And yet his response was to still not speak to me or show me any kindness.
He simply said ‘we should have couples counselling’ - but still the dirty faces since ...

Big hug to you Cinnamon, that must be really upsetting. Those dirty faces really hurt, I get them too from H. The not talking is stonewalling? Not sure if couples counselling will help in that situation. So sorry x

@LittleSwede I’m sorry you get the dirty faces too - do you think they are true dirty faces - as in the intent behind them is irritation and contempt - or do you think their faces just do that involuntarily for no reason particularly?

I think it’s irritation and contempt. From not being able to get our pov. And because it’s so different from theirs, it has to be wrong and annoying.

I think with my H it is genuine irritation and contempt that causes the facial expressions but I am not sure he intends to actually do it as a means of control. It's when things don't go his way or when he is annoyed about something. Much like a petulant child! He might be unaware of how mean it makes him look and the effect it has on me and DD.

H even made my DM cry with his look of contempt (when he didn't approve of whatever she was saying/doing) which is just one step too far! He is totally unaware of this but it means my DM stands firmly behind me now as she has seen for herself what he is like.

I have phoned Relate as I promised H (after him basically not leaving me alone over it and keeping asking) but I have booked an individual session for myself. Hoping it will help me to manage my side of the separation and how to handle H going forward etc.

Well done!

Thanks, I've surprised myself with how I've managed to not buckle in and just agree to do the joint therapy, he has been very persistent. I feel quite worn down by it all (and a bout of IBS today from the stess!), but I just can't 'go back' to him now.

Has he explained why he is set on joint therapy but isn’t organising it himself??

And well done for organising sessions FOR YOURSELF!!
Infind mines extremely helpful. I hope it will be as positive for you.

He called them but they said he needed to check with me before booking joint counselling. Won't book an individual session for himself as apparently that would not be helpful (I suspect it actually would be very helpful!). Great to hear it was helpful for you, I'm hoping it might help me with the next steps and maybe lessen the guilt I feel.